I Gotta Get Through This

Now I know why I've been pretty cynical lately.

Hard to imagine anyone going through life and not end up cynical. Life turns you cynical one way or another. And usually very much so.

I had this theory I developed a few years back. Basically, the theory is: If a lot of good things happen to you, something really bad is just waiting to happen.

Usually, when I tell people this, they shoot it down, saying it's nonsense. Which is why I've never really given it much thought.

But the more I've gone through, the more I know it's true.

Whenever I have a bit too much fun, I can almost expect the turmoil that will surely come next. It's pretty sure.

And all this, because I just had one of the best weekend holiday ever. It was really good. Rented a huge house in Gerringong. Went to Jamberoo water park. 9 of us altogether. Fun fun fun. Serious fun.

And today I got back home. And, that's right, one by one things start to go wrong. And that was just a few hours ago.

This is it. I would say, and I could say, never in my life has so much stuff go wrong in, what, 3 hours? So much has gone wrong that I couldn't even cry even if I wanted to. I'm just in a daze. Like, in the disbelieving, denial state. Like, it's not even registering in my mind.

Worse, I'm alone now.

Even worse, he's not that far away.

Even more worse, tomorrow is our 6 months. And he still won't be here.

Even much more worse than that? No one knows the real thing. And keeping it to ourselves is killing me so much.

And all that is despite what happened to me today.

Lets just say, when it hits me, depression will take over. And I won't even see a reason anymore. A reason to live, right. A reason to be here. Everything that truly truly matters to me is destroyed. That really truly matters. And if there really is another reason to push through, please tell me so I can see it. Gotta get through this.

It's a punishment, I know. I just wish the punishment could come some other way, some other day. Because punishing is one thing. Taking away things that really matters, is very much another. What is the lesson learned from that? Seriously.

Help me to see because I'm just about blind to everything else right now.


LoVe~
MzP<3