Better In Time

Finally I cried. Finally.

What was holding me back was numbness. I was numb to the pain. Like the few seconds after getting a cut and your brain hasn't registered it yet, but you see your blood flowing out.

Now I'm feeling the pain. All of it. The whole deal. The pain.

I scrambled for my numbness again, but it evaded me. It still evades me.

Never has a year gone so wrong for me yet... and it's only April.

You know what I need? A nine millimeter. (OK, seriously, not what you think, though)

2am and I fear. Fear to fall asleep. Not because of sleep itself. But I fear to wake up. Because that few seconds after you wake up that the world feels OK, will turn into the worst when you remember. At least I'm not waking up in my bed.

And my lost phone? Never got it back. Probably will not, ever.

I wish I'd get over it soon. ASAP. Sooner. It can't be too soon.

It still stands at 9,999 drinks. Long process here.

Coincidentally, this echoes my sentiments too much. Too much for it to not seem to be a coincidence:

I know what you're doing
I see it all to clear
I only taste the saline when i kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star

Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway...

Here's the thing. I prayed to God to give me this under certain circumstances, and only under those circumstances only. So guess what? God gave me this. And then I knew very well it's a sign. A sign that whatever I fear is coming. A sign that it's not worth it. So everytime I feel like giving up, I think that. And it makes me stronger just for one more day.

You think I'm not hurting? You think I look fine? Think again. But if you think I'm strong, I wouldn't stop you. For strength is the only thing I have. Strength is what I had acquired from my years. Strength gets me out of bed and going and going. Strength.

My favourite stone now is the onyx. It's black and stable. And it's concrete.

So if you've changed, and you want it all, I know you would find me. But I also know you don't want it all.

So you wanna know the sweetest thing I've ever done for a guy? You want to know my greatest sacrifice for a guy? This is it. You're looking at it.

So is this worth it? Yes, every bit. Because I didn't make the choice, essentially. He did.


LoVe~
MzP<3