I Love The Way You Lie

Hmm...

England just got defeated by Germany 4-1.

Australia just got a new PM. A female PM.

I just got back from Penang.

I would think these are at the top of my list of current happenings at the moment. LOL.

I miss Sydney. The weather, my friends. My life. My people. My place.

I've been single for 7 months now. Wow. Longest time ever! I'm still loving it. Every minute. But why though? I do realise that most people are scared of change. In relationships, even more so. So most single people I know, would remain single. And the people in relationships would continue seeking relationships when one fails. Unless there is a traumatising experience in there somewhere. Then they change.

I wonder why sometimes. I wonder why I'm sooo far removed from relationships these days. I avoid it quite abit. Maybe my last few relationships had a bigger negative impact on my life than I care to admit. Yes, yes, I'm never seen as the victim. But why is it this time, I'm the one who is so scarred that I can't imagine myself in another full on long term relationship?

I do think, if I find the right guy, I would want a relationship with him. But wait, I did crush on someone, and would want a relationship with him, but in every scenario in my head, it has always been of me telling him right from the start that I don't want anything too serious. I just can't do it anymore.

When I think of relationships these days, it's of fights, and insecurity and screaming and pain and depression. While I used to not live without it, I can't imagine myself being in it anymore. I have a tendency of being in abusive relationships too. And come to think of it, eventhough I can remember my early childhood experiences, sometimes in technicolor detail, I do forget most of my years in a relationship. You know, the way your body forget certain pain just because it is too much? Maybe I just sub-consciously push it so far back in my head. Either way, who knows?

No, I do not wnat to be in a relationship now, or in the near future. But if I am, I assure you, it's because I really like that guy. Or maybe even because he's the one. No more dating just anyone. I will be sooo picky on the next person, until I find my Pegasus. And until then, I would enjoy my single life to the limit.

Or maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe it's just because I'm hanging out with Westerners alot more and I'm just absorbed into their culture.

One thing about abusive relationships though. I have seen it, and been in it. It's not pretty. I know what it feels quite well. I do thank God it never got too bad. Bad enough, though. It is painful. not so much physically, but more mentally. I have never been strong enough to leave. Instead I would start a path of self-destruction. I would probably start cheating or something like that. It's my only defense mechanism. Knowing it will hurt him someday when he finds out. Fuck, it's wrong. The most wrong thing to do in a relationship: hurting each other until finally one lets go because they've had enough. I know very well, I should just leave. But seriously, when you love someone so much that you spend most of your time with him, and planned your future with him, and stopped doing anything fun with your friends because he's not there, letting go is hard. What's a few bruises right, comparing to everything both of you has invested? And he's promised to never ever do it again. He cried. He begged. He told you he loves you and will never let you go.

And I'm speaking for all those who are or were in abusive relationships. When he begs and promises yet again, we find that tiny tiny spark of hope that it would be true this time. After all, you've never met a guy who loves you as much as he does. And then there's all that passion. If your fight is that bad, passion is high most probably everywhere else too. And how do we let go of that passion? Beats me. I still have yet to figure it out.

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that’s alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that’s alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie

LoVe~

MzP<3

Until I Find You

I just want my camera back!! 

It's a silver Lumix in a red casing.

I lost it in the Ubar on a Thursday night.

And while I'm writing about cameras,

I would also want my pink Sony Cybershot T2!

I lost it in a taxi in Dubai, way back in December.

And can I please have them with all my pictures back? They kinda mean alot to me.

So if you see anyone around uni using a silver Lumix in a red casing, or if someone is asking you for a Lumix camera battery charger, please please ask them about the camera? Thank you so so so much.

LoVe~

MzP<3

All You Need is Love

It's that time of the semester again.

You know, when the stoners put away their weed.

And the drunkards do not buy more beer.

And the party-ers stay home on Thursday, Friday AND Saturday nights.

Finals.


Honestly, no matter how bad of a reputation you have in uni, or how wild everyone perceive you to be, I'm pretty sure this is the most terrifying part of the semester for you. It's like life halts to a stop. When the nerds become nerdier. And the rest just shake in fear, and wish they were nerds in the first place.

It's the time Gavin does not come out of his room. At all. Not even to go to the gym. O.O

And for me?

I'm the one in denial. While everyone else is in the library the whole day and camping outside at nights (to ensure they get seats in the morning), I'm at home. Sleeping. For some reason, I don't freak out. Nono, not because I'm prepared. (Helloooo, have you seen my partying pics on FB?) And not because it doesn't matter to me either. It's just... I don't know. It's like I have some kind of freedom from worry or something. Which is bad!

Right now, it's almost 5am. I'm not sleeping yet. Because I couldn't sleep, not because I was studying. And it's annoying. My insomnia this past few months has been horrifying. Falling asleep takes forever. And if I fall asleep too easily, it can be guaranteed I'll wake up 2 hours later, not being able to fall back asleep until, say 7am. It's just annoying.

I never study anyway. It's like this thing. My thing. I don't always get away with it. And when I don't, it's just disastrous. But see, I get away with it too many times. Back in boarding school, after I get my results, my friends usually say, "Wow, I never see you study!!"

It's a blessing I guess. And a curse as well. Because I get very much broken when things go wrong as a result of it. So yeah, you might be thinking, wow, if I don't study my results are still alright, I would get amazing results if I DO study. Nope, not the case. You know the saying that goes, you only need 10% of your effort to reach 90%, but you'll need the 90% to reach the next 10%. Or something like that. That's just the thing. I only put 10% in everything. Because 90% is good for me. Hell, it's amazing. LOL. Just kidding.

Actually, I would put it on luck. I am a lucky person, enough said. The little I do remember from classes would get tested in exams. I would win small prizes in scratchies. I would be arranged to sit the same table with my crush at a big formal dinner. My chances to win in a bet are high. Just lucky. Granted, the rain does not stop for me. And there are days when everything goes wrong. But I go through months or years where the good things far outweigh the bad. No, life is not easy, I give you that. I'd say, it is overall, pleasant.

Only one thing though. I cannot do something wrong. Which means that, every single time I do wrong - say, deliberately lie to bring someone down, or maybe steal, or cheat on exams, or just hide something I shouldn't, or not listen to my mom - I would get punished for it, pretty bad. Not that I would do any of the above mentioned anyway. :P

However 2010 has not been one of those exceptionally lucky years. I have to work for my luck abit more. So yeah, I'd better sleep now so I can study tomorrow. Wish me luck!


By the way, San and I signed up to volunteer for Daffodil Day on the 27th of August. We will be in Mac Centre from 9-5 spreading awareness of cancer, and selling stuff you can buy to donate a lil' for the cause. Check it out here: http://www.daffodilday.com.au/ I will see you there!!

There's nothing you can make that can't be made.

No one you can save that can't be saved.

Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you

in time - It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,

All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

LoVe~

MzP<3