Went back to Malaysia last week for Raya, and that was good. So good, sometimes I wish I never have to come back.
I mean what is waiting for me in Sydney, anyway?
Before I went back, that was a different story. I was dating. Several guys. There were guys around, as usual. Kept me occupied for awhile. These men are just great. Some are great in more ways than one. So good, I don't want to stop. So great, they just seem too good to be true. So great, they came close to perfection.
But then again, here I am, back from Malaysia, back with the same guy. In essence, A LOT have changed, but also, nothing at all.
What do I mean? Take this for example. I am currently not at home, at 3am. Where, exactly? Running.
So, really, is ALL you need is love? Because, I've been making decisions based on this 'love' thing, and it's gotten me pretty much back to square one. Not improving. Not moving forward. Because I'm just so blinded by this thing you supposedly called love.
So then here I am again, questioning 'love' itself. One famous question always directed to me is, "Would you marry for love or money?"
For forever, and until now my answer is always the same: Money. Been getting alot of shit about this. But I always believe, love can be built. As long as things are stable.
So right now, I am defying myself against all odds. I am doing all this for love.
Yes, it is love that made me not be with one of those great guys.
Yes, it is love that made me stay. Even when I want to go.
Yes, it is love that made me go financially damaged, knowingly.
Yes, it is love that made me put up with this bullshit day by day.
Yes, it is love that made me cry instead of being angry.
Yes, it is love that makes up for the unhappiness of every day.
Yes, it is love that makes me want to stay, not for money, but for LOVE itself.
Yes, it is love that prevents me from hating the one person who has damaged me beyond all else.
Yes, it is love that puts me here where I am right now, instead of in my comfortable bed. Why? Because instead of asking him to leave my place, I left.
It is all LOVE.
So tell me, where is the rest?
Where is respect? For other people and for one self?
Where is appreciation?
Where is trust?
Most of all, where is hope?
I'm looking for all these things, but I can't find it. So tell me again, ALL you need is love? Because if that's true, then I'm doing the right thing. But how does abandoning basic values be right? Tell me how.
I tell you what, I was right the first time. Money is the way to go. Only, I am already in love. I'm already on one path. A path I'm attached to. A path I can't get off because I will lose a part of me if I do.
So maybe my only decision is: Is the part I lose going to be worth it?
Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50,000 tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
But you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought I've reached the bottom
So go on and scream
Scream at me, I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under
LoVe~
MzP<3