So I met someone.
And all I can say is... Wow.
LoVe~
MzP<3
19 September 2010
28 June 2010
I Love The Way You Lie
Hmm...
England just got defeated by Germany 4-1.
Australia just got a new PM. A female PM.
I just got back from Penang.
I would think these are at the top of my list of current happenings at the moment. LOL.
I miss Sydney. The weather, my friends. My life. My people. My place.
I've been single for 7 months now. Wow. Longest time ever! I'm still loving it. Every minute. But why though? I do realise that most people are scared of change. In relationships, even more so. So most single people I know, would remain single. And the people in relationships would continue seeking relationships when one fails. Unless there is a traumatising experience in there somewhere. Then they change.
I wonder why sometimes. I wonder why I'm sooo far removed from relationships these days. I avoid it quite abit. Maybe my last few relationships had a bigger negative impact on my life than I care to admit. Yes, yes, I'm never seen as the victim. But why is it this time, I'm the one who is so scarred that I can't imagine myself in another full on long term relationship?
I do think, if I find the right guy, I would want a relationship with him. But wait, I did crush on someone, and would want a relationship with him, but in every scenario in my head, it has always been of me telling him right from the start that I don't want anything too serious. I just can't do it anymore.
When I think of relationships these days, it's of fights, and insecurity and screaming and pain and depression. While I used to not live without it, I can't imagine myself being in it anymore. I have a tendency of being in abusive relationships too. And come to think of it, eventhough I can remember my early childhood experiences, sometimes in technicolor detail, I do forget most of my years in a relationship. You know, the way your body forget certain pain just because it is too much? Maybe I just sub-consciously push it so far back in my head. Either way, who knows?
No, I do not wnat to be in a relationship now, or in the near future. But if I am, I assure you, it's because I really like that guy. Or maybe even because he's the one. No more dating just anyone. I will be sooo picky on the next person, until I find my Pegasus. And until then, I would enjoy my single life to the limit.
Or maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe it's just because I'm hanging out with Westerners alot more and I'm just absorbed into their culture.
One thing about abusive relationships though. I have seen it, and been in it. It's not pretty. I know what it feels quite well. I do thank God it never got too bad. Bad enough, though. It is painful. not so much physically, but more mentally. I have never been strong enough to leave. Instead I would start a path of self-destruction. I would probably start cheating or something like that. It's my only defense mechanism. Knowing it will hurt him someday when he finds out. Fuck, it's wrong. The most wrong thing to do in a relationship: hurting each other until finally one lets go because they've had enough. I know very well, I should just leave. But seriously, when you love someone so much that you spend most of your time with him, and planned your future with him, and stopped doing anything fun with your friends because he's not there, letting go is hard. What's a few bruises right, comparing to everything both of you has invested? And he's promised to never ever do it again. He cried. He begged. He told you he loves you and will never let you go.
And I'm speaking for all those who are or were in abusive relationships. When he begs and promises yet again, we find that tiny tiny spark of hope that it would be true this time. After all, you've never met a guy who loves you as much as he does. And then there's all that passion. If your fight is that bad, passion is high most probably everywhere else too. And how do we let go of that passion? Beats me. I still have yet to figure it out.
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that’s alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that’s alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
England just got defeated by Germany 4-1.
Australia just got a new PM. A female PM.
I just got back from Penang.
I would think these are at the top of my list of current happenings at the moment. LOL.
I miss Sydney. The weather, my friends. My life. My people. My place.
I've been single for 7 months now. Wow. Longest time ever! I'm still loving it. Every minute. But why though? I do realise that most people are scared of change. In relationships, even more so. So most single people I know, would remain single. And the people in relationships would continue seeking relationships when one fails. Unless there is a traumatising experience in there somewhere. Then they change.
I wonder why sometimes. I wonder why I'm sooo far removed from relationships these days. I avoid it quite abit. Maybe my last few relationships had a bigger negative impact on my life than I care to admit. Yes, yes, I'm never seen as the victim. But why is it this time, I'm the one who is so scarred that I can't imagine myself in another full on long term relationship?
I do think, if I find the right guy, I would want a relationship with him. But wait, I did crush on someone, and would want a relationship with him, but in every scenario in my head, it has always been of me telling him right from the start that I don't want anything too serious. I just can't do it anymore.
When I think of relationships these days, it's of fights, and insecurity and screaming and pain and depression. While I used to not live without it, I can't imagine myself being in it anymore. I have a tendency of being in abusive relationships too. And come to think of it, eventhough I can remember my early childhood experiences, sometimes in technicolor detail, I do forget most of my years in a relationship. You know, the way your body forget certain pain just because it is too much? Maybe I just sub-consciously push it so far back in my head. Either way, who knows?
No, I do not wnat to be in a relationship now, or in the near future. But if I am, I assure you, it's because I really like that guy. Or maybe even because he's the one. No more dating just anyone. I will be sooo picky on the next person, until I find my Pegasus. And until then, I would enjoy my single life to the limit.
Or maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe it's just because I'm hanging out with Westerners alot more and I'm just absorbed into their culture.
One thing about abusive relationships though. I have seen it, and been in it. It's not pretty. I know what it feels quite well. I do thank God it never got too bad. Bad enough, though. It is painful. not so much physically, but more mentally. I have never been strong enough to leave. Instead I would start a path of self-destruction. I would probably start cheating or something like that. It's my only defense mechanism. Knowing it will hurt him someday when he finds out. Fuck, it's wrong. The most wrong thing to do in a relationship: hurting each other until finally one lets go because they've had enough. I know very well, I should just leave. But seriously, when you love someone so much that you spend most of your time with him, and planned your future with him, and stopped doing anything fun with your friends because he's not there, letting go is hard. What's a few bruises right, comparing to everything both of you has invested? And he's promised to never ever do it again. He cried. He begged. He told you he loves you and will never let you go.
And I'm speaking for all those who are or were in abusive relationships. When he begs and promises yet again, we find that tiny tiny spark of hope that it would be true this time. After all, you've never met a guy who loves you as much as he does. And then there's all that passion. If your fight is that bad, passion is high most probably everywhere else too. And how do we let go of that passion? Beats me. I still have yet to figure it out.
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that’s alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that’s alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
LoVe~
MzP<3
06 June 2010
Until I Find You
I just want my camera back!!
It's a silver Lumix in a red casing.
I lost it in the Ubar on a Thursday night.
And while I'm writing about cameras,
I would also want my pink Sony Cybershot T2!
I lost it in a taxi in Dubai, way back in December.
And can I please have them with all my pictures back? They kinda mean alot to me.
So if you see anyone around uni using a silver Lumix in a red casing, or if someone is asking you for a Lumix camera battery charger, please please ask them about the camera? Thank you so so so much.
LoVe~
MzP<3
05 June 2010
All You Need is Love
It's that time of the semester again.
You know, when the stoners put away their weed.
And the drunkards do not buy more beer.
And the party-ers stay home on Thursday, Friday AND Saturday nights.
Finals.
Honestly, no matter how bad of a reputation you have in uni, or how wild everyone perceive you to be, I'm pretty sure this is the most terrifying part of the semester for you. It's like life halts to a stop. When the nerds become nerdier. And the rest just shake in fear, and wish they were nerds in the first place.
It's the time Gavin does not come out of his room. At all. Not even to go to the gym. O.O
And for me?
I'm the one in denial. While everyone else is in the library the whole day and camping outside at nights (to ensure they get seats in the morning), I'm at home. Sleeping. For some reason, I don't freak out. Nono, not because I'm prepared. (Helloooo, have you seen my partying pics on FB?) And not because it doesn't matter to me either. It's just... I don't know. It's like I have some kind of freedom from worry or something. Which is bad!
Right now, it's almost 5am. I'm not sleeping yet. Because I couldn't sleep, not because I was studying. And it's annoying. My insomnia this past few months has been horrifying. Falling asleep takes forever. And if I fall asleep too easily, it can be guaranteed I'll wake up 2 hours later, not being able to fall back asleep until, say 7am. It's just annoying.
I never study anyway. It's like this thing. My thing. I don't always get away with it. And when I don't, it's just disastrous. But see, I get away with it too many times. Back in boarding school, after I get my results, my friends usually say, "Wow, I never see you study!!"
It's a blessing I guess. And a curse as well. Because I get very much broken when things go wrong as a result of it. So yeah, you might be thinking, wow, if I don't study my results are still alright, I would get amazing results if I DO study. Nope, not the case. You know the saying that goes, you only need 10% of your effort to reach 90%, but you'll need the 90% to reach the next 10%. Or something like that. That's just the thing. I only put 10% in everything. Because 90% is good for me. Hell, it's amazing. LOL. Just kidding.
Actually, I would put it on luck. I am a lucky person, enough said. The little I do remember from classes would get tested in exams. I would win small prizes in scratchies. I would be arranged to sit the same table with my crush at a big formal dinner. My chances to win in a bet are high. Just lucky. Granted, the rain does not stop for me. And there are days when everything goes wrong. But I go through months or years where the good things far outweigh the bad. No, life is not easy, I give you that. I'd say, it is overall, pleasant.
Only one thing though. I cannot do something wrong. Which means that, every single time I do wrong - say, deliberately lie to bring someone down, or maybe steal, or cheat on exams, or just hide something I shouldn't, or not listen to my mom - I would get punished for it, pretty bad. Not that I would do any of the above mentioned anyway. :P
However 2010 has not been one of those exceptionally lucky years. I have to work for my luck abit more. So yeah, I'd better sleep now so I can study tomorrow. Wish me luck!
By the way, San and I signed up to volunteer for Daffodil Day on the 27th of August. We will be in Mac Centre from 9-5 spreading awareness of cancer, and selling stuff you can buy to donate a lil' for the cause. Check it out here: http://www.daffodilday.com.au/ I will see you there!!
You know, when the stoners put away their weed.
And the drunkards do not buy more beer.
And the party-ers stay home on Thursday, Friday AND Saturday nights.
Finals.
Honestly, no matter how bad of a reputation you have in uni, or how wild everyone perceive you to be, I'm pretty sure this is the most terrifying part of the semester for you. It's like life halts to a stop. When the nerds become nerdier. And the rest just shake in fear, and wish they were nerds in the first place.
It's the time Gavin does not come out of his room. At all. Not even to go to the gym. O.O
And for me?
I'm the one in denial. While everyone else is in the library the whole day and camping outside at nights (to ensure they get seats in the morning), I'm at home. Sleeping. For some reason, I don't freak out. Nono, not because I'm prepared. (Helloooo, have you seen my partying pics on FB?) And not because it doesn't matter to me either. It's just... I don't know. It's like I have some kind of freedom from worry or something. Which is bad!
Right now, it's almost 5am. I'm not sleeping yet. Because I couldn't sleep, not because I was studying. And it's annoying. My insomnia this past few months has been horrifying. Falling asleep takes forever. And if I fall asleep too easily, it can be guaranteed I'll wake up 2 hours later, not being able to fall back asleep until, say 7am. It's just annoying.
I never study anyway. It's like this thing. My thing. I don't always get away with it. And when I don't, it's just disastrous. But see, I get away with it too many times. Back in boarding school, after I get my results, my friends usually say, "Wow, I never see you study!!"
It's a blessing I guess. And a curse as well. Because I get very much broken when things go wrong as a result of it. So yeah, you might be thinking, wow, if I don't study my results are still alright, I would get amazing results if I DO study. Nope, not the case. You know the saying that goes, you only need 10% of your effort to reach 90%, but you'll need the 90% to reach the next 10%. Or something like that. That's just the thing. I only put 10% in everything. Because 90% is good for me. Hell, it's amazing. LOL. Just kidding.
Actually, I would put it on luck. I am a lucky person, enough said. The little I do remember from classes would get tested in exams. I would win small prizes in scratchies. I would be arranged to sit the same table with my crush at a big formal dinner. My chances to win in a bet are high. Just lucky. Granted, the rain does not stop for me. And there are days when everything goes wrong. But I go through months or years where the good things far outweigh the bad. No, life is not easy, I give you that. I'd say, it is overall, pleasant.
Only one thing though. I cannot do something wrong. Which means that, every single time I do wrong - say, deliberately lie to bring someone down, or maybe steal, or cheat on exams, or just hide something I shouldn't, or not listen to my mom - I would get punished for it, pretty bad. Not that I would do any of the above mentioned anyway. :P
However 2010 has not been one of those exceptionally lucky years. I have to work for my luck abit more. So yeah, I'd better sleep now so I can study tomorrow. Wish me luck!
By the way, San and I signed up to volunteer for Daffodil Day on the 27th of August. We will be in Mac Centre from 9-5 spreading awareness of cancer, and selling stuff you can buy to donate a lil' for the cause. Check it out here: http://www.daffodilday.com.au/ I will see you there!!
There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you
in time - It's easy.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
LoVe~
MzP<3
22 May 2010
Magnificent Beauty
My favourite colour is pretty much common knowledge. If you didn't know let me give you a hint:
But I'll bet you did not know my other favourite things. Like my second favourite colour (that's a hard one to guess, really). Or my favourite flower. Or my favourite song of all time. Or my favourite word. Or just my favourite food?
I'll tell you one thing then. No, I'll show you.
My favourite flower:
The Calla Lily. In my opinion, the most beautiful flower ever. It's beauty is in its simplicity. In its pureness. Its curve. I love it. It is also, unfortunately, pretty hard to get. Also pretty expensive.
Surprisingly my favourite flower is not the extravagant rose. Or maybe something sweet like daisies. But calla lilies attract me so much.
You know how roses have thorns? Bet you didn't know that calla lilies are poisonous. No, not just their stems, like roses, but every part of the plant. Yes including the flowers. And somehow that attracts me more. Knowing they are dangerous in all their simple beauty. And we're not talking a prick on a finger either. Poison.
And this I just found out. Their scientific name is Zantedeschia. Yes, it starts with a Z. My initial. How awesome is that?
The flower itself means 'magnificent beauty'.
*sigh*
LoVe~
MzP<3
15 May 2010
Airplanes
Today will be a pretty good day. Tomorrow would be great! Actually this is a pretty awesome weekend when I think about it.
On thing to celebrate: My luck has returned!!!!!!!!! OMG this is by far the best news in a looooong time. Oh, don't worry, I didn't have to kiss anyone to get it back.
Although things are still not as good as I would like it to be, it's turning around. I am a lot more happier. I am a LOT more healthier, that's for sure. And my depression is gone!
Turns out one of the BEST cure for depression I've ever come across, is to lose myself in pretty pictures. You know, pictures of things that are so pretty they make your hair rise and your toes curl. They make you forget about everything else for a moment, and truly make you believe the world is such a beautiful place that anything bad does not exist. (Or even if they do exist, they're not as bad anymore)
Try it: So Very Pretty!
I've spent hours and hours on the site, and every time, I'm transported to a place so beautiful I don't want to get out. I tell you (eventhough it sounds wayyy cliched) that everytime on the site, I thank God for every bad thing, and everything I had suffered for, because it makes me appreciate the world's beauty that much more. Love!!
Speaking of all this love and happiness and fairytale stuff, I wonder...
Sorry, that was just a moment. Moving on.
OMG I'm going to Melbourne right after my exams. No, we're not talking a week after. No, we're not talking a few days after. No, we're not even talking the next day. We're talking the same day my exam ends! No kidding. And soon after arriving, first destination: clubs!! We're talking, arrive, get picked up, and go clubs. Yes, we're awesome like that. Haha.
And then, get back to Sydney, and flyyy back to Malaysia the day after. Yay! Gosh, I love airplanes and flights and airports. I like all about them. Their smell, and the lighting and all the people in colourful uniforms. I even don't mind airplane food. What can I say, I grew up with them. Traveling has become a part of me over the years. For me, it's always the promise of it all. When you pack, and get ready, and get out of the house. When you get to the airport, you feel it. The anticipation. The promise of adventures or very familiar sights. Just knowing that when you get out of that plane, you're somewhere else entirely. It's the promise of people waiting for me.I would be alright if my job gets me to travel everyday. In fact I would love that.
And for the last thing I saved... my confession. I am having a crush on someone. Yes, someone. And that's all you're getting from me. But I could really use a wish right now. And this year, I just have 2 wishes: to graduate with good results. And him.
On thing to celebrate: My luck has returned!!!!!!!!! OMG this is by far the best news in a looooong time. Oh, don't worry, I didn't have to kiss anyone to get it back.
Although things are still not as good as I would like it to be, it's turning around. I am a lot more happier. I am a LOT more healthier, that's for sure. And my depression is gone!
Turns out one of the BEST cure for depression I've ever come across, is to lose myself in pretty pictures. You know, pictures of things that are so pretty they make your hair rise and your toes curl. They make you forget about everything else for a moment, and truly make you believe the world is such a beautiful place that anything bad does not exist. (Or even if they do exist, they're not as bad anymore)
Try it: So Very Pretty!
I've spent hours and hours on the site, and every time, I'm transported to a place so beautiful I don't want to get out. I tell you (eventhough it sounds wayyy cliched) that everytime on the site, I thank God for every bad thing, and everything I had suffered for, because it makes me appreciate the world's beauty that much more. Love!!
Speaking of all this love and happiness and fairytale stuff, I wonder...
Sorry, that was just a moment. Moving on.
OMG I'm going to Melbourne right after my exams. No, we're not talking a week after. No, we're not talking a few days after. No, we're not even talking the next day. We're talking the same day my exam ends! No kidding. And soon after arriving, first destination: clubs!! We're talking, arrive, get picked up, and go clubs. Yes, we're awesome like that. Haha.
And then, get back to Sydney, and flyyy back to Malaysia the day after. Yay! Gosh, I love airplanes and flights and airports. I like all about them. Their smell, and the lighting and all the people in colourful uniforms. I even don't mind airplane food. What can I say, I grew up with them. Traveling has become a part of me over the years. For me, it's always the promise of it all. When you pack, and get ready, and get out of the house. When you get to the airport, you feel it. The anticipation. The promise of adventures or very familiar sights. Just knowing that when you get out of that plane, you're somewhere else entirely. It's the promise of people waiting for me.I would be alright if my job gets me to travel everyday. In fact I would love that.
And for the last thing I saved... my confession. I am having a crush on someone. Yes, someone. And that's all you're getting from me. But I could really use a wish right now. And this year, I just have 2 wishes: to graduate with good results. And him.
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky
Are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now.
Wish right now.
Wish right now...
LoVe~
MzP<304 May 2010
TiK ToK
Today a guy told me: I broke up with my girlfriend last week. And then I realized I'd rather be with you than her.
Well. Why would someone put that much pressure on you? It's so hard for me when it comes to that.
Is he hot? Yeah, considerably. Is he fun? I would say so. So what's the problem? Problem is, he's a friend. I do not go out with friends. I can't like them.
So far 2010 has been good. More toned down, as in less partying. Less stupid young stuff. But it's been awesome all the same. And the big thing is, I've kept some of my New Year's resolutions. It's May, impressive right? I am proud of myself. Hehe.
The best part of it all? I am happy. Right now I would say I'm pretty depressed. But it's the happiest depressed state I've ever been in. Being happy even when depressed. Wow. Life must be good ey? Haha.
Bad news: My housemates are all boys now. Ugh.
Good news: Like a million friends!!
Life is moving on. I am truly happy, happier than I've ever been in a loooong time. I've been single for 7 months now... and loving it! I'm doing so good in uni, they claim I'm sleeping with the lecturer ;) Well, I won't admit I'm a nerd!! I've gone on adventures. Plenty spontaneous ones. Plenty awesome friends too! And yet time moves on, and moves and moves. Trust me this is going to be legendary!
My only regret is that I haven't been hanging out more with my Malaysian friends. Just, you know, not feeling it since most of them has left. I should try harder though. Circumstances don't allow it too much, but.
Signing out, loving life. As laid back, adventurous, crazy and spontaneous as it is. I wouldn't give it up for the world!
So sue me.
LoVe~
MzP<3
Well. Why would someone put that much pressure on you? It's so hard for me when it comes to that.
Is he hot? Yeah, considerably. Is he fun? I would say so. So what's the problem? Problem is, he's a friend. I do not go out with friends. I can't like them.
So far 2010 has been good. More toned down, as in less partying. Less stupid young stuff. But it's been awesome all the same. And the big thing is, I've kept some of my New Year's resolutions. It's May, impressive right? I am proud of myself. Hehe.
The best part of it all? I am happy. Right now I would say I'm pretty depressed. But it's the happiest depressed state I've ever been in. Being happy even when depressed. Wow. Life must be good ey? Haha.
Bad news: My housemates are all boys now. Ugh.
Good news: Like a million friends!!
Life is moving on. I am truly happy, happier than I've ever been in a loooong time. I've been single for 7 months now... and loving it! I'm doing so good in uni, they claim I'm sleeping with the lecturer ;) Well, I won't admit I'm a nerd!! I've gone on adventures. Plenty spontaneous ones. Plenty awesome friends too! And yet time moves on, and moves and moves. Trust me this is going to be legendary!
My only regret is that I haven't been hanging out more with my Malaysian friends. Just, you know, not feeling it since most of them has left. I should try harder though. Circumstances don't allow it too much, but.
Signing out, loving life. As laid back, adventurous, crazy and spontaneous as it is. I wouldn't give it up for the world!
So sue me.
Now, the party don't start 'til I walk in
Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no
LoVe~
MzP<3
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