Someone You Used to Know

It was helpless anyway
There's nothing much we could do or say
Darling don't you think it's a shame?
that it had to end this way

So here's to say goodbye,
our love is lost, and we cant figure why
maybe it really is about time
that we finally made up our minds

So Darling, here's to you
i hope that when you find someone new
that she would always be true to you
to love and understand you

Soon you'll build new memories
then slowly you'd forget about me
then i would slowly be
a distant memory

*Soon i'll just be
that someone you used to know
But darling you will thank me
for letting you go
time is not for wasting
i hope you'll find your intended
But i'm sorry
that your intended isn't me

it's not an easy thing
to shake off our history
i know that's what you want from me
but they will always stay with me

i admit i made mistakes
but darling with you it's just the same
if we stay there will be more to make
i dont know how much more we can take

Darling, it would be unfair
to stay with something no longer there
but it doesn't mean i no longer care
but i'd feel like a burden you can't bear


LoVe~
MzP<3>

Breaking the Habit.

I just missed my bus... Yes, the one to go to work. Dammit. Sometimes I hate Sydney busses... they're too early. Train it is.

How does the saying go? No good deed goes unpunished? Haha. True.

Thing is, everyone was right, and I'm a fool again. I did something nice for someone. He told me to stop giving him bullshit. Come on. This person was about to lose his house and life savings, practically in a single week. I did whatever needs to be done. Now I'm the insensitive one. I should have just not cared then, should I?

Well, whatever. Now I'm in a rut. Again. But I refuse to be.

Life's too short to let this happen again. Open your eyes, and maybe you'll finally grow up.


Need to go to work now.


LoVe~

MzP<3

Too Much to Ask

Here it is again, the dreaded feeling that something is going to go wrong.

Probably something has already gone wrong: I've spent too much money.

Sometimes it's true what they say, we spend money we don't have... to buy things we don't need... for people we don't like.

True for me today.

Seriously, today I did just that.

Then, after the money is spent, I felt guilty. Like, really guilty. Why can't I, for once, spend money for myself instead of for everyone else? For the boyfriend who treated me like shit, for the birthday of a 'friend' who never bothered to show up at my birthday (let alone get me a present), and for people who won't appreciate it.

When I was younger, my mom taught me to be more selfish. I think she's right, I should.

I won't bother anymore.

Plus, my birthday? The one I've been trying so hard for to make up for my last? I'm in half a mind to cancel it for good.

My friends, they don't bother, they never will. I would spend hundreds to make them happy. They wouldn't even spend $5 bucks for a bus ride to my place to see me happy.

And guess what? I'm not the rich one here. I can't afford anything. Then again, when I do other things like bake cupcakes for their birthday, they won't even look at me. Materialistic much?

Whatever, I'm done. You want me to be nice? Let's see you do that first. If not, I won't bother.

And no, you're not getting a ride in the limo for my birthday. :P



LoVe~
MzP<3

Lost!

Hi people.

Guess what?

I lost my phone.

Again!

Yes, that's three times this year.

Yes, it's total crap.

Lost it at Argyle last night. Yes, yes, I went out clubbing in the middle of exams. Bad, I know. But in my defense it wasn't planned. It was supposed to be just dinner. Then hangout. Well... You know what happened next. Probably this is my punishment. But such a cruel punishment ain't it?

So yea, in the midst of it all, I must have dropped my phone somewhere. Yes, it's my 5800. Yes, again. And yes, it's the phone I paid AU$800 for. And yes, I'm seriously depressed.

And even worse, I didn't go to Eiman's birthday. I swear I will beat myself up for that for the whole year coming. And for years to come.

I swear I'm just the worst friend ever. The stupid phone got lost and it was all I could think about the whole day. I didn't even get to call him to wish him happy birthday (phone's fault). It's just a miserable day. Yes, will not forgive myself for that. Dammit, I'm the worst.

But I promised myself to make it up for it. I will. I seriously will. I don't care!

How can one weekend go sooooo WRONG???

After all that's happened this weekend, I deserve a great, big Distinction for my ACCG251 paper on Tuesday. I'd better get it. If not, I'll throw a damn big fit at life itself. Not pretty.



LoVe~
MzP<3

The One

3 papers done.

So far, I've managed to do my exams without any major disasters. Well, minus the terrible less-than-4-hours-sleep, and the no-appetite-to-eat-at-all.

Yea, these days I need at least three doses of sleeping medication to fall asleep. Just to fall asleep. I still can't remain asleep with that many doses. I need to get stronger sleeping pills. Damn it.

Other than that, it's all good. I've finally stopped crying every few hours.

And today, I became Bree Van De Kamp and proceeded to scrub my whole toilet super clean. Including the floors and walls. For about 1.5 hours. And then an hour more to clean up my room.

So I've decided. My next partner wouldn't be someone 'boyfriend-material' but 'husband-material' instead. Yes, I'm ready to look for a prospective husband. I mean, not now. Maybe in a month or 2 I'll be ready. To make it happen. For real this time.

It's going to be hard, I'll admit.

You see, I'm still traditional in a way. I still believe marriage is not just a 'love' affair. I believe it's some parts business as well, like they use to do in the olden days where parents look for their child's spouses, and serious matchmakers are involved. In fact, I don't really mind if the husband part is dealt with by my parents (Like an arranged marriage in a way). As in, they do all the hard work of looking for a husband for me (Hey, at least if things screw up, I have someone to blame! Hehe). OK, not really. I would like to have some say in my prospective husband. But I guess I trust my mom's taste enough. As long as it's not one of my ex boyfriends, I'll be alright with them.

In fact, it'd be interesting to see the types of men they will pick.

Plus, I'm kind of tired bringing home one guy after another, just for them to shoot him down. You know, not handsome enough, not rich enough, not old enough, bla-di-bla.

And plus, I'm even more tired of falling in love outside of marriage. I mean, why can't it be like those days where you get married and then fall in love? Then both of you can't leave each other because it's against the law or something. Who the hell came up with fall in love and then get married, anyway? It's crap to me. I mean marriages are supposed to be sacred right? It's supposed to be the thing. But nowadays it's just a why not? thing. Or a trapped thing. Or a no one else and I'm too old thing. Human kind is definitely losing it. Definitely.

So I'll be looking for the real thing. A good guy. Someone stable (emotionally, mentally and financially, preferably), someone matured, and someone who cares. Someone at the right age (between 3 to 10 years older than me). Someone with good genes (so I don't have to worry about my children and their children). Definitely someone who treats me right. Above all else.

I'd want fights, but good fights. I'd want love, but it doesn't matter if that's now or much later. I'd want a guidance, who is way better than me and can guide me through everything, not the other way around. Most of all, I'd want a person. Imperfect, but perfect for me, nevertheless.

Yes, in a month or two, I'll be ready to find that guy whoever you are. A long journey? Definitely a hard one. And hopefully by the time I'm done, I'd end up with just the right one.

And hopefully my parents would like him. And his parents would like me too. (Although I do realise this is asking for abit to much).



LoVe~
MzP<3

Damaged

How damaged am I right now? Pretty darn damaged.

I'm so damaged that I can't even feel essential things that make you survive.

I can't feel hunger. I don't eat. And I don't feel like eating. I don't feel hungry. I don't feel the need to eat. I just eat because it seems like a good idea. And it's just a matter of time before I throw it all back out anyway.

I can't feel warmth. I feel cold. Just cold. I'm wearing a jacket. In bed, under a blanket. My room is 10 degrees higher than outside. Yet I don't feel warm. Just very very cold.

I can't feel sleepy. In fact I hate to fall asleep. I just do it because exams are near, and I need my brain to be working properly. But I'd still put it off for as long as possible. Because it's the worse feeling when you wake up, for a few seconds the world seem alright, and then when you remember it all again, your world comes crashing down around you again.

I can't breathe. Every breath hurts. Every one.

I can't think. For thinking leads to another. And to another. And will end up in the darkest place.

I can't wake up. For waking up, I have to face the world again. What's the whole point?

When you find out Santa Claus don't exist after all, what's it to you? All the promises. All the wishes. All the hope. Lost. And who would replace him? No one.

It's just a phase, right? Believing in love? Like believing in Santa Claus. It's just a phase. A childhood naivete.

It's wretched, believing in one man who you think is the one. He turns out to disappoint even more than any I've known.


I need someone to hold me now. Are you the one? No, because you're not here. I'm alone, again. Ironic isn't it when you lose someone is when you need them the most? But they're not there. Not even when they promised to be. And they've promised alot. A whole lot.

____________________________________________________________________
I would've come back to you next week, with my puppy dog face, back to you. But it's ruined. You've ruined it. I am ruined.

Happy now?

Take your money. And if money buys you all of what is enough for you, then you deserve it. Every cent.

And me? I'll stay here, thank you very much. And I'll get over this. And I'll get over you.

And I'll get over love.

For if love makes me long for a bastard like that, maybe love really is stupid and senseless after all. And maybe I am stupid and senseless for thinking love ever really did exist.


LoVe~
MzP<3

Dead and Gone

So, my ex boyfriend called just now. Guess why? To ask for money. Money, I tell you. It takes a special kind of sleaze to end things with someone and then ask for money after that. $300, no less.

Seriously, I was sooo pissed off that that was the point I got over him totally. 100%. I can't believe I told Mira I wanted to marry him last night. Total douchebag.

I was like, fine, since we're asking for money, you owe me money too. So he was like, OK, minus it from the $300. I was like, fine, sms me your account number, and I'll transfer it to you later.

Seriously, I was sooo pissed off, I was fuming. He had the nerve!

Then, he called me 10 minutes later, and then he said, forget about the money. What the hell? That got me more furious. First, he got so low as to ask a woman (his ex, no less) for money and then want to pretend to be a good guy and say that money is not important to him. FUCK OFF. Man up, and be the guy you really are. Dah mintak duit tu dahla, tak payah nak buat baik sangat.

Seriously Thaqeef, if you are reading this, just SMS me your account number and I'll transfer the money to you. I don't want to owe you anything anymore. You're dead to me.

You're DEAD to me, asshole.

Come on, man up to who you really are.


Harsh, I know, but seriously, if this is you, I take back everything I've said and done for you.

Just last night, I thought I loved you. So much. So so much. Sooooo so much that I would've taken you back in a heartbeat and make it official.

But I guess now I know who you really are.

You're simply dead to me. No more.


XuXa

LoVe~
MzP<3

Yes, I really do mean it.

Fluorescent Adolescent

This morning when I woke up, I suddenly realised something: I'll be OK. I'll be alright.

I haven't cried yet. Watched 'He's Just Not That Into You' a million times. Slept over Mira's place two nights in a row. Studied. Did something I really shouldn't mention here (in case it gets to my mom... hehe). Twice. And I'll be OK. Cool.

So I find talking about totally unrelated stuff helps. So here's talking about something else. Something I've mentioned once or twice in this blog, but never really really talked about.

About 2.5 years ago, when I was 18, I met this guy. I remember the exact moment. In Taylor's, first day of classes. He was sitting there. A friend of mine pointed him out, saying how cute he was. Someone asked for his name. We pondered.

Then he turned and looked at me. A lingering look. Then, nothing.

For the next year or so, I longed for that look again. Just that one look. Even when I moved on to other crushes, he still held a small place, somewhere.

I did ask a friend of a friend if he was single. He was. Single and looking. But me being me, I'd never ever get the courage to talk to him. I'd still see him around occasionally. But I'm just too shy. This I had always beat myself up for. Because I'm always haunted by, "What if?"

Yes, it was cute. Very high school. Very stupid. Very me.

Then I went back to my life. My loves. My ups and downs.

After a while, at a very random encounter, I met him again. I got pushed into talking to him. Tricked.

So I talked to him. I was single, so was he. I found out I still liked him, that he was charming. Long story short, it ended with him asking me to 'drop by' his hotel for more partying later. I didn't go.

So it ends.

I still have a million and one things to say here but I won't. Guess what I want to say. Some good things, some bad things. Something funny. Something depressing. Something damaging. Something cute. And maybe something happy. Just some things. And a question.



So why am I writing about him then? Well, I'm taking my mind off another. Maybe I'll write about alot more of my crushes, unrequited stuff, coming up.

I'm damaged right now. Trying to get over someone I love. So yes, I'd talk about the past. Unrelated. I'm over the guy mentioned above. But I'd take a lesson out of it. I'd talk to a guy I like. Just so 'What If' is out of the way. Just so I'd clear it up. Just so I won't wonder years later what would happen otherwise. Just so.

____________________________________________________________________

Thanks for my piece of mind.

____________________________________________________________________

And another thing, if it's alright, I'd be writing as Xuxa for awhile. I need her strength to get over this dark time. So I'd apologise earlier if my act and words from here on might hurt someone. I can't be me for awhile, I can't afford to.

And not just here. On MSN, on FB, in real life. Xuxa it is from here on out.


And please, wish me luck for my exams!!!


LoVe~
MzP<3


The way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

XuXa

Peace Sign Index Down

My exams are coming up. Next week, actually. As usual, I'm not prepared.

And as you know how my life couldn't be void of drama for that long, I'm in deep shit again. C'mon, depression a week before the exams? OMG, what is wrong with me?

Why do I keep putting myself in this situation? I just don't get it. He's just another jerk. Dickhead.

On the upside, I've been planning my after-exams. Finishing my exams on the 16th. And from then onwards I'll be partying non-stop. NON-STOP. Wednesday nights again. And all other nights in the week. Mark my words, I'm gonna party until I drop. We're talking, "Pass out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat and do it again," kind of partying.

Then trip to Brisbane. Yes, with Jas and Fah. I'll make sure to have fun. Every minute of it.

NCG people! (OK, I'm trying to summon some enthusiasm for it). The thing about NCG is not the sports. It's the people. The people I'm going to meet again. I'm excited!!

Then back to Malaysia!! OMG, that one I'm sooo looking forward to. Two and a half weeks. Time for friends, some hangouts. And definitely a fling. Definitely.

I'm sick of half decent Malay men in Sydney. Go back to Malaysia and have the pick of a lifetime. Now that's what I want.

And yes, I'm denying love. I lost my believe in it all over again. Great. It never did me any good anyway.

Here's me LIVING my own life. Deal with it.

Put up the peace sign with the index down!!!



LoVe~
MzP<3

Confessions of a Broken Heart

Selfishness. It runs in all of us. Each one of us is selfish in one way or another.

Tonight, I wouldn't get into the details, but basically, someone was calling me selfish.

In a way, I was. I'll admit it. Because we all are, aren't we?

I'll tell you what. It's 3.35am. I'm still not sleeping. I need to do a quiz online worth 5%. The quiz lasts 80mins. So if I start at 3.40am, I'll finish at 5am. I was supposed to start it at 2am. I have work tomorrow, morning.

You see, let's just say we turned the tables. I needed to sleep early. I just screwed up my studies. I was hurt. I can't study now because of what happened. I have a splitting headache. I cried.

But in the end, I am selfish.

I chased you away?

Maybe I should have done it earlier, then.

3.42am.

Nice.

The hole inside me is getting bigger and bigger. And I don't even bother to hold myself together this time. My life is just fucked up now.

4.05am.

I'll get over him soon, I swear. And this time, I won't ever go through this again. Not with him, not with any other guy in the world.



LoVe~
MzP<3