The Bare Necessities

Monday. I hate Mondays. But then again, who doesn't, right?

I've been in bed ever since I woke up. Well, OK, not really, I did some cleaning in the kitchen just now but I ended up in bed again. Hehe.

Waiting for calls. I love receiving calls. OK, from the right person, OK.


I'm just AWESOME.


Hehe. That's just a little How I Met You Mother thing.

Did the quiz on Facebook. Guess who I got? Robin Scherbatsky. Cool.

But... I wasn't a teenage popstar. Haha.

I miss Jiy Zhing, and I want to go Newcastle. But she's too busy. OMG, that sucks.

And I'm soooo going to Melbourne June. Count me there. I'll be there.

And my job? It's kind of tiring. But at least I got one! Cool, huh?

And the downside? I've already got to pay for the chocolates. The freaking ADND chocolate sales thing. It's $117.60 bucks! Seriously, it sucks when I haven't finish selling them all, but I still got to pay for the whole damn thing. Stupid fundraising thing.

Camping was good. Hilarious and disastrous. But cool. We saw shooting stars. Sang plenty of disney songs. Cooked steaks and grilled sandwiches. Yum. But it was super cold. And we had to walk 2.8km to our camp site, from the parking space. 2.8km!!! But I was so amazed at the beautiful stars that I barely noticed the long walk. Hehe. Not to mention super cold showers that might have gotten us hypothermia. Haha.

One more week of break. What to do? Study. Assignments. And dates, anyone? Hehe.


LoVe~
MzP<3

Chocolate Raspberry Lemon & Lime

You know what?

My depression is over... for good I hope!

Enjoying the single life sooo much. I'd miss it all. The laughs. The craziness. The unpredictableness. The people. Life.

Tomorrow would be camping. Coolness.

I've always been this random person. Maybe not so adventurous in the conventional way. But I like randomness. And I love variety. And never liked uniformity.

I realised my dreams are once more possible. The adventures. The travelling. I could do it all. I could just live in France tomorrow without thinking what someone else would think. Only thing that stops me is money. But I'm sure that's small, in comparison.

The downside is: I am once again in the state of fear for commitment. But WTH. Life was good right? Why can't it be amazing/awesome/legendary now?

So.

Soooo.

So.

Haha. For the first time, I don't know what to say!

Hey, how come Eiman's not back yet? Haih, that guy. Yeah, he's been great. Checking up on me, being there for me. I mean, he even went out partying with me when he really didn't want to. (No shoes, huh? Hehe)

Seriously, he was checking up on me when I was at my worst. Then he'd drive to my place. Then he'd tell me all these words of wisdom. He kept me from doing stupid things. He gave me hugs when I needed them. He would cheer me up when I got upset.

Basically, he's the bestest guy friend I've ever had. Ever. Love u, E. Don't know what I'd do without you. (And yes, I promise I'd do the same if you're ever in my situation - knock on wood!)

Oh and he thought me to play the intro of a song on the guitar! Yay! (Nanti kita pegi Melbourne sama2 k?)

So, I'm hungry now!!! Hope he brings back pizza.


LoVe~
MzP<3

Against All Odds

I do miss him.

It's this thing. It's when you break up with someone, and you try to get over him, and you find excuses to do it. Although essentially it doesn't work at first, when you finally do get over him, the excuses will still be there. And it will keep you from going back.

But.

But.

But.

I realised today, there's is something small, something tiny that's still there.

Just give me some time, I'll figure it out.

Just not now.

But let's hold on to it, this small thing. Let's have some hope.

So yes, hold on to your promise. For I would hold on to mine. And I would wait. As long as I take to figure it out, I would wait. And after I do figure it out, you'll hear it from me first.

Go change.

Let's do it differently this time.

BUT.

This right here is not a promise in itself. It's just a prospect.

So if a prospect is not enough, tell me now please. For I would not desire my expectations to exceed me.



LoVe~
MzP<3

Who Let The Dogs Out?

I made good on my promise.

Best dance party ever.

9,995 more drinks to go!!!

LoVe~
MzP<3

p.s. Eiman was right: there should have been video.

Better In Time

Finally I cried. Finally.

What was holding me back was numbness. I was numb to the pain. Like the few seconds after getting a cut and your brain hasn't registered it yet, but you see your blood flowing out.

Now I'm feeling the pain. All of it. The whole deal. The pain.

I scrambled for my numbness again, but it evaded me. It still evades me.

Never has a year gone so wrong for me yet... and it's only April.

You know what I need? A nine millimeter. (OK, seriously, not what you think, though)

2am and I fear. Fear to fall asleep. Not because of sleep itself. But I fear to wake up. Because that few seconds after you wake up that the world feels OK, will turn into the worst when you remember. At least I'm not waking up in my bed.

And my lost phone? Never got it back. Probably will not, ever.

I wish I'd get over it soon. ASAP. Sooner. It can't be too soon.

It still stands at 9,999 drinks. Long process here.

Coincidentally, this echoes my sentiments too much. Too much for it to not seem to be a coincidence:

I know what you're doing
I see it all to clear
I only taste the saline when i kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star

Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway...

Here's the thing. I prayed to God to give me this under certain circumstances, and only under those circumstances only. So guess what? God gave me this. And then I knew very well it's a sign. A sign that whatever I fear is coming. A sign that it's not worth it. So everytime I feel like giving up, I think that. And it makes me stronger just for one more day.

You think I'm not hurting? You think I look fine? Think again. But if you think I'm strong, I wouldn't stop you. For strength is the only thing I have. Strength is what I had acquired from my years. Strength gets me out of bed and going and going. Strength.

My favourite stone now is the onyx. It's black and stable. And it's concrete.

So if you've changed, and you want it all, I know you would find me. But I also know you don't want it all.

So you wanna know the sweetest thing I've ever done for a guy? You want to know my greatest sacrifice for a guy? This is it. You're looking at it.

So is this worth it? Yes, every bit. Because I didn't make the choice, essentially. He did.


LoVe~
MzP<3

Bad Day

FUCK!!!

Lost my phone.


FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LoVe~
MzP<3

Bye Bye Bye

I have the sweetest friends...

No kidding. The best.

They've been calling. They've been coming over. They've been getting me to go to the uni bar during free times. They've been buying my dance party tickets.

I just woke up, by the way. Partying last night till 4am. Whoa. 9,999 more drinks to go. I'll get there.

Then I see the whole picture today. Those are all the things I gave up before. The spontaneity. The mindless fun. The random sleepovers. OMG, I miss all that so much now. But I'm getting it all back. Including my money.

I'm having my piece of mind now.

But I'm worried very much. I'm worried of my tendency of getting over someone too soon. It's me, all along. Remember the logical theory? That if you don't act on a feeling, it doesn't exist? Yes. The longest I've been single was too short to not hurt someone. And this time, I'm scared of hurting someone. So now what? Be selfish or be selfless?

I've got plans the whole of next week. See? Bestest friends ever.

I love them!

And today? It's a secret.

Oh, I also have a job interview!!! Yup, today, peeps.

Funny how everything is turning out alright so soon.



And not a single tear.


LoVe~
MzP<3

This I Promise You

There is this one magic trick I've seen a few times before. A magic trick where there is one performer. Then there is one, say, victim. Then there might be spectators, there might not. The trick goes like this: The performer takes an item, an ordinary item. He puts it in one of his hands, the 'victim' standing in front of him. He then moves his hands really fast, and while he does this, if there are spectators, they'll see him clearly toss it out of his hands. But the 'victim' won't catch it because he's just standing too close. So when it's done, the 'victim' would have to pick which hand the item is in. He picks one hand, it's not there. He picks the other, it's not there either. Then, for a split second, he's amazed, only to be laughed at by all the spectators.

The thing is, in some points, life is a bit like that. When you stand so close, and something goes wrong, eventhough it's so damn clear to everyone else, you just can't see it. Can't at all. And you wouldn't believe it when someone else tried to tell you. After all, you're the only one who's the closest to it, so how the hell would you miss it?

See, it can happen. It happens so many times. When politicians make huge mistakes with the rest of the country staring, knowing it's very wrong. When teachers teach the wrong thing in class and won't believe when another student say it's wrong. When each and everyone of us makes a decision that we're so sure of the circumstances, but everything just turns out totally different.

Sure, it happens to all of us. We're all 'victims' at one point or another. It's just how bad will the damage be when we find out? When we step back and take a look at the whole picture?

But that's not what bothers me so much.

What really bothers me, is what if you're a spectator? What if you're looking from afar at this person who's about to make a really big mistake? And you know very very well how it's going to turn out - really disastrous. What do you do then? Assuming you love them. Assuming you care.

Do you let them make the mistake? We're talking a mistake so big, it'll cripple them. A mistake so big it'll damage them, fuck them up for the rest of their existence.

Fine, if we have the sense, we would try. We'd try to make them see. Get them to step back. Make them see the whole picture.

But what if they just simply refuse? Refuse to see it? Refuse to step back? Refuse to see it the way you do?

Do you still try? Or do you step back and let them do it? And if you do the second thing, would it mean that you gave up? Gave up on someone you love? Or would it mean that you're just letting them learn? And could you have done more? One day when the 'victim' looks back, would he/she blame you for not trying harder to make him/her see?

Once again, we're talking a really really big mistake, one that would change all circumstances. One he would lie on his death bed 50 years from now and wish he hadn't done.

I'll tell you what I would do. I wouldn't stop. I'd stick by till the end. The very end. I'll sacrifice everything just so that he could be happy in years to come. I would do it. Watch me. And once the time comes when it's too much for me, I'll go. Just go in way that I'll never come back. But untill then, I promise to do my best. To give my all. Even if it destroys me in the process. I want to do it. I'd want to not just say I tried, but that I've given everything I could. Is it worth it though? I don't know. You tell me.

Because, I know it seems like I'm turning into the 'victim' here this time. But watch me do it. Just watch.

I'll do it until it ends for me. Because I know in the long run, I won't regret it.


LoVe~
MzP<3>