I'm Only Happy When It Rains

So, how do you like my new blog?

Pretty dark huh?

I guess this is partly Xuxa's doing. But not all Xuxa though. If I let it be all Xuxa, the page will be filled with vampires. And not the sparkly Edward Cullen kind either. We're talking vicious vampires with blood dripping on their fangs, and torn gothic dresses. Yes, I can be that dark.

But lately I realised I've let Xuxa out again. I've been listening to angry songs. And metal songs actually seem enjoyable. This coming from someone who had migraines listening to them before. I've also taken a liking to Garbage songs. I can't believe I've never liked them before. Hmm...


Yeah, I would say I need the toughness alot more now. Maybe it's just one more of the phases of growing up. Maybe I'm growing up. In fact what I wouldn't give to redecorate my room black and red right now. How awesome would that be?

(OK, I'm actually worried about myself right now. I love pink!)

Interesting. I can't remember the last time I am more Xuxa than me. It kind of scares me. Because I'm ruthless as Xuxa.

As Herman Hesse said:
 "You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation... and that is called loving. Well then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else."



I guess embracing Xuxa in my time of plight is my way of loving my suffering. For only when I suffer I could fully be the other side of me, the darker part.




And these are the times I'll be needing it most.


Tomorrow I'm going to visit my old school, KYS. I'm seriously torn. Part of me wants to, out of curiosity, and mild obligation. Part of me is dreading it. Perhaps more than I am willing to admit. Those weren't the best years of my life, as you would have guessed. Yeah, I wasn't one of the girls who peaked in high school. I was one of those who can't wait to get out. And I'm glad I did too. Look how awesome my life is right now? Haha. I'm just being annoying. My life is pretty awesome, but still not void of suffering.


But then again, I'm a little girl who likes pink. Probably grew up with unicorns and rainbows. And parents who spoil me rotten. What do I know of suffering?


Haha. That's a secret I will NEVER tell. After all, the trick about life is to make it look easy.

I only smile in the dark

My only comfort is the night gone black

I didn't accidentally tell you that

I'm only happy when it rains

You'll get the message by the time I'm through

LoVe~

MzP<3

That's what Girls Do

You know what's the problem with men? They have to understand everything.

Listen, there are some things we don't have to understand. Some things we don't even have to know. That's life. We all know that. We don't fully understand life after death, for example, but we believe it's there.


My point is, STOP trying to understand women!!

I mean seriously, what is there to understand? A woman is a person. You need to know one individually.

Until now I don't get some men who goes: I have lived years and I still don't know what women want.

Well, of course you don't know. That's just stupid. I mean, have you asked yourself what men want? Women don't ask that question in the first place. So we don't have 'unanswered' questions about men in general.

It's just plain stupid to me.





If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the beginning of our menstrual cycle when the female hormone is at its lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that, in those few days, women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? – Gloria Steinem


Well we're not so different, women and men. But individually, one woman differs to another as much as a man differs to a woman. So yeah. Stop figuring us out as a GROUP, and do it individually instead.


Men. (Hahahahahaha. I'm just trying to prove a point here. Hehe)



Well, if you still want to group us, stop trying to figure it out. Just accept everything we do as, That's what girls do. Hehe.

You ask me why I change the colour of my hair

You ask me why I need 32 pairs of shoes to wear

You seem to ask me why I got alot of things

It's just a chick thing

You oughta let it go

LoVe~

MzP<3 

New Divide

Let me speak my mind for abit.

I hate this. Being back n Malaysia. Yes, I know I don't sound very patriotic right now. But being here is not fun. I'm not learning anything. And it's not very healthy either.

I know I don't have that many friends here. But even so, I thought I had some. Where are you guys? Too busy? Or just can't be bothered?

I'm so sick of initiating contact. I'm so sick of asking people out when they never do (ask me out). I mean, am I missing something here? Is this the way of life here? Or is it just that I'm not part of their lives enough for them to bother?

I hang out abit sometimes, but with my Sydney friends! What's the point of me coming back to Malaysia then? I would accomplish wayyyyy more in Sydney. In terms of a JOB, friends, company, and also productivity! AND I'll eat healthier. And I could have dates without my dad questioning everything. I would be at least 3kg thinner. And did I mention I have so much more friends?

And you wonder why I'm not dying to go back to Malaysia after I graduate.

Here, my spontaneity is sucked dry. I can't just call someone and meet them somewhere in 15 mins. I can't just wake up and decide I'm going to the beach today. I can't just go to the UBar knowing I will meet someone, anyone, there. And I sure as hell can't just talk to random strangers. First, they'll think I'm crazy. Second, my parents NEVER let me go out alone. Like, EVER. NEVER EVER. If I tell them I wanna go out to drink coffee, they'll make a HUGE deal out of it. "Wait, you're going ALONE??" or "Who are you going with?" or "Your father is going that way, why don't you go with him?" Like hello???? Nooooooo thank you.

Helloooo, it's just coffee! I'm pretty sure I won't end up in an alley with some psycho killer who just escaped from prison. Or run away to elope in Thailand. There's no hidden, dark alley in my area anyway. And I don't have a boyfriend, let alone a prospective husband. They watch too much TV sometimes.

And guys asking me out on dates? None of that. And the worst part is, I just realised a few days ago that I'll be here for Valentine's Day. How awesome is that? (That was sarcasm btw, if you still don't get my intended inflection)

Well excuse me while I get killed softly.





But honestly, today, I have a reason to miss Malaysia. More specifically, a person. A person who reminds me who I am. A person never too busy to spend time with me. A rare person who is here.

Maybe Malaysia might not be so bad after all. And yes, I'm going to miss the whole country because of him. Thank God there's someone like him. If not, you guys should be ashamed of yourselves. Malaysians. *Scoff*

So give me a reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect this space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide

Basically, prove me wrong about this difference between my two worlds. And give me a reason to believe that it is all not that different, and to let me find the connection between them. And let that reason be enough to find my purpose here. Give me a reason to come back, across this new divide.



LoVe~
MzP<3

The Resolution

When the new year came around, I did have a few resolutions. And this time, I will stick to them.

My resolutions this year, summed up, is basically to continue all the good things I did last year, and to stop all the bad things.


I will try to date a guy that my mom approves of. Which is hard, and almost impossible, but I will try really hard.

I will continue to resist alcohol. I will not drink. I will not taste it. And I will not be convinced by my friends to have some.

I will study. Extremely hard to do, but I will. From week 1.

I will get a job. Something good, since it's my last year in uni, I can get something pretty good. I hope.

(This resolution is not written here because it's private and personal, but don't worry, it's something good. And Dee, don't laugh!!!)

I will organize a big reunion. Honestly, I have no idea how I'm going to do this, but I am.

I'm going to lose at least 3 kg, and maintain that weight! Which means, continue exercising. And go on healthy diets. No more crash diets.

I'm going to continue being a vegetarian. Super challenging, but obtainable. (I will not be a vegetarian if it results in wastage, since I'm doing it for the environment anyway)

I'm going to party less. I'm not 21 anymore. Got to be more responsible.



See? Awesome. Lots of stuff I'm going to ensure will happen in 2010. I'm so proud of myself.

And now that I've published it for the world to see, I can't back out!!! So wish me truckloads of luck. And hope that I will go through whats going to be a tough year.

Tomorrow back from hell
Resolution
Some stories I will never tell
Resolution
And yeah, I'm almost home

LoVe~
MzP<3

Through the Rain

Two weeks into the year, and everything is going wrong. Everything I know is falling apart. Everything that was so beautiful in the last year is now falling apart, crumbling in my wake. And I'm standing, just a spectator, watching but not able to do anything about it.

It's my birthday today, did you know?

I feel like I've been sucked through a large hole, dark enough and black enough that nothing could be seen, and nothing is within reach.

It would be usual for me to know feelings like this don't last. It's just a blip of darkness against a canvas of overwhelming beauty, which in a way, needs to be there to complete the picture.

But I also know there holes so deep to fall in that you will never get out again, in darkness, where light is just a memory held so dear by the thought alone. With a hope that fades away with every creeping day.

In a way, I feel I have fallen. And I don't know if I'm getting out. But it is a deep hole. Engrossing me with darkness.


But then maybe I'm just walking through the rain. Heavy enough to obscure my vision, enveloping the sight of all good things that surround me, and all good things to come. Maybe the rain will stop. Maybe I'll see everything clearly again.

The rain will always stop, right? I just have to be strong enough to endure it, to go through it.

I can make it through the rain,
I can stand up once again,
On my own and I know,
That I'm strong enough to mend.

And every time I feel afraid,
I hold tighter to my faith,
And I live one more day,
And I'll make through the rain.

But being a troubled person, I know very well what is happening. I'm having some kind of anxiety problem right now. I'm extremely anxious. I can't sit still the whole day. I can't sleep. I can't seem to clear my head of the fact that something bad may happen. My heart is racing, I have a problem concentrating in anything I do, I've been fidgeting non-stop. It feels bad.


But I'm on MSN with Julie right now. And if there is one person in this world who could make me feel better, it's her. No one understands me as much as she does. And I love her for it.



So wish me luck to make it through the rain one more time.


LoVe~
MzP<3

Non Dairy Creamer

I have this thing. This little problem, right, where I always try to see the best in people.

No, it does not mean I trust easily. (And I really don't). It's just that, you know, when you grow up and you meet more people, and after a while you stumble across a personality type that's proved problematic before, when other people would write him/her off, I'd usually be the one who'd believe that he/she could work that personality positively.

I used to refuse to believe that there are truly bad people in this world. I mean, who in their right mind would deliberately hurt someone or something? Who in their right mind would do something bad without his/her own reasons? After all, the world is not black & white.

But then, of course I'm wrong. There are people who would hurt others deliberately. There are others who thrive on being so wrong. (I would love to get in their head sometime and know how they became so screwed up). But these people are rare enough. Rare enough that I know I can still trust every new person I meet to be good. (But yet, still not trust them completely)



And then there are lies. I know very well about lies. I receive them alot. I give them out sometimes. Lies are so abundant out there, it's everywhere. We know our parents lie to us about their past, our teachers lie to us about their present, and our politicians lie to us about the future.

But the abundance of lies does not mean the truth does not exist. It always does. There is such a thing as truth. We do have to work to find it, but it's there. Always.

And yes I always assume people always seek the truth.


This is what I'm getting at. There are people. These people, a very rare few, who are infused with lies. These are the people I understand very little of. I just don't know why they lie, and lie. I just don't have any clue as to what's in their head, that prompts them to lie all the time.

And in my opinion these people are one of the worst. They have the worst personality types.

Admit it, there are no movies about them, no proper stories told of them. I don't think people really see it as a serious problem. I mean, I'm not talking about the Schizo. I'm talking about healthy, sane people.

What I don't get is, do they actually see their life that way? Do they actually believe what they talk about? Are they that delusional? Or do they deliberately lie to make themselves look and sound better? And if so, don't they realise people are not stupid? They know.

You know these people, you would probably come across at least one of them. The one who claims they have many friends, when they don't. The one who claims alot of guys/girls like him/her and stalk him/her when it's the other way around. The one who would tell bad stories to you about other people so that you won't like them and like him/her instead. The one who tells you they get a D average when he/she is a P average. The one who keeps describing their 'amazing' house to make them look rich, when their house is just average.

And no, I'm not talking about a person who lies about one of these things, but a person who lies about all of them. Like, they create their lives for other people to see, but they live very different lives. Don't they know people will find out eventually? Don't they know it doesn't make them look or sound cool, just a liar? I mean, what are their aims exactly? To be the envy of others? I don't see it. It just doesn't make sense to me.

And being surrounded by lies all the time, I should know, the best lies are the ones given out sparingly. The ones that are so rare that people won't see them coming.

Take poker for instance. Bluff sparingly, and people won't see it coming.

So what's it gonna be?
Are you real to me?
Or are you non dairy creamer.

LoVe~
MzP<3