Butterflies and Hurricanes

I'm back from Dubai. Back in KL. Home sweet home.

Dubai was awesome. The amount of shopping I did there is, like, the most I've done, ever. And right now I'm obsessed with a few brand names. Totally obsessed.

First brand: Desigual. Oh MY GOD, that brand is awesome. It's very, shall I say, different. Colourful. Hippie in a sense, but also vividly cool. It's this brand from Spain. I have this amazing attraction towards their designs. Some of them are just so... 'Me' that I feel like I have to own them. Soon. One day. Hehe. And their motto is, aptly, "No es lo mismo" - "It's not the same."

Next obsession: Kurt Geiger. Oh well, what girl would I be if I'm not totally obsessed with shoes..?? So yes, Kurt Geiger is, to me, the ultimate shoe store. Well, Ultimate affordable shoe store. Never have I ever seen so many AWESOME shoes all contained in one store. I honestly feel that 80% of my shoe cravings could be satisfied by this store alone. And trust me, that's saying a lot. Pink stilettos, with gold heels, anyone?

My other newly acquired obsession is for... Jane Norman. The ultimate party wear. Your first impression of hitting the store would be: Pink!! So yes, that was the primary thing that attracted me. Their girls night out collection is just so complete. And, well, awesome. Something I would definitely wear. And would love wearing. I have yet to acquire anything from this store, though. *sigh* Someday. Someday.


So anyway. I am in KL tired and very jet lagged. So it's one of those days where the bed is my only friend. And thanks to technological advancements, even a day in bed could turn out into an educational 'journey'. (OK, I was surfing the internet while lying on my bed).

So I was surfing, and I stumbled upon the Ramsey unsolved murder case. You know, the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, the 6 year old beauty pageant whose body was found in the basement of her own house.

Well, I heard about it a few years ago, but it's only now that I actually really read about it. It's very interesting, a murder that was masked as a kidnapping. As in, a true kidnapper would not write a 3 page ransom note, would they?

The case was in 1996, after Christmas. It still remained unsolved. But the case was reopened this year, February (2009).

Initially, when her body was found, the main suspect (and splashed all over the media) was the little girl's parents. The police believed that their parents did it because, first, it was strange to find a ransom note, and then the body of the girl in her own house the next day. In fact, they believed it so much that they wasted valuable time they could have spent chasing down the real murderer, but instead, interrogated the parents repeatedly, and tried really hard to find evidence to proof it's them. Also, getting the public to believe them by leaking reports to local media.

Okay, what I wrote could be found on the internet, through many sources, including a handwriting analysis of the ransom note by a graphologist. My personal opinion is different.

The thing I really believe is that the parents didn't do it. That the police looked at it from a different angle. Instead of a kidnapping which turned into a murder, the police should have realised that the ransom note is a cover of the murder, to stall them from finding the body. The note said that the kidnapper was going to call the next day. So instead of looking for a body, or inspecting the entire house thoroughly, they waited for the phone call, which never came.

And only when the phone call never came, did they actually really inspected the whole house, and found her body, in the basement.

Seriously, it is just too obvious that the parents didn't do it. Why? Because if they really wanted to kill their own child, they would have been clever enough to get rid of the body somewhere really far and then report her missing. Inviting police to come over and inspect their whole house is just not what a murderer would do if they know that the body is in that house. I mean, in the frenzy of panic after murdering someone, wouldn't the first thing that comes to mind is to cover up your tracks? Especially if it's the first time, since the parents didn't have any criminal record.

So yes, my belief was confirmed because when they reopened the case this year, by using so much more advanced DNA analysis, they found out without doubt that the parents didn't do it. Which was when the police department wrote an official apology note to the Ramsey's. See?

What I'm pretty weirded out by, is that I have this feeling that the parents somehow knew who the murderer was, but are not telling. Or at least, they subconciously has someone in mind but is not letting on. The thing is, the murderer demonstrated in the note that he/she knows the Ramsey's too well, including how much the father's bonus was that year.

And so, why are the parents not saying anything. I was thinking and thinking. There's only two reasons: first, that person is of someone close, possibly a family member. Or, they could be someone with power, or standing. In both cases, the parents would not want to jump the gun and point fingers where they might not be right, and get the person in unnecessary trouble. However, I think the second one is more possible, that is, someone with considerable power. Perhaps even someone with religious standing, and someone who's helped out the family a few times. These are the ones you surely wouldn't want to piss off, especially if you're not 100% sure about it. I mean, imagine the situation. If you knew, say, 60% that it is done by (only for example) a religious teacher. I would say, some people would not let this suspicion on. Why? Because the risk of being wrong, and attacking someone like that, is too great. But then again, that's just my personal opinion. I have heard stories about religious people molesting and raping children and stuff, and instead of their parents reporting it, they just turn a blind eye and let it happen.

So I read the autopsy report: Or at least part of it, anyway. I've come to the conclusion that the murderer is left-handed. Why? Because too many of the injuries happen on the right side of her body. And from the back, on the left side. See, if the girl screamed, and then the murderer panicked, and then he reached for the nearest heavy object he found, he would do it with the hand he is most used to. She was hit on the right side of her head. So the only explanation is: he's left handed.


So anyway, its 3.30am, and I'm off to bed now. Or at least trying to, given my level of jet lag-gedness.

I'm pretty much very interested in the Ramsey case, but all that is just my opinion. I know it could all be wrong anyway. But well, it's logical to me. Just give it a read.

Good night.

Fights and battles have begun
Revenge will surely come
Your hard times are ahead

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Get The Party Started!

Yesterday was total prove that when I study alot and don't sleep enough, I'll do worse in an exam than if I don't finish studying and sleep early. Oh God. My easiest paper just turned into the hardest.

Anyway.

EXAM IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, so when's the party, right? Hehe. Everyday. Started last night.



The only thing is, I have been recently diagnosed with kidney infection. Which is potentially serious, actually. The pain is unbearable! Was, actually. Pain is manageable now. It's called Pyelonephritis, if you'd like to read about it. I'm on antibiotics now. And I have another doctor's appointment in an hour's time.


Other developments? I'm bored! Hehe. Yea, my days are all booked. From yesterday all the way till 5th December. Then, home, I'll go!!! Yay!!!

Get the party started on a Saturday night
Everybody's waiting for me to arrive
Sending out the message to all of my friends
We'll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz
I got lots of style, check my gold diamond rings
I can go for miles if you know what I mean

Making my connection as I enter the room
Everybody's chilling as I set up the groove
Pumping up the volume with this brand new beat
Everybody's dancing and they're dancing for me
I'm your operator, you can call anytime
I'll be your connection to the party line



LoVe~
MzP<3>

Single

So it's like this. People now know I'm single.

Well, let's just say I kind of missed the time they didn't.

Guys are around me. Again. And trust me when I say, I'm not bragging, I'm pretty much complaining.


Why? Cos guys can't really take no for an answer. They hang around, expecting something. Some of them want a relationship, and some just wanna get in my pants.

I don't want both. (And one of them even has a girlfriend!)


I'm keeping this single status for now. And for as long as I can.

Being single is like a breath of fresh air. Being free. And since I haven't been single in a LOOOONG time, it's a refreshing change.


Sooo. Exams are coming up. Shit. I'm screwed. Promise me: DON'T ask for my results when they come out. Promise?


Oh, and you know what's the best part of being single? I can really be Gavin's biggest fan. The Gav, with the abs. Best abs I've ever seen. Like, EVER. Yes, can't even compare to the magazine models. I'm bloody serious. No one believes me though. Seriously, why would anyone question my abs judging abilities is beyond me. Cos you will never find someone who likes abdominal muscles more than I do. Really.

I think abs are the most important muscles in a guy. Then, shoulders probably. And then, biceps and triceps. A guy with awesome biceps don't get a second look if he doesn't have abs. Well, to me anyway. So yes, start working on those abs.


So anyway, I'll be celebrating being single a bit more. Yay!


Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't
'Til then I'm single

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm trading places
Right now a star's in the ascendant



LoVe~
MzP<3>

Saturday Night

Today is Saturday.

Happy Halloween!!!

3 Parties today. I don't mean I'm invited to three, I mean I'm going to three. Crazy huh? Haha.

Today is also the day. The day I would find out a few things. And also do a few things.


The Halloween cruise last Wednesday was bloody awesome. It's not just the cruise, but more of the after party. At Armain's apartment, in the city. OMG, it was LEGENDARY. Hehe.

His apartment had the best view ever. They had a projector for a TV. 3TB worth of videos and music. And they have a swimming pool and jacuzzi at the top floor. Imagine that.

Naturally, the swimming pool and jacuzzi is closed at night, but all of us actually climbed over the gate. We watched the amazing view.

Ali threw me in the pool. In my catwoman suit. Seriously. But that's alright, since that was when they all decided to strip down to their underwear and get in the jacuzzi.

For 20 minutes. Then someone came and chased us out. Well, not literally. They made a bargain instead: We get out of the pool, they open the bar. Just for us!! No, I'm serious.

So we got out, dressed up (I had to borrow someone's girlfriend's clothes cos my costume was all wet), and we headed to the bar. Where, naturally, everyone got more drunk.

Party ends when we all decided to grab a bite in Macca's. So Macca's we went, where I had probably the best fries I've ever tasted. And then we all got taxis home.

Awesome night.


There will be a sequel tonight. Same place. Can't wait!


And remember my previous fascination with German guys? Well... Hahaha. Goes without saying, doesn't it?


OK, so I'm off now. My day is starting soon.

Oh, and I did get the bowls for my fishes, Emilio and Valentino. Big wine glasses. They look divine.

Yes, the wine glasses are pretty expensive. Well, my fishes are low maintenance, but I'm not!

Everywhere I go, somebody I know,
Wants to come and kick it with me
Saturday night and we're gonna have a party!

LoVe~
MzP<3

Somewhere I Belong

For the first time in my life, ever, I finally feel at home.

Two years in Australia made me feel so much more at home than 20 years in Malaysia. Funny, and weird but true.

And this fact I just realised today.

After all those years for feeling like I never quite belonged anywhere, this is a refreshing revelation.

This is me. The way I am. Who I am. And I like it immensely. No, I love it.



And guess what? I can now listen to 'our' song and not burst into tears anymore. In fact it's playing right now, and eventhough I could recall the sweet memories, I do not long for it anymore. I could finally smile at the memories. Smile because they happened.

And maybe someday, I would like to fall deeply and undeniably in love again. I would wait for that time to come, and this time I would embrace it without hesitation.



Anyhow. Have we all know about my beloved Emilio? *Squealing in delight*

Yes, he's my male Siamese fighting fish I keep in a bourbon bowl on my bedside table. I love my Emilio. I named him after Emilio Pucci for his colours remind me of Pucci's designs.

And yesterday, I found a fighting fish so beautiful, I could not ever imagine not having him. His colours are of nice pink and white beautifully coloured to resemble a soft alluring floral silk dress. He's so beautiful, I knew I had to have him there and then. I knew I can't sleep until I have him.

We stood there in the shop for about an hour coming up with a name for him. Names like Lagerfeld, Gianni, Oscar, Alexander and lots of other designers came up. But of course only one name suits him Valentino.

And I would say that he is as exquisite as a Valentino gown. maybe even more so.


And today, I will own him. And he will be Emilio's new friend. Or maybe the appropriate word is 'buddy' since fighting fish don't need or want friends.

And even Sandrine found a gorgeous bright red one. One she wants to name Hercules.

I really hope we both will have a fish when we leave today.


Yes, did I tell you? We're getting my beloved Valentino today!!!!




Oh, so and what happened to the Hot Chocolate at 10am? Wow. I swear it put me in a good mood the whole day. I was practically singing!!

But that night, things took a turn. Which is keeping me very very disturbed. I have noooo idea what is happening. Or if anything is happening. I'm just confused. Very. At least give me a sign!


I will never know myself until I do this on my own
Cuz I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away
I'll find myself today



LoVe~
MzP<3

3

Have you heard Britney's new song, 3? It's my ringtone right now, but seriously that was before I found out it's about a threesome. Tempted to change, but let's just keep it for the fun of it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not promoting threesomes. Plus a friend of mine said to never do it because you'd feel like shit the next day. And this coming from a person who would try just about anything. So yes, don't try threesome, kids.

Despite whatever happens in Gossip Girl series. (Yes, there's going to be a threesome! And no, it does not involve Chuck or Blair or, surprisingly, Georgina)


So lots have happened since my last post.


Life has gotten thoroughly better.

I like the fact that some people still don't know about the breakup. Feels kind of subtle and nice. I mean, at least people don't think it's real. Yet. I find that amusing.

And also a good thing. As I'm swearing off men for abit, I find it totally convenient that men are not around. Relieved.

But I have been busy with my friends. Everyday is like an adventure these days, that if I get out of my house, I won't get home until at least midnight. There's always something to do, someone to see. Keeps me busy.




Well, secretly, there is someone. Secretly. But it's just a harmless crush. Nothing more. Very high school, actually. Kind of like admiring someone from afar but not getting up the courage to talk to him. Rebound? I don't think so. Because all it is, is that I enjoy his company. Nothing more, nothing less. I told you, very high school.

Being reminded of high school is not too bad either... A simple innocent bout of infatuation. It's nice.


Hot chocolate at 10am. Sounds good? Yay or nay?


Ah, no matter. This thing won't last long. It's just a question of eliminating 'What if' you know?

Three is charm
Two is not the same
I don't see the harm
So are you game?

LoVe~
MzP<3

Stranger

I would admit, I have been thinking abit to much about him. I have been bursting into tears at very random moments, which doesn't even seem appropriate.

So then last night, I finally heard the voice mail he left me on my phone. The night when he came to apologize but left, and then proceeded to call me endlessly, where each time I picked up the phone he gave me another bunch of stupid reasons and excuses. This resulted in 100++ missed calls. And about 5 voice mail messages.

So I called my mailbox, and got jolted harshly back to reality. Then I realised what I should have realised ages ago: He is NOT the same guy i fell in love with. The person I'm missing might as well be dead.

What jolted me was the amount of the word fuck he could use in 3 seconds. Amazing.

I get that he was angry, but when the hell has our relationship progressed to the point where he can give me 5 voicemails full with profanities like that.


But at least I know one thing: This is exactly why I resist calling him. Because I know the person I call would not be the person I'd want to talk to. A total stranger. And that is reason enough.


Nobody believes me when I tell them that you're out of your mind
Nobody believes me when I tell them that there's so much you hide
You treat me like a queen when we go out
Wanna show everyone what our love's about
All wrapped up in me whenever there is a crowd
But when no one's around

There's no kindness in your eyes
The way you look at me is just not right
I can tell what's going on this time
There's a stranger in my life
You're not the person that I once knew
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do
Then they would see a stranger too

Such a long way back, from this place we arrived
When I think of all the time I wasted I could cry...



LoVe~
MzP<3

A Puro Dolor

Oh my gosh. I swear, if I got home a little later, I would be puking all over the place.

I'm just so sick!

Tonight was a good night. Better than expected at least. I lost my voice, though. Funny thing, when I lose my voice, I tend to talk more, because I like to hear my self speak in a voice totally different than what I'm used to.

....

Speaking of losing voices, do you happen to know, there is an island in the US, where, in the 1800s, almost everyone speaks in sign language? The place is Martha's Vineyard, and the sign language is called Martha's Vineyard Sign Language (MVSL).

Apparently, the people on the island has very high rate of deafness. So to make it easier, everyone learns the sign language, and uses it in their everyday life, including people who are not deaf. It was so common that people used it eventhough there were no deaf people around. This just makes it much easier for the deaf people to fit in their everyday lives, and function normally with everyone else.

Wow. Can you imagine living in a place like that? Very interesting, I reckon.

Unfortunately, the MVSL sort of drifted away. The deaf rate on the island went down, and now very few people actually recall the sign language. Or possibly none at all. The sign language the deaf people use now is the usual American one.

*Pause.

OK, that was an episode of facing the toilet bowl. Shit. I'm going to feel like crap tomorrow.

(Now I remember why I don't like puking: It hurts!)

I think I need some sleep, being in this condition, but I can't sleep!!

Now I kind of wish I'm somewhere else... Where? That is a secret I'll never tell! Hehe. xoxo



I think I'd need to at least try to sleep.

But wait! I'm not drunk. I didn't drink, alright.

I truly am sick. Like, literally. Seriously sick. I think I'm supposed to go see a doctor or something, I mean, don't you have to if it comes to this point? Well, whatever.


Anyways, good night.

Y las noches me saben
A puro dolor



LoVe~
MzP<3

When I'm Back On My Feet Again

I feel like I just won $200 or something.

I guess that's how it is with opportunity costs. I no longer have to spend the $200 dollars, which was my initial obligation. So it feels like I have an extra $200 out of nowhere. Happy happy. Hehe.

Last night I had one of the best sleep in a long time. Sandrine stayed over, and we both slept way way past our wake up time!

So, today I decided to be a little bit more of a nerd and study something. No, nothing related to accounting, unfortunately. More in the line of Biology. Genetics, to be specific. The topic in particular is evolution, or to be a lot more specific, speciation.

I found out two things:

1. My initial theory that evolution occurs pretty fast, is right. Flies could divide into two completely different species in as little as 8 generations. And as flies only have a life span of what, a day, that is a short time.

2. I learned this thing called punctuated equilibrium, officially introduced in a research paper produced in 1972, and I think, it so makes sense! Before this, they argued, if evolution really does exist, why then doesn't the 'in-betweens' of humans and monkeys exist? Well, it seems punctuated equilibrium explains it.

Can you imagine, though, that actually, some of the discoveries of new species, could possibly be really actually really new species that just appeared, say, 5 years ago. Wow. Interesting huh?

Punctuated equilibrium is the term used to show that most animals and plants stay the same for a long time, and will only evolve when pressure is present, and that it will take only a short time to evolve and then when it adapts, remain as the next species for a long time until the next evolution. So evolution does not happen gradually, as previously assumed. There is very little time between the change from one species to the next, but the species then remain the same for a long time, as long as it suits their niche perfectly.

Plenty interesting stuff, I would say. And the fact these studies are relatively new. I love new information like this. It feeds my brain more than all those accounting crap I've been stuffing my head with.

So. Tomorrow is ADND 2009. Dee-zahz-tergh as HappySlip's* dad would say.

I don't know why, but ADND marketing this year is so bad, that no one actually knows when it is, even. And they say, my department is not doing their job. I mean, seriously, no one has even seen the ADND logo. This is just so wrong. Everything is so... haywired, for want of a better word.




What's going on with me, though? Well, I'm putting my love life on hold. Despite men appearing again, around me. Maybe I need time, or maybe I'm just not interested... Hehehe... Nah, seriously, it is really on hold for the time being. A bit of time to get me back on my feet. But seeing as how slow time is going for me right now, one day would feel like a week, I wouldn't expect it to be too long of a wait. Alright, not a relationship per say, maybe just a rebound.

And this time I would want a REALtionship. Not those fake ones.

Soon these tears will all be dryin'
Soon these eyes will see the sun
Won't be long, won't be long
Till I see it
When I'm back on my feet again



LoVe~
MzP<3

*HappySlip is a username on Youtube, by Christine Gambito who does comedic videos, which I am truly addicted to.

Mile In These Shoes

I don't expect to hear from you or see you in a very VERY long time.

So. The explanation.

This guy I've been with, this guy I loved so much has this rule. I'm never allowed to go out clubbing. I'm forbidden. He hates it. The rule is, I can only go out clubbing when he's around. When he comes with me. This is one big rule.

For me to out clubbing is a total fault in his eyes. Even if I go out with all girls. Once when we were fighting about things we like to do, I said I like clubbing why can't I do it? And he said, "Tak boleh ke buat something berfaedah?"

One thing, I don't drink. I don't go out clubbing to get drunk. Or to make a fool of myself. I go to meet my friends, to dance, have a good time. Despite knowing I don't drink, he still controls me in that way.

So the rule is I can only go with him, right? When he is around, whenever my friends ask me to go out with them I ask him, and his answers are always, "No." It's always about how he's not in the mood. About how he prefers spending time with me at home. About how that part of his life is 'over' and he doesn't have fun doing it anymore.

It fucking annoys me everytime, that he thinks he's soooo self-righteous by not going clubbing.

The times we do end up going, which is very few, by the way, we would go back early. Too early. Eventhough I begged him to stay for a little while longer. But if he wants to go home, I have to go too, because I can't be there alone. So usually, we'll end up home before 1am. Before midnight, most nights. And I would spend the next day listening to my friends talk about how good it was after I left.

This came up in our fights a few times. About how I can't go without him, and with him, he won't even let me enjoy as long as I want.

So there is also another rule between us: the rule of when the circumstances warrant a breakup, or if one us asks for a breakup, we will wait 24 hours before we do something the other don't like. Like, say, make out with someone else. His rule, not mine, because he is such a jerk that if we breakup, he can't see me with another guy, but his ego is too high to ask for me back.

He would do something like walk away from me, but still act like I'm his possession. Calling me a slut if I rebound or try to get over him too fast. Even more than 24 hours after a breakup.

So last weekend right, it was during our uni break. He made a promise to finally bring me somewhere on this break. He promised to bring me to La Perouse for the sunset. I was so excited about it, because other than just spending time together in the sunset, it was supposed to be the time where we officially get together.

So because of how busy we were last week, the only day we could go was on Friday. So we planned it. We planned it the whole week. I was so looking forward to it. So excited that we were finally going somewhere together. Just the two of us.

Then suddenly, change of plans. His sister got upset with him because he didn't spend time with her and visit her in Newcastle. So I said, you know what? Why don't you go to Newcastle and see your sister. We can do the La Perouse thing another day.

So yes, I sacrificed our one holiday in a LOOOOOONG time. Our one thing.

So he went to Newcastle. His first day there, we had a fight. Fight, which was small, and became bigger and bigger. Until we stopped talking to each other.

So the next day I had a meeting for my society, far away. Suddenly I received his SMS, saying he'll see me tonight, and telling me the time he'll be reaching Sydney.

Well, we were still fighting, and I was pissed off that he didn't call me at all the previous day, and then started SMSing me like everything was normal. In the midst of our text argument, he let it slip that he came back at 2am the night before.

Then he called. I picked up.

I asked, " You came back at 2? Did you go out clubbing?"

He said, "Yes."

I stopped talking to him since.






















So.

Today, he came to see me. Wanting me back. Apologising for the things he said.

But when the clubbing thing came up? He didn't think he did anything wrong. He said, he didn't do anything wrong at first, and that it's alright to go out clubbing. Then I repeated all the things he said to me about clubbing.

Then when I said he never let me, he said it's only because I'm a girl. Only because guys will come up to me and hit on me. So it's a double standard. It's alright for him to go but it's not alright for ME, apparently. I'm his doll.

I never realise that this relationship is pure bullshit until now.

Until now he won't apologize. Until now he says he doesn't know why I'm so pissed off.

But he wants me back. Without apologising.







Like I said, this explanation is the end of it. Be in my shoes and tell me what you would feel if this were you.

It's time to end it right?

If you still haven't realized it by now, my love for him is clouding my judgment. So please, tell me.

I dare you to walk a mile in my shoes

LoVe~
MzP<3>

One Last Song

Well, turns out an explanation is imminent. But once I start explaining to the WORLD exactly how i feel, it is my way of letting it go fully, once and for all.

I know it is coming. I will explain and reveal everything I feel on MY side... soon.

I was just hoping for once, someone would surprise me in a good way. But I guess there's no room for good surprises here, huh?

So the tears finally came. And for the next two days, I know, that's all that would happen. Letting it go. Crying.

I wonder how he could, even ONCE, doubt my love. After everything. After time. But I guess it's not in him to see anyone else as a 'victim' other than himself.

I will explain. Everything.

Like what really happened. Like what I really felt. And after that, it is irrevocably over. Beyond words. And I will move on.

"You think I am not strong enough to let you go? Watch me." Applies to me too, you know.

So here I am, waiting. If even after this, you still don't think I love you as much as I possibly could ever love someone, than I don't know what to say.

Except bye...

And if you need me, you'd kiss me
Then tell me how you feel
And if you want me, you'd show me
That your love is for real
And if you love me
You'd hold me in your arms where I belong
So while I'm feeling strong
I sing you one last song.


LoVe~
MzP<3

p.s. I'm not going to call, because I know and you know it's your fault - you did something really unacceptable. And I'm not going to pick up because I deserve more than that, after what you've done. Let's not pretend you have no clue what you did wrong. Remember the last thing you said to me?

To *

If you really want me, you know what to do.
(And I expect more than a phone call)

If you don't, I prefer not to hear from you or see you for a long time. As long as it takes.

LoVe~
MzP<3

p.p.s. To the rest of you, if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll explain later. Only if there is an explanation needed. If not, this post doesn't exist.

Going Under

I've been incredibly lazy lately. Which is pretty normal... in my case.

Went back to Malaysia last week for Raya, and that was good. So good, sometimes I wish I never have to come back.

I mean what is waiting for me in Sydney, anyway?

Before I went back, that was a different story. I was dating. Several guys. There were guys around, as usual. Kept me occupied for awhile. These men are just great. Some are great in more ways than one. So good, I don't want to stop. So great, they just seem too good to be true. So great, they came close to perfection.

But then again, here I am, back from Malaysia, back with the same guy. In essence, A LOT have changed, but also, nothing at all.

What do I mean? Take this for example. I am currently not at home, at 3am. Where, exactly? Running.

So, really, is ALL you need is love? Because, I've been making decisions based on this 'love' thing, and it's gotten me pretty much back to square one. Not improving. Not moving forward. Because I'm just so blinded by this thing you supposedly called love.

So then here I am again, questioning 'love' itself. One famous question always directed to me is, "Would you marry for love or money?"

For forever, and until now my answer is always the same: Money. Been getting alot of shit about this. But I always believe, love can be built. As long as things are stable.

So right now, I am defying myself against all odds. I am doing all this for love.

Yes, it is love that made me not be with one of those great guys.

Yes, it is love that made me stay. Even when I want to go.

Yes, it is love that made me go financially damaged, knowingly.

Yes, it is love that made me put up with this bullshit day by day.

Yes, it is love that made me cry instead of being angry.

Yes, it is love that makes up for the unhappiness of every day.

Yes, it is love that makes me want to stay, not for money, but for LOVE itself.

Yes, it is love that prevents me from hating the one person who has damaged me beyond all else.

Yes, it is love that puts me here where I am right now, instead of in my comfortable bed. Why? Because instead of asking him to leave my place, I left.

It is all LOVE.

So tell me, where is the rest?

Where is respect? For other people and for one self?

Where is appreciation?

Where is trust?

Most of all, where is hope?

I'm looking for all these things, but I can't find it. So tell me again, ALL you need is love? Because if that's true, then I'm doing the right thing. But how does abandoning basic values be right? Tell me how.

I tell you what, I was right the first time. Money is the way to go. Only, I am already in love. I'm already on one path. A path I'm attached to. A path I can't get off because I will lose a part of me if I do.

So maybe my only decision is: Is the part I lose going to be worth it?

Now I will tell you what I've done for you

50,000 tears I've cried

Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you

But you still won't hear me

Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself

Maybe I'll wake up for once

Not tormented daily, defeated by you

Just when I thought I've reached the bottom

So go on and scream

Scream at me, I'm so far away

I won't be broken again

I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under

LoVe~
MzP<3

Insatiable

Ramadhan is starting soon, and despite everything, I'm pretty excited. One month of fasting. It just appeals so much to me.

Talking about fasting reminds me of... fooooood. Mmmm.... Yum...

Right at the top of my head, Hurricane's lamb ribs. Oh. My. God. Kill me now if I never get those ribs again. They're like, the BEST ribs I've ever tasted in my life! An experience in Hurricanes is one experience I just cannot describe with normal everyday words.

Followed closely by Pancakes on the Rocks beef ribs. Yes, those ribs that actually melts in your mouth.

Then there's Tony Roma's ribs. OK, I'm saying Tony Roma's Malaysia. This ribs experience is soooo good that, hard as I try, I can NEVER forget the taste. I heard Tony Roma's Australia does not measure up though. Pity. But I'd keep it that way.

Next stop: Ribs and Rumps. I heard some stories about these ribs. And one day, they'll end up in my mouth, and down my throat... To every inch of my body. Hehe.

Yes, I love good food so much that I'd give up sex for the rest of my life if you could guarantee me good food for every meal, everyday for the rest of my life.

Don't even get me started on dessert.

Chocolate dessert. My mouth waters just at the thought of melting chocolate on cake or waffles or strawberries or marshmallows.


Alright, I'm going to stop now. Yes, I'm obviously hungry. Like so damn hungry.

I'm going to get food now. Not one of those mentioned above, sadly. Just normal, mundane everyday food. But like I say, if you taste something so good, how do you ever get back to something ordinary? Tell me how. How????


Well, as much as I'd hate to admit it, that applies to men as well. Yes, yes. Gimme a woot woot if you agree with that.

Double woot woot for me!


LoVe~
MzP<3

STOP

A month ago, I told some people, some friends, of the most dramatic thing that happened in my life. People I just met, people I barely knew. I lied.

The most dramatic part of my life didn't just happen this year, it happened all the way up to 7 years ago while I was still what you would call a preteen.

And also, I lied because I can never pinpoint it. I can never tell you the exact point that is the most dramatic. Mostly because they're all way way way dramatic.

Partly because there are some things you just wanna keep to yourself.

Today is one of those days. One of the worse ones. One that will haunt me for the rest of my life. The kind of 'dramatic' that even if you look back 50 years from now, wouldn't be even remotely funny.

So what is it?

Unfortunately, it's one of those that I'd keep to myself.


Other people looking in, in fact, most people, would have something to say about this. Things like, how this is wrong. Yes, the mark on my face is present, but it's only just a mark. Just a mark.

I know I'm a woman, but I can take care of myself. I don't need protection. And if I do, I'll ask for it.

I know. I know it's my fault for getting people involved. I know. I didn't mean to. I really didn't mean to.

And for God's sake, STOP telling me it's against the law in Australia. I know what I can or can't stand. And if I'm alright with it, the police can't do anything about it. So there. (Well, unless they can claim temporary insanity on me, in which case, is a different story altogether).

Deep down, I know it's wrong. But people make mistakes right? Damn, I make mistakes. And damn it if it's not partly my fault anyway, right?

They'd tell me to stop defending him. Stop? If I don't, who will?

So he did something wrong. I know he did. I accept that he did. And I've forgiven him.


Back off. Let me decide what I can and can't handle.


LoVe~
MzP<3

You've Got A Friend in Me

I've been here a week now.

Fabulous. Fun.

Family at last. I don't know, but in this one week, I've met more family than I've had in the past 5 years. And it's so great.

Sure, I miss everyone in Sydney. But it's just a matter of time before I get back there, and have another semester of fun and not studying. Oops.

So anyway, I'm not going on that exchange program. To the U.S. Yes, the one I've been wanting to do since last year. Just not my luck, you know?



So since I'm here. In Malaysia, home sweet home. I'd like to see my other friends. The ones who are here. The ones I haven't seen for years. Please call me. I'll make time for you, I promise. My number hasn't changed.

I wanna meet all of you. ALL of you. Even if I don't know you very well. Just give me a call OK?


LoVe~
MzP<3

Somewhere Out There

Remember a few posts go, I said I would be looking for 'The One' soon enough?

Well, guess what? I think it's time.

I am right now, ready for commitment. Yes, commitment.

Mr. Right.

I want eternity.

And we all know my criteria for a husband.

And you need to know is that the current guy I'm with does not fulfill the criteria. Not even the most important one.

So here's where I am. Not with him. Looking... for the right one.

No more playing around.

Seriously, when all things work against you and the person you're with, the only thing that could make it work is the two of you. And if one of you does not try to make it work, then what's the whole point? Remember, if you want something bad enough, the world would somehow give it to you.

I am just saying. I am currently available. Seeking long term relationship. With a good guy. No, make that, a great guy.

Eventhough we might be far, it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.

I know you're out there somewhere, cos I haven't found you yet.

And I'm saying a prayer, that we'll find one another in that big 'somewhere out there'.



LoVe~
MzP<3

P.S. This is me moving on. Please let me.

On My Way

I had fun during NCG. Granted, I didn't attend as many games as I would like, but I still had fun, given the circumstances.

I went to M. Night and that was pretty cool. Eventhough I was just a volunteer. And guess what was my job? Helping Eiman setting up the drums, and heavy lifting. No kidding. A guy's job. Because there weren't many guys to spare to do the job. Even the OZs were like, "That's a slave's job. Were are the boys?"

"Useless," that's what I said. Oh well.

So now I have a flight back to Malaysia in a couple of hours. The sucky thing is: My flight is not confirmed. I'm waitlisted. Although my dad said there are still a lot of seats, I still doubt I'd get a seat. Given my luck with flights, getting a seat would be considered heaven (Remember the 31 hours delay?).

So you guys back in Malaysia? See you in 10 hours or so. You guys in Sydney? See you in 2-3 weeks!!!

And my boyfriend? He's in Tasmania currently. Yes, holidaying without me. How fun is that?

Anyway I'm so scared going back to Malaysia. The swine flu thing. They just make such a big deal back about people flying in from Australia.

OK, gotta go now.



LoVe~
MzP<3>

Someone You Used to Know

It was helpless anyway
There's nothing much we could do or say
Darling don't you think it's a shame?
that it had to end this way

So here's to say goodbye,
our love is lost, and we cant figure why
maybe it really is about time
that we finally made up our minds

So Darling, here's to you
i hope that when you find someone new
that she would always be true to you
to love and understand you

Soon you'll build new memories
then slowly you'd forget about me
then i would slowly be
a distant memory

*Soon i'll just be
that someone you used to know
But darling you will thank me
for letting you go
time is not for wasting
i hope you'll find your intended
But i'm sorry
that your intended isn't me

it's not an easy thing
to shake off our history
i know that's what you want from me
but they will always stay with me

i admit i made mistakes
but darling with you it's just the same
if we stay there will be more to make
i dont know how much more we can take

Darling, it would be unfair
to stay with something no longer there
but it doesn't mean i no longer care
but i'd feel like a burden you can't bear


LoVe~
MzP<3>

Breaking the Habit.

I just missed my bus... Yes, the one to go to work. Dammit. Sometimes I hate Sydney busses... they're too early. Train it is.

How does the saying go? No good deed goes unpunished? Haha. True.

Thing is, everyone was right, and I'm a fool again. I did something nice for someone. He told me to stop giving him bullshit. Come on. This person was about to lose his house and life savings, practically in a single week. I did whatever needs to be done. Now I'm the insensitive one. I should have just not cared then, should I?

Well, whatever. Now I'm in a rut. Again. But I refuse to be.

Life's too short to let this happen again. Open your eyes, and maybe you'll finally grow up.


Need to go to work now.


LoVe~

MzP<3

Too Much to Ask

Here it is again, the dreaded feeling that something is going to go wrong.

Probably something has already gone wrong: I've spent too much money.

Sometimes it's true what they say, we spend money we don't have... to buy things we don't need... for people we don't like.

True for me today.

Seriously, today I did just that.

Then, after the money is spent, I felt guilty. Like, really guilty. Why can't I, for once, spend money for myself instead of for everyone else? For the boyfriend who treated me like shit, for the birthday of a 'friend' who never bothered to show up at my birthday (let alone get me a present), and for people who won't appreciate it.

When I was younger, my mom taught me to be more selfish. I think she's right, I should.

I won't bother anymore.

Plus, my birthday? The one I've been trying so hard for to make up for my last? I'm in half a mind to cancel it for good.

My friends, they don't bother, they never will. I would spend hundreds to make them happy. They wouldn't even spend $5 bucks for a bus ride to my place to see me happy.

And guess what? I'm not the rich one here. I can't afford anything. Then again, when I do other things like bake cupcakes for their birthday, they won't even look at me. Materialistic much?

Whatever, I'm done. You want me to be nice? Let's see you do that first. If not, I won't bother.

And no, you're not getting a ride in the limo for my birthday. :P



LoVe~
MzP<3

Lost!

Hi people.

Guess what?

I lost my phone.

Again!

Yes, that's three times this year.

Yes, it's total crap.

Lost it at Argyle last night. Yes, yes, I went out clubbing in the middle of exams. Bad, I know. But in my defense it wasn't planned. It was supposed to be just dinner. Then hangout. Well... You know what happened next. Probably this is my punishment. But such a cruel punishment ain't it?

So yea, in the midst of it all, I must have dropped my phone somewhere. Yes, it's my 5800. Yes, again. And yes, it's the phone I paid AU$800 for. And yes, I'm seriously depressed.

And even worse, I didn't go to Eiman's birthday. I swear I will beat myself up for that for the whole year coming. And for years to come.

I swear I'm just the worst friend ever. The stupid phone got lost and it was all I could think about the whole day. I didn't even get to call him to wish him happy birthday (phone's fault). It's just a miserable day. Yes, will not forgive myself for that. Dammit, I'm the worst.

But I promised myself to make it up for it. I will. I seriously will. I don't care!

How can one weekend go sooooo WRONG???

After all that's happened this weekend, I deserve a great, big Distinction for my ACCG251 paper on Tuesday. I'd better get it. If not, I'll throw a damn big fit at life itself. Not pretty.



LoVe~
MzP<3

The One

3 papers done.

So far, I've managed to do my exams without any major disasters. Well, minus the terrible less-than-4-hours-sleep, and the no-appetite-to-eat-at-all.

Yea, these days I need at least three doses of sleeping medication to fall asleep. Just to fall asleep. I still can't remain asleep with that many doses. I need to get stronger sleeping pills. Damn it.

Other than that, it's all good. I've finally stopped crying every few hours.

And today, I became Bree Van De Kamp and proceeded to scrub my whole toilet super clean. Including the floors and walls. For about 1.5 hours. And then an hour more to clean up my room.

So I've decided. My next partner wouldn't be someone 'boyfriend-material' but 'husband-material' instead. Yes, I'm ready to look for a prospective husband. I mean, not now. Maybe in a month or 2 I'll be ready. To make it happen. For real this time.

It's going to be hard, I'll admit.

You see, I'm still traditional in a way. I still believe marriage is not just a 'love' affair. I believe it's some parts business as well, like they use to do in the olden days where parents look for their child's spouses, and serious matchmakers are involved. In fact, I don't really mind if the husband part is dealt with by my parents (Like an arranged marriage in a way). As in, they do all the hard work of looking for a husband for me (Hey, at least if things screw up, I have someone to blame! Hehe). OK, not really. I would like to have some say in my prospective husband. But I guess I trust my mom's taste enough. As long as it's not one of my ex boyfriends, I'll be alright with them.

In fact, it'd be interesting to see the types of men they will pick.

Plus, I'm kind of tired bringing home one guy after another, just for them to shoot him down. You know, not handsome enough, not rich enough, not old enough, bla-di-bla.

And plus, I'm even more tired of falling in love outside of marriage. I mean, why can't it be like those days where you get married and then fall in love? Then both of you can't leave each other because it's against the law or something. Who the hell came up with fall in love and then get married, anyway? It's crap to me. I mean marriages are supposed to be sacred right? It's supposed to be the thing. But nowadays it's just a why not? thing. Or a trapped thing. Or a no one else and I'm too old thing. Human kind is definitely losing it. Definitely.

So I'll be looking for the real thing. A good guy. Someone stable (emotionally, mentally and financially, preferably), someone matured, and someone who cares. Someone at the right age (between 3 to 10 years older than me). Someone with good genes (so I don't have to worry about my children and their children). Definitely someone who treats me right. Above all else.

I'd want fights, but good fights. I'd want love, but it doesn't matter if that's now or much later. I'd want a guidance, who is way better than me and can guide me through everything, not the other way around. Most of all, I'd want a person. Imperfect, but perfect for me, nevertheless.

Yes, in a month or two, I'll be ready to find that guy whoever you are. A long journey? Definitely a hard one. And hopefully by the time I'm done, I'd end up with just the right one.

And hopefully my parents would like him. And his parents would like me too. (Although I do realise this is asking for abit to much).



LoVe~
MzP<3

Damaged

How damaged am I right now? Pretty darn damaged.

I'm so damaged that I can't even feel essential things that make you survive.

I can't feel hunger. I don't eat. And I don't feel like eating. I don't feel hungry. I don't feel the need to eat. I just eat because it seems like a good idea. And it's just a matter of time before I throw it all back out anyway.

I can't feel warmth. I feel cold. Just cold. I'm wearing a jacket. In bed, under a blanket. My room is 10 degrees higher than outside. Yet I don't feel warm. Just very very cold.

I can't feel sleepy. In fact I hate to fall asleep. I just do it because exams are near, and I need my brain to be working properly. But I'd still put it off for as long as possible. Because it's the worse feeling when you wake up, for a few seconds the world seem alright, and then when you remember it all again, your world comes crashing down around you again.

I can't breathe. Every breath hurts. Every one.

I can't think. For thinking leads to another. And to another. And will end up in the darkest place.

I can't wake up. For waking up, I have to face the world again. What's the whole point?

When you find out Santa Claus don't exist after all, what's it to you? All the promises. All the wishes. All the hope. Lost. And who would replace him? No one.

It's just a phase, right? Believing in love? Like believing in Santa Claus. It's just a phase. A childhood naivete.

It's wretched, believing in one man who you think is the one. He turns out to disappoint even more than any I've known.


I need someone to hold me now. Are you the one? No, because you're not here. I'm alone, again. Ironic isn't it when you lose someone is when you need them the most? But they're not there. Not even when they promised to be. And they've promised alot. A whole lot.

____________________________________________________________________
I would've come back to you next week, with my puppy dog face, back to you. But it's ruined. You've ruined it. I am ruined.

Happy now?

Take your money. And if money buys you all of what is enough for you, then you deserve it. Every cent.

And me? I'll stay here, thank you very much. And I'll get over this. And I'll get over you.

And I'll get over love.

For if love makes me long for a bastard like that, maybe love really is stupid and senseless after all. And maybe I am stupid and senseless for thinking love ever really did exist.


LoVe~
MzP<3

Dead and Gone

So, my ex boyfriend called just now. Guess why? To ask for money. Money, I tell you. It takes a special kind of sleaze to end things with someone and then ask for money after that. $300, no less.

Seriously, I was sooo pissed off that that was the point I got over him totally. 100%. I can't believe I told Mira I wanted to marry him last night. Total douchebag.

I was like, fine, since we're asking for money, you owe me money too. So he was like, OK, minus it from the $300. I was like, fine, sms me your account number, and I'll transfer it to you later.

Seriously, I was sooo pissed off, I was fuming. He had the nerve!

Then, he called me 10 minutes later, and then he said, forget about the money. What the hell? That got me more furious. First, he got so low as to ask a woman (his ex, no less) for money and then want to pretend to be a good guy and say that money is not important to him. FUCK OFF. Man up, and be the guy you really are. Dah mintak duit tu dahla, tak payah nak buat baik sangat.

Seriously Thaqeef, if you are reading this, just SMS me your account number and I'll transfer the money to you. I don't want to owe you anything anymore. You're dead to me.

You're DEAD to me, asshole.

Come on, man up to who you really are.


Harsh, I know, but seriously, if this is you, I take back everything I've said and done for you.

Just last night, I thought I loved you. So much. So so much. Sooooo so much that I would've taken you back in a heartbeat and make it official.

But I guess now I know who you really are.

You're simply dead to me. No more.


XuXa

LoVe~
MzP<3

Yes, I really do mean it.

Fluorescent Adolescent

This morning when I woke up, I suddenly realised something: I'll be OK. I'll be alright.

I haven't cried yet. Watched 'He's Just Not That Into You' a million times. Slept over Mira's place two nights in a row. Studied. Did something I really shouldn't mention here (in case it gets to my mom... hehe). Twice. And I'll be OK. Cool.

So I find talking about totally unrelated stuff helps. So here's talking about something else. Something I've mentioned once or twice in this blog, but never really really talked about.

About 2.5 years ago, when I was 18, I met this guy. I remember the exact moment. In Taylor's, first day of classes. He was sitting there. A friend of mine pointed him out, saying how cute he was. Someone asked for his name. We pondered.

Then he turned and looked at me. A lingering look. Then, nothing.

For the next year or so, I longed for that look again. Just that one look. Even when I moved on to other crushes, he still held a small place, somewhere.

I did ask a friend of a friend if he was single. He was. Single and looking. But me being me, I'd never ever get the courage to talk to him. I'd still see him around occasionally. But I'm just too shy. This I had always beat myself up for. Because I'm always haunted by, "What if?"

Yes, it was cute. Very high school. Very stupid. Very me.

Then I went back to my life. My loves. My ups and downs.

After a while, at a very random encounter, I met him again. I got pushed into talking to him. Tricked.

So I talked to him. I was single, so was he. I found out I still liked him, that he was charming. Long story short, it ended with him asking me to 'drop by' his hotel for more partying later. I didn't go.

So it ends.

I still have a million and one things to say here but I won't. Guess what I want to say. Some good things, some bad things. Something funny. Something depressing. Something damaging. Something cute. And maybe something happy. Just some things. And a question.



So why am I writing about him then? Well, I'm taking my mind off another. Maybe I'll write about alot more of my crushes, unrequited stuff, coming up.

I'm damaged right now. Trying to get over someone I love. So yes, I'd talk about the past. Unrelated. I'm over the guy mentioned above. But I'd take a lesson out of it. I'd talk to a guy I like. Just so 'What If' is out of the way. Just so I'd clear it up. Just so I won't wonder years later what would happen otherwise. Just so.

____________________________________________________________________

Thanks for my piece of mind.

____________________________________________________________________

And another thing, if it's alright, I'd be writing as Xuxa for awhile. I need her strength to get over this dark time. So I'd apologise earlier if my act and words from here on might hurt someone. I can't be me for awhile, I can't afford to.

And not just here. On MSN, on FB, in real life. Xuxa it is from here on out.


And please, wish me luck for my exams!!!


LoVe~
MzP<3


The way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

XuXa

Peace Sign Index Down

My exams are coming up. Next week, actually. As usual, I'm not prepared.

And as you know how my life couldn't be void of drama for that long, I'm in deep shit again. C'mon, depression a week before the exams? OMG, what is wrong with me?

Why do I keep putting myself in this situation? I just don't get it. He's just another jerk. Dickhead.

On the upside, I've been planning my after-exams. Finishing my exams on the 16th. And from then onwards I'll be partying non-stop. NON-STOP. Wednesday nights again. And all other nights in the week. Mark my words, I'm gonna party until I drop. We're talking, "Pass out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat and do it again," kind of partying.

Then trip to Brisbane. Yes, with Jas and Fah. I'll make sure to have fun. Every minute of it.

NCG people! (OK, I'm trying to summon some enthusiasm for it). The thing about NCG is not the sports. It's the people. The people I'm going to meet again. I'm excited!!

Then back to Malaysia!! OMG, that one I'm sooo looking forward to. Two and a half weeks. Time for friends, some hangouts. And definitely a fling. Definitely.

I'm sick of half decent Malay men in Sydney. Go back to Malaysia and have the pick of a lifetime. Now that's what I want.

And yes, I'm denying love. I lost my believe in it all over again. Great. It never did me any good anyway.

Here's me LIVING my own life. Deal with it.

Put up the peace sign with the index down!!!



LoVe~
MzP<3

Confessions of a Broken Heart

Selfishness. It runs in all of us. Each one of us is selfish in one way or another.

Tonight, I wouldn't get into the details, but basically, someone was calling me selfish.

In a way, I was. I'll admit it. Because we all are, aren't we?

I'll tell you what. It's 3.35am. I'm still not sleeping. I need to do a quiz online worth 5%. The quiz lasts 80mins. So if I start at 3.40am, I'll finish at 5am. I was supposed to start it at 2am. I have work tomorrow, morning.

You see, let's just say we turned the tables. I needed to sleep early. I just screwed up my studies. I was hurt. I can't study now because of what happened. I have a splitting headache. I cried.

But in the end, I am selfish.

I chased you away?

Maybe I should have done it earlier, then.

3.42am.

Nice.

The hole inside me is getting bigger and bigger. And I don't even bother to hold myself together this time. My life is just fucked up now.

4.05am.

I'll get over him soon, I swear. And this time, I won't ever go through this again. Not with him, not with any other guy in the world.



LoVe~
MzP<3

In Da Club

OMG, Gossip Girl last episode is just sooooo good. Like, so damn good, it hurts.

On the contrary, my life has been void of drama lately. Been a good girl. I mean, I've been soooo good that I only go out partying Saturday nights. No more Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Sundays with the Saturdays.

And so far, my Saturdays have been amazing. Last Saturday, we went to Arq. You know the gay club? OMG, soo cool. The thing is, although I know I won't get hit on (by guys, anyways), it's still a damn good place to get plenty of eye candy. You see, most of the guys there are topless. And their bodies and soooo hot. H-O-T. Seriously.

The thing I love most about Arq, though, is the lighting. It's damn amazing!

OK, I'll admit, it was interesting for the first few hours. Before I realized it's just not really my scene.

But, you can still see our pic on the Arq website. Check it out!



LoVe~
MzP<3

Day and Night

Arthouse was... AWESOME!!

The place... great. The music... amazing. The people... cool!!

Alright, cover charge was a tad too expensive. But it's worth it, trust me.

Went with Mira. Yea, wish Dee came! We could be a great HOT threesome... (Oh, and I wouldn't feel like a third wheeler with Mira and Matt. *gag* *gag* *gag*)

At most points of the night, me and Mira were dancing in a circle of 6-10 guys who were just staring at us. Seriously. It's a little bit freaky though, when I think about it.

Went back to Mira's place a little before 3am. This was when we ended up watching Never Back Down, and ogled and giggled over Cam Gigandet's fine abs. We were, like, pausing and replaying some parts. Like when he took off his shirt. At close ups of his torso. When he did the turning kick. OH my God. Cam Gigandet is still the ultimate. I dare you to find a picture of another celebrity who has a finer body. Even Brad Pitt in Troy couldn't compete. Daymn.

Well, after that we were thoroughly entertained by a friend of mine who claims to be able to do a better kick than Cam. I took his shirt off, and asked him to prove it, by kicking a pillow balanced on a fan. OMG. Hot. Maybe not Cam Gigandet hot, but there are still nice abs, which are, btw, right in front of my eyes (And which I get to touch). Hehe. (ehem... I know you're reading this...!!)

ANYWAY.

See this video by MetroScExp on YouTube. And comment. Cute!

And yes, I have been enjoying Happy Slip on YouTube. It's cool! Got me laughing quite a bit. Actually, I'm totally addicted to it. Julie, it's all your fault!!!

You know what? This week is probably my last week partying. I mean, last week before the exam. Yes, time to concentrate. OK, maybe I'll be going to the UBar on Thursday night, I mean, UBar is in the uni anyway, so it doesn't count, right? Hehe.

Wait a minute. Next week is a cowboys and indians party at the UBar! OMG, I have to go. I'm soo there. Wanna come?



LoVe~
MzP<3>

Smoke

He wanted me back.

No, he was begging.

Fuck.

I fucking hate this. I have a weakness with men, I can't see them cry. At all. When they cry, I'd do anything to make them stop.

But lately, that's what they've all been doing. CRY. FUCK! Like, what's happening to men these days??? Aren't they supposed to be the stronger sex? The one who don't want to show their emotions? I mean, don't all women have problems about their men not showing emotions?

Or have times just changed? I sure hope not!

Sure, everybody deserves a second chance. But I'm out of of second chances. Or third ones.


LoVe~
MzP<3

We Need a Resolution

OMG, it's so fucking fucked up.

Things are getting so bad. Last night (more like this morning), my Italian boyfriend broke up with me. Through SMS. Yea, he was pissed off with me for some reason. Or just plain pissed (As in drunk). Whatever.

Since we never go to the point where it's love, I was like, oookaayyyy, fine. And I thought it's over. Like really over, because he sounded really pissed off in the phone call he made to me at 2.30am. And the SMS at 5am. Whatever.

Now, he's on the way to talk to me. Like, face to face. OMG. Fuck. Like, what the hell for?? Either he wants to officially break up. Or he wants to get me back. Either way, it doesn't sound pretty. Not in the slightest.

First scenario: break up officially. I seriously don't want him to try to pick a fight. It's scaring me. I mean, I've experienced boyfriends who hit, OK. He doesn't seem like a guy who would, but you never know, do you?

Second scenario: he want's me back. This is scarier. Why? Because I'm done. I don't want it after last night. The thing is, since he's meeting me at my house, so how the hell do I make him leave if he doesn't want to? Shit. What if he gets angrier if I reject him? And what the hell do I say if he wants to talk about 'what happened'?

He said 10 minutes. But I've experienced his '10 minutes', it never is.

OMG, why can't men just let it go? If it's over, it's over. I mean, this time it was even his call. So don't tell me he changed his mind! To me if it's over, it's over. Why dwell further? Why even bother?

I don't fucking care if he broke with me through SMS or face to face. Breaking up is still that - breaking up. Even if he feels guilty, can't he just call instead??? Apparently not.

And to top it all off, I'm freaking hungry. I want to eat. And him showing up is just bringing me further away from my meal called dinner, which is already late as it is. Damn it.

OH. MY. GOD.

It's freaking 10.30pm and he is fucking late.


LoVe~
MzP<3>

Nobody Wants to be Lonely

Oh wow. Once again I stand by the fact that my life is sooo damn fucking full of drama it could cover an entire season of Gossip Girl.

I suddenly realized why I'm never single. I know never being single is not something to be proud of, really. But it's true when it comes to me.

The reason is, it has never occurred to me to be single. I mean, single, to me, is not even an option. It's just a state between one guy and the next. It's not a choice. If a guy is there, there won't be a chance of being single. I guess it's also because I'm not picky. Well, it's not like, any guy will do, but I don't have criterias and I'm not a serial dater, dating only men with certain characteristics (eg. dark hair). (But I do prefer men with dark hair, actually)

But you know what? Can I just say: I told me so. Haha OKOK. Yes, things got screwed up. Pretty bad. Won't say I didn't see it coming, though. So yea, I told me so!!

So yes, I'm not single again. Seriously, that was what? 1.25 seconds of being single? Shit, I'm totally screwed up. Yea, since they have a singles club, I'm thinking of doing a 'Never Single' club. Haha. And yes, I've also never hated Valentine's Day. So there.

Seriously, sometimes I think there's something wrong with me.

Called Julie and she was like, "Girl, I miss you and all your dramas!! I know if you're single more drama because of the guys flocking around you."

OMG, shit. Yes, she knows me tooooo well. Just toooooo well. I miss her la. She has always been the voice of reason... Maybe if she had been here all along I wouldn't have done half of the stupid things I did. Because me, myself & I aren't exactly a good team most of the time.

Oh and she did say she wished she had followed me around with a camera ages ago. Yes, Julie, I know The Hills don't even come close to the drama in my life. Well, not too late to start right? Hehe.

Anyway. This Sunday, I will be in freak out mode. Total freak out, dunno-what-to-do mode. Shit, I'm not ready!!! 5-7days. I can't survive that!! Thinking about it just makes me wanna go to the Ranch tonight... NONONONONO! Exam tomorrow, girl.





But a little fun can't hurt, right?


LoVe~
MzP<3

I Wish

The flowers he gave me bloomed today. They are beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

There was a time where I would have given up the world for you.

But just not now.


I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.


But wishes don't come true.



LoVe~
MzP<3

Top of the World

It's MAY!!! Already..!!

Sorry about the lack of updates... I've been partying too much and studying too much to get anything else done.. hehe. And of course, dating a bit too much too.

Dating, now how's that been? Fun. Different. I suddenly love being single. A Korean guy, a French guy, an Italian, an Afghan/Philo, a Malaysian... and one ex boyfriend. OK, not all of them at once, but in small frequent doses.

The Italian guy... Now he's damn cute. Freaking sexy when he talks in that Italian accent. Even sexier when he actually speaks Italian to me. Tongue piercing, and a DJ too. When he says things like, "You're beautiful," in Italian, trust me, you won't be able to resist him either.

Good news: I'm getting the dress!!! The extremely hot hot HOT dress I found in Newtown. No wait, I've ALREADY gotten it. I have to admit, it looks sooooo good on me that I cannot not have it.

Another good news: I'm getting the phone! The same one. My aunt heard about me losing my phone in Dubai, and proceeded to take steps so that I got the same phone. So yes, I'm getting the dream phone after all!!!

Even more good news: My new job is ensuring I'm not broke! Cool. But please... Eat there and get me some tips... Hehe. Kidding.

Uni has been better than expected. Sure I've been partying, but I've also been catching up pretty well. Getting good grades on assignments... Getting good grades on tests. Let's just say single life is treating me pretty well.

But it has all been tiring like hell! You know the kind of exhaustion that's sooo bad you can just collapse anytime? Well, yea. Only I can't seem to stop doing things. I wanna do it all. I wanna party... I wanna stay up doing assignments... I wanna spend hours studying... I wanna work... and I wanna date. OK, yes, it's crazy. But you almost can't feel how tiresome it can be when you're enjoying it all. It's just crazy!

Anyway... Gota get back to my life. Hehe.

I've gotta admit, it's been too good to be true. Too good that a part of me is just waiting for it all to screw up. For I know, when you're on top of the world, the only place you can go from there is DOWN. But till then, I'll be trying to enjoy this moment as much as possible. No regrets!


LoVe~
MzP<3

The Bare Necessities

Monday. I hate Mondays. But then again, who doesn't, right?

I've been in bed ever since I woke up. Well, OK, not really, I did some cleaning in the kitchen just now but I ended up in bed again. Hehe.

Waiting for calls. I love receiving calls. OK, from the right person, OK.


I'm just AWESOME.


Hehe. That's just a little How I Met You Mother thing.

Did the quiz on Facebook. Guess who I got? Robin Scherbatsky. Cool.

But... I wasn't a teenage popstar. Haha.

I miss Jiy Zhing, and I want to go Newcastle. But she's too busy. OMG, that sucks.

And I'm soooo going to Melbourne June. Count me there. I'll be there.

And my job? It's kind of tiring. But at least I got one! Cool, huh?

And the downside? I've already got to pay for the chocolates. The freaking ADND chocolate sales thing. It's $117.60 bucks! Seriously, it sucks when I haven't finish selling them all, but I still got to pay for the whole damn thing. Stupid fundraising thing.

Camping was good. Hilarious and disastrous. But cool. We saw shooting stars. Sang plenty of disney songs. Cooked steaks and grilled sandwiches. Yum. But it was super cold. And we had to walk 2.8km to our camp site, from the parking space. 2.8km!!! But I was so amazed at the beautiful stars that I barely noticed the long walk. Hehe. Not to mention super cold showers that might have gotten us hypothermia. Haha.

One more week of break. What to do? Study. Assignments. And dates, anyone? Hehe.


LoVe~
MzP<3

Chocolate Raspberry Lemon & Lime

You know what?

My depression is over... for good I hope!

Enjoying the single life sooo much. I'd miss it all. The laughs. The craziness. The unpredictableness. The people. Life.

Tomorrow would be camping. Coolness.

I've always been this random person. Maybe not so adventurous in the conventional way. But I like randomness. And I love variety. And never liked uniformity.

I realised my dreams are once more possible. The adventures. The travelling. I could do it all. I could just live in France tomorrow without thinking what someone else would think. Only thing that stops me is money. But I'm sure that's small, in comparison.

The downside is: I am once again in the state of fear for commitment. But WTH. Life was good right? Why can't it be amazing/awesome/legendary now?

So.

Soooo.

So.

Haha. For the first time, I don't know what to say!

Hey, how come Eiman's not back yet? Haih, that guy. Yeah, he's been great. Checking up on me, being there for me. I mean, he even went out partying with me when he really didn't want to. (No shoes, huh? Hehe)

Seriously, he was checking up on me when I was at my worst. Then he'd drive to my place. Then he'd tell me all these words of wisdom. He kept me from doing stupid things. He gave me hugs when I needed them. He would cheer me up when I got upset.

Basically, he's the bestest guy friend I've ever had. Ever. Love u, E. Don't know what I'd do without you. (And yes, I promise I'd do the same if you're ever in my situation - knock on wood!)

Oh and he thought me to play the intro of a song on the guitar! Yay! (Nanti kita pegi Melbourne sama2 k?)

So, I'm hungry now!!! Hope he brings back pizza.


LoVe~
MzP<3

Against All Odds

I do miss him.

It's this thing. It's when you break up with someone, and you try to get over him, and you find excuses to do it. Although essentially it doesn't work at first, when you finally do get over him, the excuses will still be there. And it will keep you from going back.

But.

But.

But.

I realised today, there's is something small, something tiny that's still there.

Just give me some time, I'll figure it out.

Just not now.

But let's hold on to it, this small thing. Let's have some hope.

So yes, hold on to your promise. For I would hold on to mine. And I would wait. As long as I take to figure it out, I would wait. And after I do figure it out, you'll hear it from me first.

Go change.

Let's do it differently this time.

BUT.

This right here is not a promise in itself. It's just a prospect.

So if a prospect is not enough, tell me now please. For I would not desire my expectations to exceed me.



LoVe~
MzP<3

Who Let The Dogs Out?

I made good on my promise.

Best dance party ever.

9,995 more drinks to go!!!

LoVe~
MzP<3

p.s. Eiman was right: there should have been video.

Better In Time

Finally I cried. Finally.

What was holding me back was numbness. I was numb to the pain. Like the few seconds after getting a cut and your brain hasn't registered it yet, but you see your blood flowing out.

Now I'm feeling the pain. All of it. The whole deal. The pain.

I scrambled for my numbness again, but it evaded me. It still evades me.

Never has a year gone so wrong for me yet... and it's only April.

You know what I need? A nine millimeter. (OK, seriously, not what you think, though)

2am and I fear. Fear to fall asleep. Not because of sleep itself. But I fear to wake up. Because that few seconds after you wake up that the world feels OK, will turn into the worst when you remember. At least I'm not waking up in my bed.

And my lost phone? Never got it back. Probably will not, ever.

I wish I'd get over it soon. ASAP. Sooner. It can't be too soon.

It still stands at 9,999 drinks. Long process here.

Coincidentally, this echoes my sentiments too much. Too much for it to not seem to be a coincidence:

I know what you're doing
I see it all to clear
I only taste the saline when i kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star

Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway...

Here's the thing. I prayed to God to give me this under certain circumstances, and only under those circumstances only. So guess what? God gave me this. And then I knew very well it's a sign. A sign that whatever I fear is coming. A sign that it's not worth it. So everytime I feel like giving up, I think that. And it makes me stronger just for one more day.

You think I'm not hurting? You think I look fine? Think again. But if you think I'm strong, I wouldn't stop you. For strength is the only thing I have. Strength is what I had acquired from my years. Strength gets me out of bed and going and going. Strength.

My favourite stone now is the onyx. It's black and stable. And it's concrete.

So if you've changed, and you want it all, I know you would find me. But I also know you don't want it all.

So you wanna know the sweetest thing I've ever done for a guy? You want to know my greatest sacrifice for a guy? This is it. You're looking at it.

So is this worth it? Yes, every bit. Because I didn't make the choice, essentially. He did.


LoVe~
MzP<3