Saturday Night

Today is Saturday.

Happy Halloween!!!

3 Parties today. I don't mean I'm invited to three, I mean I'm going to three. Crazy huh? Haha.

Today is also the day. The day I would find out a few things. And also do a few things.


The Halloween cruise last Wednesday was bloody awesome. It's not just the cruise, but more of the after party. At Armain's apartment, in the city. OMG, it was LEGENDARY. Hehe.

His apartment had the best view ever. They had a projector for a TV. 3TB worth of videos and music. And they have a swimming pool and jacuzzi at the top floor. Imagine that.

Naturally, the swimming pool and jacuzzi is closed at night, but all of us actually climbed over the gate. We watched the amazing view.

Ali threw me in the pool. In my catwoman suit. Seriously. But that's alright, since that was when they all decided to strip down to their underwear and get in the jacuzzi.

For 20 minutes. Then someone came and chased us out. Well, not literally. They made a bargain instead: We get out of the pool, they open the bar. Just for us!! No, I'm serious.

So we got out, dressed up (I had to borrow someone's girlfriend's clothes cos my costume was all wet), and we headed to the bar. Where, naturally, everyone got more drunk.

Party ends when we all decided to grab a bite in Macca's. So Macca's we went, where I had probably the best fries I've ever tasted. And then we all got taxis home.

Awesome night.


There will be a sequel tonight. Same place. Can't wait!


And remember my previous fascination with German guys? Well... Hahaha. Goes without saying, doesn't it?


OK, so I'm off now. My day is starting soon.

Oh, and I did get the bowls for my fishes, Emilio and Valentino. Big wine glasses. They look divine.

Yes, the wine glasses are pretty expensive. Well, my fishes are low maintenance, but I'm not!

Everywhere I go, somebody I know,
Wants to come and kick it with me
Saturday night and we're gonna have a party!

LoVe~
MzP<3

Somewhere I Belong

For the first time in my life, ever, I finally feel at home.

Two years in Australia made me feel so much more at home than 20 years in Malaysia. Funny, and weird but true.

And this fact I just realised today.

After all those years for feeling like I never quite belonged anywhere, this is a refreshing revelation.

This is me. The way I am. Who I am. And I like it immensely. No, I love it.



And guess what? I can now listen to 'our' song and not burst into tears anymore. In fact it's playing right now, and eventhough I could recall the sweet memories, I do not long for it anymore. I could finally smile at the memories. Smile because they happened.

And maybe someday, I would like to fall deeply and undeniably in love again. I would wait for that time to come, and this time I would embrace it without hesitation.



Anyhow. Have we all know about my beloved Emilio? *Squealing in delight*

Yes, he's my male Siamese fighting fish I keep in a bourbon bowl on my bedside table. I love my Emilio. I named him after Emilio Pucci for his colours remind me of Pucci's designs.

And yesterday, I found a fighting fish so beautiful, I could not ever imagine not having him. His colours are of nice pink and white beautifully coloured to resemble a soft alluring floral silk dress. He's so beautiful, I knew I had to have him there and then. I knew I can't sleep until I have him.

We stood there in the shop for about an hour coming up with a name for him. Names like Lagerfeld, Gianni, Oscar, Alexander and lots of other designers came up. But of course only one name suits him Valentino.

And I would say that he is as exquisite as a Valentino gown. maybe even more so.


And today, I will own him. And he will be Emilio's new friend. Or maybe the appropriate word is 'buddy' since fighting fish don't need or want friends.

And even Sandrine found a gorgeous bright red one. One she wants to name Hercules.

I really hope we both will have a fish when we leave today.


Yes, did I tell you? We're getting my beloved Valentino today!!!!




Oh, so and what happened to the Hot Chocolate at 10am? Wow. I swear it put me in a good mood the whole day. I was practically singing!!

But that night, things took a turn. Which is keeping me very very disturbed. I have noooo idea what is happening. Or if anything is happening. I'm just confused. Very. At least give me a sign!


I will never know myself until I do this on my own
Cuz I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away
I'll find myself today



LoVe~
MzP<3

3

Have you heard Britney's new song, 3? It's my ringtone right now, but seriously that was before I found out it's about a threesome. Tempted to change, but let's just keep it for the fun of it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not promoting threesomes. Plus a friend of mine said to never do it because you'd feel like shit the next day. And this coming from a person who would try just about anything. So yes, don't try threesome, kids.

Despite whatever happens in Gossip Girl series. (Yes, there's going to be a threesome! And no, it does not involve Chuck or Blair or, surprisingly, Georgina)


So lots have happened since my last post.


Life has gotten thoroughly better.

I like the fact that some people still don't know about the breakup. Feels kind of subtle and nice. I mean, at least people don't think it's real. Yet. I find that amusing.

And also a good thing. As I'm swearing off men for abit, I find it totally convenient that men are not around. Relieved.

But I have been busy with my friends. Everyday is like an adventure these days, that if I get out of my house, I won't get home until at least midnight. There's always something to do, someone to see. Keeps me busy.




Well, secretly, there is someone. Secretly. But it's just a harmless crush. Nothing more. Very high school, actually. Kind of like admiring someone from afar but not getting up the courage to talk to him. Rebound? I don't think so. Because all it is, is that I enjoy his company. Nothing more, nothing less. I told you, very high school.

Being reminded of high school is not too bad either... A simple innocent bout of infatuation. It's nice.


Hot chocolate at 10am. Sounds good? Yay or nay?


Ah, no matter. This thing won't last long. It's just a question of eliminating 'What if' you know?

Three is charm
Two is not the same
I don't see the harm
So are you game?

LoVe~
MzP<3

Stranger

I would admit, I have been thinking abit to much about him. I have been bursting into tears at very random moments, which doesn't even seem appropriate.

So then last night, I finally heard the voice mail he left me on my phone. The night when he came to apologize but left, and then proceeded to call me endlessly, where each time I picked up the phone he gave me another bunch of stupid reasons and excuses. This resulted in 100++ missed calls. And about 5 voice mail messages.

So I called my mailbox, and got jolted harshly back to reality. Then I realised what I should have realised ages ago: He is NOT the same guy i fell in love with. The person I'm missing might as well be dead.

What jolted me was the amount of the word fuck he could use in 3 seconds. Amazing.

I get that he was angry, but when the hell has our relationship progressed to the point where he can give me 5 voicemails full with profanities like that.


But at least I know one thing: This is exactly why I resist calling him. Because I know the person I call would not be the person I'd want to talk to. A total stranger. And that is reason enough.


Nobody believes me when I tell them that you're out of your mind
Nobody believes me when I tell them that there's so much you hide
You treat me like a queen when we go out
Wanna show everyone what our love's about
All wrapped up in me whenever there is a crowd
But when no one's around

There's no kindness in your eyes
The way you look at me is just not right
I can tell what's going on this time
There's a stranger in my life
You're not the person that I once knew
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do
Then they would see a stranger too

Such a long way back, from this place we arrived
When I think of all the time I wasted I could cry...



LoVe~
MzP<3

A Puro Dolor

Oh my gosh. I swear, if I got home a little later, I would be puking all over the place.

I'm just so sick!

Tonight was a good night. Better than expected at least. I lost my voice, though. Funny thing, when I lose my voice, I tend to talk more, because I like to hear my self speak in a voice totally different than what I'm used to.

....

Speaking of losing voices, do you happen to know, there is an island in the US, where, in the 1800s, almost everyone speaks in sign language? The place is Martha's Vineyard, and the sign language is called Martha's Vineyard Sign Language (MVSL).

Apparently, the people on the island has very high rate of deafness. So to make it easier, everyone learns the sign language, and uses it in their everyday life, including people who are not deaf. It was so common that people used it eventhough there were no deaf people around. This just makes it much easier for the deaf people to fit in their everyday lives, and function normally with everyone else.

Wow. Can you imagine living in a place like that? Very interesting, I reckon.

Unfortunately, the MVSL sort of drifted away. The deaf rate on the island went down, and now very few people actually recall the sign language. Or possibly none at all. The sign language the deaf people use now is the usual American one.

*Pause.

OK, that was an episode of facing the toilet bowl. Shit. I'm going to feel like crap tomorrow.

(Now I remember why I don't like puking: It hurts!)

I think I need some sleep, being in this condition, but I can't sleep!!

Now I kind of wish I'm somewhere else... Where? That is a secret I'll never tell! Hehe. xoxo



I think I'd need to at least try to sleep.

But wait! I'm not drunk. I didn't drink, alright.

I truly am sick. Like, literally. Seriously sick. I think I'm supposed to go see a doctor or something, I mean, don't you have to if it comes to this point? Well, whatever.


Anyways, good night.

Y las noches me saben
A puro dolor



LoVe~
MzP<3

When I'm Back On My Feet Again

I feel like I just won $200 or something.

I guess that's how it is with opportunity costs. I no longer have to spend the $200 dollars, which was my initial obligation. So it feels like I have an extra $200 out of nowhere. Happy happy. Hehe.

Last night I had one of the best sleep in a long time. Sandrine stayed over, and we both slept way way past our wake up time!

So, today I decided to be a little bit more of a nerd and study something. No, nothing related to accounting, unfortunately. More in the line of Biology. Genetics, to be specific. The topic in particular is evolution, or to be a lot more specific, speciation.

I found out two things:

1. My initial theory that evolution occurs pretty fast, is right. Flies could divide into two completely different species in as little as 8 generations. And as flies only have a life span of what, a day, that is a short time.

2. I learned this thing called punctuated equilibrium, officially introduced in a research paper produced in 1972, and I think, it so makes sense! Before this, they argued, if evolution really does exist, why then doesn't the 'in-betweens' of humans and monkeys exist? Well, it seems punctuated equilibrium explains it.

Can you imagine, though, that actually, some of the discoveries of new species, could possibly be really actually really new species that just appeared, say, 5 years ago. Wow. Interesting huh?

Punctuated equilibrium is the term used to show that most animals and plants stay the same for a long time, and will only evolve when pressure is present, and that it will take only a short time to evolve and then when it adapts, remain as the next species for a long time until the next evolution. So evolution does not happen gradually, as previously assumed. There is very little time between the change from one species to the next, but the species then remain the same for a long time, as long as it suits their niche perfectly.

Plenty interesting stuff, I would say. And the fact these studies are relatively new. I love new information like this. It feeds my brain more than all those accounting crap I've been stuffing my head with.

So. Tomorrow is ADND 2009. Dee-zahz-tergh as HappySlip's* dad would say.

I don't know why, but ADND marketing this year is so bad, that no one actually knows when it is, even. And they say, my department is not doing their job. I mean, seriously, no one has even seen the ADND logo. This is just so wrong. Everything is so... haywired, for want of a better word.




What's going on with me, though? Well, I'm putting my love life on hold. Despite men appearing again, around me. Maybe I need time, or maybe I'm just not interested... Hehehe... Nah, seriously, it is really on hold for the time being. A bit of time to get me back on my feet. But seeing as how slow time is going for me right now, one day would feel like a week, I wouldn't expect it to be too long of a wait. Alright, not a relationship per say, maybe just a rebound.

And this time I would want a REALtionship. Not those fake ones.

Soon these tears will all be dryin'
Soon these eyes will see the sun
Won't be long, won't be long
Till I see it
When I'm back on my feet again



LoVe~
MzP<3

*HappySlip is a username on Youtube, by Christine Gambito who does comedic videos, which I am truly addicted to.

Mile In These Shoes

I don't expect to hear from you or see you in a very VERY long time.

So. The explanation.

This guy I've been with, this guy I loved so much has this rule. I'm never allowed to go out clubbing. I'm forbidden. He hates it. The rule is, I can only go out clubbing when he's around. When he comes with me. This is one big rule.

For me to out clubbing is a total fault in his eyes. Even if I go out with all girls. Once when we were fighting about things we like to do, I said I like clubbing why can't I do it? And he said, "Tak boleh ke buat something berfaedah?"

One thing, I don't drink. I don't go out clubbing to get drunk. Or to make a fool of myself. I go to meet my friends, to dance, have a good time. Despite knowing I don't drink, he still controls me in that way.

So the rule is I can only go with him, right? When he is around, whenever my friends ask me to go out with them I ask him, and his answers are always, "No." It's always about how he's not in the mood. About how he prefers spending time with me at home. About how that part of his life is 'over' and he doesn't have fun doing it anymore.

It fucking annoys me everytime, that he thinks he's soooo self-righteous by not going clubbing.

The times we do end up going, which is very few, by the way, we would go back early. Too early. Eventhough I begged him to stay for a little while longer. But if he wants to go home, I have to go too, because I can't be there alone. So usually, we'll end up home before 1am. Before midnight, most nights. And I would spend the next day listening to my friends talk about how good it was after I left.

This came up in our fights a few times. About how I can't go without him, and with him, he won't even let me enjoy as long as I want.

So there is also another rule between us: the rule of when the circumstances warrant a breakup, or if one us asks for a breakup, we will wait 24 hours before we do something the other don't like. Like, say, make out with someone else. His rule, not mine, because he is such a jerk that if we breakup, he can't see me with another guy, but his ego is too high to ask for me back.

He would do something like walk away from me, but still act like I'm his possession. Calling me a slut if I rebound or try to get over him too fast. Even more than 24 hours after a breakup.

So last weekend right, it was during our uni break. He made a promise to finally bring me somewhere on this break. He promised to bring me to La Perouse for the sunset. I was so excited about it, because other than just spending time together in the sunset, it was supposed to be the time where we officially get together.

So because of how busy we were last week, the only day we could go was on Friday. So we planned it. We planned it the whole week. I was so looking forward to it. So excited that we were finally going somewhere together. Just the two of us.

Then suddenly, change of plans. His sister got upset with him because he didn't spend time with her and visit her in Newcastle. So I said, you know what? Why don't you go to Newcastle and see your sister. We can do the La Perouse thing another day.

So yes, I sacrificed our one holiday in a LOOOOOONG time. Our one thing.

So he went to Newcastle. His first day there, we had a fight. Fight, which was small, and became bigger and bigger. Until we stopped talking to each other.

So the next day I had a meeting for my society, far away. Suddenly I received his SMS, saying he'll see me tonight, and telling me the time he'll be reaching Sydney.

Well, we were still fighting, and I was pissed off that he didn't call me at all the previous day, and then started SMSing me like everything was normal. In the midst of our text argument, he let it slip that he came back at 2am the night before.

Then he called. I picked up.

I asked, " You came back at 2? Did you go out clubbing?"

He said, "Yes."

I stopped talking to him since.






















So.

Today, he came to see me. Wanting me back. Apologising for the things he said.

But when the clubbing thing came up? He didn't think he did anything wrong. He said, he didn't do anything wrong at first, and that it's alright to go out clubbing. Then I repeated all the things he said to me about clubbing.

Then when I said he never let me, he said it's only because I'm a girl. Only because guys will come up to me and hit on me. So it's a double standard. It's alright for him to go but it's not alright for ME, apparently. I'm his doll.

I never realise that this relationship is pure bullshit until now.

Until now he won't apologize. Until now he says he doesn't know why I'm so pissed off.

But he wants me back. Without apologising.







Like I said, this explanation is the end of it. Be in my shoes and tell me what you would feel if this were you.

It's time to end it right?

If you still haven't realized it by now, my love for him is clouding my judgment. So please, tell me.

I dare you to walk a mile in my shoes

LoVe~
MzP<3>

One Last Song

Well, turns out an explanation is imminent. But once I start explaining to the WORLD exactly how i feel, it is my way of letting it go fully, once and for all.

I know it is coming. I will explain and reveal everything I feel on MY side... soon.

I was just hoping for once, someone would surprise me in a good way. But I guess there's no room for good surprises here, huh?

So the tears finally came. And for the next two days, I know, that's all that would happen. Letting it go. Crying.

I wonder how he could, even ONCE, doubt my love. After everything. After time. But I guess it's not in him to see anyone else as a 'victim' other than himself.

I will explain. Everything.

Like what really happened. Like what I really felt. And after that, it is irrevocably over. Beyond words. And I will move on.

"You think I am not strong enough to let you go? Watch me." Applies to me too, you know.

So here I am, waiting. If even after this, you still don't think I love you as much as I possibly could ever love someone, than I don't know what to say.

Except bye...

And if you need me, you'd kiss me
Then tell me how you feel
And if you want me, you'd show me
That your love is for real
And if you love me
You'd hold me in your arms where I belong
So while I'm feeling strong
I sing you one last song.


LoVe~
MzP<3

p.s. I'm not going to call, because I know and you know it's your fault - you did something really unacceptable. And I'm not going to pick up because I deserve more than that, after what you've done. Let's not pretend you have no clue what you did wrong. Remember the last thing you said to me?

To *

If you really want me, you know what to do.
(And I expect more than a phone call)

If you don't, I prefer not to hear from you or see you for a long time. As long as it takes.

LoVe~
MzP<3

p.p.s. To the rest of you, if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll explain later. Only if there is an explanation needed. If not, this post doesn't exist.