Say (What You Need to Say)

We were engaged.

I'm not the bad one. Probably the stupid one. But not bad.




What would I give to turn back time. I would've done it differently. I would've known you better.

I only asked for all those things because I thought I had the right.

Never have I done it to destroy you.

Wake up, and take the responsibilities like the man I believed you are. Do the right thing. Please.



LoVe~
MzP<3>

Wouldn't It Be Nice

Happy 6 months, baby!!! I love you.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice



LoVe~
MzP<3>

I Gotta Get Through This

Now I know why I've been pretty cynical lately.

Hard to imagine anyone going through life and not end up cynical. Life turns you cynical one way or another. And usually very much so.

I had this theory I developed a few years back. Basically, the theory is: If a lot of good things happen to you, something really bad is just waiting to happen.

Usually, when I tell people this, they shoot it down, saying it's nonsense. Which is why I've never really given it much thought.

But the more I've gone through, the more I know it's true.

Whenever I have a bit too much fun, I can almost expect the turmoil that will surely come next. It's pretty sure.

And all this, because I just had one of the best weekend holiday ever. It was really good. Rented a huge house in Gerringong. Went to Jamberoo water park. 9 of us altogether. Fun fun fun. Serious fun.

And today I got back home. And, that's right, one by one things start to go wrong. And that was just a few hours ago.

This is it. I would say, and I could say, never in my life has so much stuff go wrong in, what, 3 hours? So much has gone wrong that I couldn't even cry even if I wanted to. I'm just in a daze. Like, in the disbelieving, denial state. Like, it's not even registering in my mind.

Worse, I'm alone now.

Even worse, he's not that far away.

Even more worse, tomorrow is our 6 months. And he still won't be here.

Even much more worse than that? No one knows the real thing. And keeping it to ourselves is killing me so much.

And all that is despite what happened to me today.

Lets just say, when it hits me, depression will take over. And I won't even see a reason anymore. A reason to live, right. A reason to be here. Everything that truly truly matters to me is destroyed. That really truly matters. And if there really is another reason to push through, please tell me so I can see it. Gotta get through this.

It's a punishment, I know. I just wish the punishment could come some other way, some other day. Because punishing is one thing. Taking away things that really matters, is very much another. What is the lesson learned from that? Seriously.

Help me to see because I'm just about blind to everything else right now.


LoVe~
MzP<3

Should I Stay... Or Should I Go?

Right now, I think emotions will take me along wherever it needs to go.

I've been happy since that plane landed, sure.

But something is missing isn't it? I want more than this. I need more than this.

I'm not happy anymore.

Why? Realisation dawns that nothing has changed. You're still missing from my life. I'm just present in yours. That's all.

What have I done? I've just made it permanent. In a place where permanence has always been an issue for me.

And you've been found wanting.

Damn. Fuck me. Or rather, don't fuck me. Whatever.

I'd better stop now before the bitterness seeps under your skin too.

I'll just stop bitching about it in my blog and call it off when it gets too much. Oh it will, trust me. Patience is wearing off. Hanging by a thread.

Oh it's still hanging. Only because we have more. More.

And for once, I'm thinking, I want to hold on to this.


LoVe~
MzP<3

Two For My Seconds

Stealing a few minutes.

My boyfriend is back. So yeah, as you can imagine, I've been busy busy busy. And happy happy happy as well.

Which explains the lack of updates.

And don't expect anything much in a while. Hehe.

Gotta go now. Get back to my life.


LoVe~
MzP<3

Just Dance

My house, my humble house fill with nerds and religious people, has officially changed its status as of tonight.

So it's official. My house, 77, is a party house now.

In fact, a raging party will be on soon. Tonight.

And we're talking caseloads of beer. No, make that truckloads.

Do you what this means? Things are changing. A party house means:

Less studying
More noise
More strangers in the house
Beer bottles everywhere
Total mess
More men (in an all girls house)
Crazy weekends
Dealing with drunk people
Cleaning up the mess
People drinking(and I don't!)
People offering me a drink (Oh shit)
Drink spills
Beer smell everywhere
Decreasing moods to study
Less peace at home

So I might not be too happy with this. But. Let's look at the bright side. Party house also means:

Less studying housemates making me feel guilty
Getting to know more people
Don't have to go out Saturday night
More music
Excuse to sleep late
FOOD!!!
Having fun
Getting to know the OZ culture
Knowing more OZ people
New experiences
Famous house
Won't be bored
More people to talk to (or at least party with)
More men (well, all girls all the time can get old)
Something to do if I can't sleep
Don't have to go out to have fun

and

I won't be the worse in the house (finally)

Well, there are pros and cons. And the cons are more convincing than the pros I guess.

And to think I used to be the partier in the house. Oh well.

At least if all goes wrong, I'd have stories to tell years to come. And that's something, huh?

And you know the famous saying goes, "If you can't beat them, join them."

And Lady Gaga says, "It's gonna be OK. Just dance."


LoVe~
MzP<3

Flightless Bird, American Mouth

Let me share this one song lyrics that I just find... creative. No, don't ask me what it means.

I was a quick wet boy, diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

Have I found you
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, american mouth
Big pill looming

Now I'm a fat house cat
Nursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures thrown in the cold
And clean blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding or lost you, american mouth
Big pill stuck going down

Well, I don't really know what attracted me to this song or the lyrics. But it's worth a mention.

Big pill looming. Big pill stuck going down.


LoVe~
MzP<3>

Hot in Herre

OMG, did you hear about the coming heat wave in NSW?

Apparently this weekend, some parts of NSW will be some of the hottest places on earth. Imagine 44 degrees. Imagine me melting!

HELP!!!!

Be absolutely glad you're anywhere else but here.


So yes, tomorrow and Sunday, I have a feeling I'll be spending my day in malls. Cool air. Movies. Getting out of the heat. Or if not I'd be in the hospital. Seriously, people get seriously ill in this kind of heat. Look at the bright side, at least hospitals have air conditioning right?

I tell you, I can't imagine the prospects of 35 degrees. So...

At 38 degrees, I'm prepared to install air conditioning in my room, even if it means using all my money. And then some.

At 40 degrees, it's enough to make me crazy enough to buy the first plane ticket out of here. Even if I'm going to have to owe the bank. With 50% interest (seriously!). Preferably halfway around the world (I hear New York is unbearably cold right now).

At 44 degrees?

Umm...

Let's see...

At that point, let me tell you, our bodies' enzymes would be denatured. And since enzymes are such important catalysts,

We can't digest food.

We can't replicate our DNA and build new cells.

We can't think.

And the potential for serious dehydration is at its highest point. You lose litres of water from your body per hour.

And at that point, if ever it reaches that point, I don't think you'd find me functioning anymore. Like, literally.

Like, seriously.

And to add to that, the high temperature is a total fire hazard. Fire departments are on high alert. Helicopters are prepared to take off in 15 mins at a moment's notice. The country's firemen are at work, just waiting.

Even today, Lane Cove is on fire. Lane Cove!!! Like, 10 minutes away!!!

Oh no.

I never thought I'd ever miss Malaysia's heat. That would be like living in a refrigerator compared to Sydney right now.

The news actually advised us to go to malls. Or watch movies. Hypocrites. Makes you wonder if the government is just doing this on purpose to improve the country's economy. I mean, look at the lengths Kevin Rudd is willing to take. I wonder if increasing the temperature is really not in the government's power at this point. It certainly seems 'convenient'. Hehe.



Wish me luck! And please pray that I'm going to survive this weekend. Just this one weekend. And that I won't explode or implode in the heat.

Oh how I wish I never told the rain to go away when I was younger. Or told Mr. Golden Sun to shine down on me. Do me a favour and don't teach those songs to your kids. They'll thank you one day.



LoVe~
MzP<3

p.s. Speaking of songs. From the last blog onwards, I'm going to put in song titles as my blog titles. For fun. Enjoy! Or even request a song title if you want. I'll try to write something about it... Whatever it is.

More Than a Woman

I watched Revolutionary Road today.

I'd like to say it was a good movie. But in a scarily not good way. I mean, to me, it's one of those movies that (to say 'touch; is putting it mildly) hits you. Right in the face. Right in the guts. I mean hit me. Me.

OKOK, I should warn you about spoilers here. Don't read further if you don't want to know what happened in the movie.

I am so alike her in the movie. In all her craziness. And I guess we all have it in us.

Why does it scare me so much though? Because while watching the movie, I realise that I'm actually looking at my future. Yes. And myself in the future.

Or possibly, one of the futures I would most probably end up with. Kids, cheating husband, unrealised dreams, wanting a change, and cheating on my husband with the next available guy. Umm... And being incredibly damaged in the process. Damaged enough to end up doing something irreversible.

Then suddenly I know. That is not what I'm going to end up to be. Living for a husband that just couldn't keep his mouth shut long enough to listen to my side of the story. Giving up everything for him. To end up being disappointed one more time. Being hurt.

I won't end up like her.

Instead I'd end up happier.

And above all, I wouldn't marry someone like that. Never. Because I know I'll end up exactly where she ended up in the end.

End of spoiler.

The movie hit home so hard, I was crying after I got out. After, not during.

I think most of all, is the realisation that I almost, almost, ended up like that. Almost. Really close.

On a happier note... Wait for it...

My Exam is FINISHED!!!!

Yayyy!!!

I'm done with Summer School. Done, I tell you. Can you believe it?? Finally!!!

And to make things a hell of alot better, guess what?? My boyfrind is coming back in 6 days. 6 days! OMG, I can't wait! It's like so short and yet so long a time to wait. 6 days!!!!!

It's like tomorrow, and yet feels like years. Finally the wait is almost over. Almost.


I'll just close my eyes and pretend I'm hugging you until you get here, baby.

So so so so so excited. I know I won't be able to sleep until the day comes. Gosh, like I need anymore lack of sleep here! Hehe. But it's all good. Maybe the only problem is his absence. So yea. Who cares if I lose a few more days of sleep? As long as he's coming back.


LoVe~
MzP<3

People We Love

I know in life we have to be thankful for the things we have. Not the things we lost.

But what if the things we lost is our closest and dearest friendships? The things I hold so close to my heart.

It is not the same. Not the same without them. My friends. The closest ones. I need them. I need to be surrounded by them.

I have lots of friends here, sure. But not the real close ones. The ones that you just can feel their sincerity of being with you, when they're around. Not just a 'I'm doing this because I'm nice' thing. I want more of those. More, please. I would give up almost everything else just to be surrounded with these friends 24/7. There is just no better feeling.

Watched Into The Wild? Even he said that happiness is nothing if you're alone. That is so true. So true. And this from a guy who seeks truth in his life. Just truth. (Julie, you're right about this movie, it's inspiring)

See, each and everyone of my close friends are different. Just so different. And no one could replace each one of them, nor would I want anyone to. I just wonder if they found a replacement for me... Sometimes.

My idea of heaven is being surrounded by them all. By the people I love so much. And who love me back. I don't care where we are, or what we do. As long as we have each other, it's alright.

And if heaven were not that. Then I'd be disappointed. Because what's the point of all the riches in the world without those whom we hold dear? Without other people, we're nobody. And without the people we love, we're half the person we could be.

I know I am.


LoVe~
MzP<3

Losing It

Exam coming up. Woohoo. Woot. What What.

(OK, clearly, I'm losing my mind.)

So today, in anticipation of exams, guess what I did. No, not study, guess again. Bake cupcakes! The thing is, the cupcakes baking thing was a total disaster. 1st batch - bad. 2nd batch- bad. 3rd and 4th batch - just BAD. When I finally gave up baking, and my housemate saying that perhaps I lost my 'touch', I finally realised what was wrong. The whole time. I haven't lost my 'touch'. I forgot to put one important ingredient: EGGS!!!

I'll explain something. Baking is my thing. My thing. It is really the thing I turn to when all else fails. When I'm depressed. When I have no motivation to study. When the world just seem wrong. Then, a nice tray of cupcakes that tastes marvelous, just seem to make everything right again, magically.

And today, it seems my screwed up week is complete. Not only have I screwed up my entire existence, I screwed up cupcakes. Cupcakes! The one thing I just don't screw up, if you've ever tasted my cupcakes.

Oh where the hell is that 'Motivation' paper when I need it??? I sure as hell need some motivation right now. God, I even need motivation to sleep.



Only one reason:

That boyfriend being away. Screwing up everything! Aaarrgghh.

Argh!!!


This is just sad. I can't concentrate on anything. Not even enough to remember to put eggs in my cupcakes! Do you really think I'd remember how to balance Cash Flow Statements? Not a chance. Not a chance in hell.

So what am I to do with this exam? I'm going to get lots and lots of red bull (with bull testicle extracts) and drink them before the exam. Oh do you know the tired, sleepy feeling you sometimes get during an exam? Would totally go away if you need to pee. Trust me. It works.

So wish me luck. Lots and lots and lots of it.


I want chocolate cupcakes!!! With chocolate icing!!!



LoVe~
MzP<3>

Something Missing

Dawn breaks.

Birds are chirping outside.

And I feel like throwing this laptop at those annoying chirping birds, reminding me of my severe insomnia. Who gets insomnia this bad that you just can't sleep until after dawn? Me. Mememe. Eww.

See, I've been having this crazy week. I can't sleep at night. My clothes are all over the place. My stupid alarm doesn't sound, making me miss my lecture. My whole body aches. Courtesy of not warming up before surfing. Lost one side of my contacts. There's still a big spider in my room walking around, threatening to bite my head off. At least one of its eight eyes must be on me even at this very moment. Waiting to strike. But I just can't seem to bring myself to kill it. Too cruel.

The thing is, as a result, my stomach can't decide whether it's full or hungry. I take my pills at screwed up times. I would sleep any other time than at night. Getting carpal tunnel from playing the computer too much. Food doesn't seem appealing. And my ears and nose hurts from supporting my big heavy glasses.

Oh, and I'm near broke. And it's the beginning of the month!

And I miss my baby!!! That is, I think, an indirect cause for all this craziness. And I was all like, "It's your fault!" And he's all like, "I know, baby. I know. I'm sorry." Which, made me miss him more. (Really, it kinda turns you on, doesn't it, when your BF takes the blame for your screwed up life)

Everything reminds me of him. Hummers and Woolies and X-Trails and shavers and phones and the red pillow and protein shakes and lectures and kisses and chocolate with nuts and ice cream and pancakes and Snickers and the sunrise and hugs and Bryan Adams and Troy and cinemas and Gungho and Wollongong and trains and Street Machine and my black dress and the flip flop and songs and Ivy and the Sydney Opera House..... and the list goes on and on.

Then I'd end up looking at pictures. Let me put one here. One that I've never posted anywhere else before.
Our first night together. It was this night he became my boyfriend.

Pic taken in his car, on the way out with friends. Delafrance, I think. He didn't even notice I took the picture.

Wow. I love you, sayang.


LoVe~
MzP<3>