Mile In These Shoes

I don't expect to hear from you or see you in a very VERY long time.

So. The explanation.

This guy I've been with, this guy I loved so much has this rule. I'm never allowed to go out clubbing. I'm forbidden. He hates it. The rule is, I can only go out clubbing when he's around. When he comes with me. This is one big rule.

For me to out clubbing is a total fault in his eyes. Even if I go out with all girls. Once when we were fighting about things we like to do, I said I like clubbing why can't I do it? And he said, "Tak boleh ke buat something berfaedah?"

One thing, I don't drink. I don't go out clubbing to get drunk. Or to make a fool of myself. I go to meet my friends, to dance, have a good time. Despite knowing I don't drink, he still controls me in that way.

So the rule is I can only go with him, right? When he is around, whenever my friends ask me to go out with them I ask him, and his answers are always, "No." It's always about how he's not in the mood. About how he prefers spending time with me at home. About how that part of his life is 'over' and he doesn't have fun doing it anymore.

It fucking annoys me everytime, that he thinks he's soooo self-righteous by not going clubbing.

The times we do end up going, which is very few, by the way, we would go back early. Too early. Eventhough I begged him to stay for a little while longer. But if he wants to go home, I have to go too, because I can't be there alone. So usually, we'll end up home before 1am. Before midnight, most nights. And I would spend the next day listening to my friends talk about how good it was after I left.

This came up in our fights a few times. About how I can't go without him, and with him, he won't even let me enjoy as long as I want.

So there is also another rule between us: the rule of when the circumstances warrant a breakup, or if one us asks for a breakup, we will wait 24 hours before we do something the other don't like. Like, say, make out with someone else. His rule, not mine, because he is such a jerk that if we breakup, he can't see me with another guy, but his ego is too high to ask for me back.

He would do something like walk away from me, but still act like I'm his possession. Calling me a slut if I rebound or try to get over him too fast. Even more than 24 hours after a breakup.

So last weekend right, it was during our uni break. He made a promise to finally bring me somewhere on this break. He promised to bring me to La Perouse for the sunset. I was so excited about it, because other than just spending time together in the sunset, it was supposed to be the time where we officially get together.

So because of how busy we were last week, the only day we could go was on Friday. So we planned it. We planned it the whole week. I was so looking forward to it. So excited that we were finally going somewhere together. Just the two of us.

Then suddenly, change of plans. His sister got upset with him because he didn't spend time with her and visit her in Newcastle. So I said, you know what? Why don't you go to Newcastle and see your sister. We can do the La Perouse thing another day.

So yes, I sacrificed our one holiday in a LOOOOOONG time. Our one thing.

So he went to Newcastle. His first day there, we had a fight. Fight, which was small, and became bigger and bigger. Until we stopped talking to each other.

So the next day I had a meeting for my society, far away. Suddenly I received his SMS, saying he'll see me tonight, and telling me the time he'll be reaching Sydney.

Well, we were still fighting, and I was pissed off that he didn't call me at all the previous day, and then started SMSing me like everything was normal. In the midst of our text argument, he let it slip that he came back at 2am the night before.

Then he called. I picked up.

I asked, " You came back at 2? Did you go out clubbing?"

He said, "Yes."

I stopped talking to him since.






















So.

Today, he came to see me. Wanting me back. Apologising for the things he said.

But when the clubbing thing came up? He didn't think he did anything wrong. He said, he didn't do anything wrong at first, and that it's alright to go out clubbing. Then I repeated all the things he said to me about clubbing.

Then when I said he never let me, he said it's only because I'm a girl. Only because guys will come up to me and hit on me. So it's a double standard. It's alright for him to go but it's not alright for ME, apparently. I'm his doll.

I never realise that this relationship is pure bullshit until now.

Until now he won't apologize. Until now he says he doesn't know why I'm so pissed off.

But he wants me back. Without apologising.







Like I said, this explanation is the end of it. Be in my shoes and tell me what you would feel if this were you.

It's time to end it right?

If you still haven't realized it by now, my love for him is clouding my judgment. So please, tell me.

I dare you to walk a mile in my shoes

LoVe~
MzP<3>