Something to Stress About

I was walking back home when the tears finally came.

I am not the best daughter, or the most perfect, but I am great and I know that.

Don't I deserve the chance to make mistakes once in awhile?

Don't I deserve to be trusted at all?

I know my mother just thinks the worst of this situation. In reality, it's not that bad. Things just look bad. But in reality, it is not that bad. She's just overreacting.

Don't tell me I have to be the bigger person again.

It was just a few months ago when she asked me if I drink. I was very very offended. How could she even think like that of me? I don't even smoke. I never tasted even a single sip of alcohol in my life. Ever. Is that so hard to believe?

I have been good. Yes, I have a boyfriend now, and it might not be who she wants it to be. It's Ramadhan now for God's sake. I have a respect for Ramadhan too. I do have virtues.

There are things happening around my mum that's worse than me and what I'm doing. There always are. But I've never brought down someone else to bring myself up. That would be dead selfish. And I still wouldn't do that now. I wouldn't do that to her. She deserves to trust everyone else while she still can. Eventhough I'm not one of them anymore.

I have not been spending every single second with my boyfriend. I have not abandoned my studies for him. I have not skipped class to spend time with him. I have not gone to the city every week just to see him. I have not use someone else's name to hide that I'm spending time with him.

Virtually, I have done nothing wrong. Everyone else has boyfriends here. But their parents never made a fuss about that. Their parents know, at our age, that is what's natural. It won't be natural if I don't have a boyfriend.

Again, I can't see what's the big deal. Why can't we have a discussion about this like the adults that we are. Instead of my mum saying that I think I'm old enough to not take her advice anymore. I don't think that way. But I do think I'm old enough to make my own decisions. Her advice is always considered. Always.

I'm still sick now. She didn't even ask.

And then there's the problem with my housemates. I don't even want to get started on that. I wish sometimes they would just mind their own business and stay out of it. But I kind of understand, and trying not to hold it against them. They're just human after all. And what's not human nature to succumb to betrayal one or twice, intentionally or otherwise. What's not human nature to choose sides, right? So I don't really blame them.

Anyway. How do you show someone things are not as bad as they think it is when they are thousands of miles away? Pictures always betray the real thing. Like, I use to think my best friend is having more fun than she actually is. Because she has so many photos of her and her friends, which makes me feel like an outsider sometimes. But really, her life is just the same. I mean, just because she doesn't put pictures of herself doing boring mundane stuff, it doesn't actually mean she's not doing it, right? I hope my mum realises that. If I don't put pictures of me studying and going to class and staying in my room doing nothing, it doesn't actually mean I'm not doing them. It just looks like I'm having too much fun. I'm really just leading a normal life. She's just not here to see it firsthand.

I haven't change. Being in a different country hasn't changed me. I might have different views and know a little bit more than I did before. I might be a little bit more exposed than I was before. But I still haven't changed. I still know what's right and what's wrong.

Changing boyfriends doesn't make me any different. I'll still be me.


LoVe~
MzP<3