Addictive

Gosh. I am falling.

Never had an addictive personality before. Well, never had the drive to even be addicted to anything before.

But now I'm developing one. An addictive personality. It feels like I need to be addicted to something, if not I fall apart. Piece by piece.

So in a way, I'm addicted to addiction. Weird. Weirdly inappropriate.

Right now, the feeling in the back of my throat, it's coffee. The aroma. The taste. The satisfaction. It's getting me weak. Right now I can imagine the feel of it. Taking a sip. Knowing the satisfaction.

But the thing about addiction is, it's not what it's wrapped up to be. When you crave something you're addicted to, you want it so badly. You'd do a lot for it. But when you get it, it's never the satisfaction you desire. It never is enough. It's the difference between thinking about smoking and actually having a cigarette between your lips. Smokers know that when they don't get it, they crave for it. But when they do, it doesn't seem to be all it promised to be.

What addicts do is chase. They chase the feeling of that satisfaction. That feeling they can imagine so well. The ones that are not real.

Because the truth is, the feeling will never come again. It'll never be as good as the first or second time. That is just at the back of your head. You just chase it. And keep on chasing. And you know you're fucked when one day it's gone. And you find you can't live without it.

So what am I doing? Chasing.

Even amidst this happiness, amidst this good times, I couldn't help but think, "What if?" So what if I won't ever get this feeling I'm chasing anymore? What if it's gone forever? What if it's just in the back of my head? But then again, I know I can't live without it.

There are times when you know you should go. When you know you should leave it all behind. But then you crave for it again. The lure is inescapable, undeniable. Then for a split second it's in your grasp. For a split second you chase it, anticipating your next 'fix'. But when you're done, You wonder why the hell you did it again. Why? It isn't any different. You don't feel better off. You just feel the incoming dread. The dread of wanting, and then needing. The dread of chasing. The dread of the vulnerability you have towards it. Then just the needing. So then the cycle repeats itself, slowly killing you in the process.

Yes, I understand addiction well. I understand the chase, the frustration, the disappointment.

I'm still fighting it.

But what if the day comes when there is no will left in me to fight anymore? When I let it consume me?

But what if something feels like an addiction but it's not? But then again, what if something doesn't feel like an addiction but it is?




But then again, there's no real harm in being addicted to coffee, is there?


LoVe~
MzP<3>