Tragedies and Life

Let me tell you a story today. A few days ago a tragedy occurred so I want to tell you. But first let's start at the beginning.

When I was 11, I was transferred from a private school to a normal public school. So I was in primary 5 in a new school where I didn't know anyone. There was a guy (well, begins the tragedy in life). A year older than me, and I had a crush on him. Well, being so young, you'd guess it's one of those phrases I'm going through. Maybe it was.

I was infatuated by him for two whole years. We never talked and he never noticed my existance. Well, to put it simple, he was Mr. Popular. Everyone knows him. Every student, every parent, every teacher. i don't think he realised all of it though. But then who wouldn't have a crush on a guy like him.

When I was in primary 6 I found out he had a girlfriend. Even if he hadn't he still won't notice me. I still had a crush on him eventhough I only saw him, like twice the whole year.

When I turned 13, I went into boarding school and entered another phase of my life where I soon got over him and stopped thinking about him. So life went on. I really did believe that the crush was really a phase.

Then I turned 16. I met him back. That time, I had a boyfriend(actually, my boyfriend was a friend of his). I saw him, and I know very well he didn't recognise me at all. He was still with the same girl. I only saw a glimpse of him when I saw him. Didn't think twice about it that day.

A month or two later I met him again. This time, I was single. Guess what, I was smitten all over again. I realised up close he didn't change that much. Then the crush just reignited. This time, for the first time ever in my life, I had the courage to go up and talk to him. The day I'll never forget. It's true, he didn't recognise me but that's the best part. It's like he just discovered my existence and I bask in that feeling, that ambience. He was also single.

I loved my sudden existence in his life. He even got my number from a friend and contacted me. It's the best feeling in the world because all this while, even if guys paid attention to me, it wasn't from the one I've liked for two whole years.

Our very short thing was found out though and some parties dissapproved. One of the parties is his heart. They sort of got back together after that. Not directly after that, but they started contacting each other again and soon I was pushed out of the way. Understanding life as it is, you've got to know I wasn't angry or terribly dissapointed. I'm happy because it happened in the first place. What's 'it', u ask, well, that he knows I exist. Thats 'it'. Understand that it made me very happy.

Then the real tragedy. A few days ago he got admitted into the hospital because of some really serious thing. I went and I saw. Then I realised something. Eventhough he's not really in my life and I'm not really in his, I know I just can't live without him. He could be with someone else for his whole life but all he has to do is be happy. Then I would live as well. Don't mistake this for love as I don't believe in love no matter how much you try to push me to. I already understood the circumstances. He's just a part of me that I can't let go. Not that way. Don't get me wrong I'd love to be the one next to him but then I'd also be the one that would hurt him if I do. I am capable of hurt, everyone is, but if he's to be hurt let it not be from me.

Maybe you don't understand, he's the perfect figure that stayed in my mind. I didn't write this post to hurt anyone or to declare my love or anything stupid like that. Life is short I know, but I really don't want to lose someone I've worked hard all my life to get noticed by. I certainly don't want to lose a friend of a mind like his. I won't fight for him. I won't take him away from anyone. But don't take him permanently away from me. Just don't.


LoVe~
MzP<3