England just got defeated by Germany 4-1.
Australia just got a new PM. A female PM.
I just got back from Penang.
I would think these are at the top of my list of current happenings at the moment. LOL.
I miss Sydney. The weather, my friends. My life. My people. My place.
I've been single for 7 months now. Wow. Longest time ever! I'm still loving it. Every minute. But why though? I do realise that most people are scared of change. In relationships, even more so. So most single people I know, would remain single. And the people in relationships would continue seeking relationships when one fails. Unless there is a traumatising experience in there somewhere. Then they change.
I wonder why sometimes. I wonder why I'm sooo far removed from relationships these days. I avoid it quite abit. Maybe my last few relationships had a bigger negative impact on my life than I care to admit. Yes, yes, I'm never seen as the victim. But why is it this time, I'm the one who is so scarred that I can't imagine myself in another full on long term relationship?
I do think, if I find the right guy, I would want a relationship with him. But wait, I did crush on someone, and would want a relationship with him, but in every scenario in my head, it has always been of me telling him right from the start that I don't want anything too serious. I just can't do it anymore.
When I think of relationships these days, it's of fights, and insecurity and screaming and pain and depression. While I used to not live without it, I can't imagine myself being in it anymore. I have a tendency of being in abusive relationships too. And come to think of it, eventhough I can remember my early childhood experiences, sometimes in technicolor detail, I do forget most of my years in a relationship. You know, the way your body forget certain pain just because it is too much? Maybe I just sub-consciously push it so far back in my head. Either way, who knows?
No, I do not wnat to be in a relationship now, or in the near future. But if I am, I assure you, it's because I really like that guy. Or maybe even because he's the one. No more dating just anyone. I will be sooo picky on the next person, until I find my Pegasus. And until then, I would enjoy my single life to the limit.
Or maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe it's just because I'm hanging out with Westerners alot more and I'm just absorbed into their culture.
One thing about abusive relationships though. I have seen it, and been in it. It's not pretty. I know what it feels quite well. I do thank God it never got too bad. Bad enough, though. It is painful. not so much physically, but more mentally. I have never been strong enough to leave. Instead I would start a path of self-destruction. I would probably start cheating or something like that. It's my only defense mechanism. Knowing it will hurt him someday when he finds out. Fuck, it's wrong. The most wrong thing to do in a relationship: hurting each other until finally one lets go because they've had enough. I know very well, I should just leave. But seriously, when you love someone so much that you spend most of your time with him, and planned your future with him, and stopped doing anything fun with your friends because he's not there, letting go is hard. What's a few bruises right, comparing to everything both of you has invested? And he's promised to never ever do it again. He cried. He begged. He told you he loves you and will never let you go.
And I'm speaking for all those who are or were in abusive relationships. When he begs and promises yet again, we find that tiny tiny spark of hope that it would be true this time. After all, you've never met a guy who loves you as much as he does. And then there's all that passion. If your fight is that bad, passion is high most probably everywhere else too. And how do we let go of that passion? Beats me. I still have yet to figure it out.
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that’s alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that’s alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
LoVe~
MzP<3
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