I feel like I just won $200 or something.
I guess that's how it is with opportunity costs. I no longer have to spend the $200 dollars, which was my initial obligation. So it feels like I have an extra $200 out of nowhere. Happy happy. Hehe.
Last night I had one of the best sleep in a long time. Sandrine stayed over, and we both slept way way past our wake up time!
So, today I decided to be a little bit more of a nerd and study something. No, nothing related to accounting, unfortunately. More in the line of Biology. Genetics, to be specific. The topic in particular is evolution, or to be a lot more specific, speciation.
I found out two things:
1. My initial theory that evolution occurs pretty fast, is right. Flies could divide into two completely different species in as little as 8 generations. And as flies only have a life span of what, a day, that is a short time.
2. I learned this thing called punctuated equilibrium, officially introduced in a research paper produced in 1972, and I think, it so makes sense! Before this, they argued, if evolution really does exist, why then doesn't the 'in-betweens' of humans and monkeys exist? Well, it seems punctuated equilibrium explains it.
Can you imagine, though, that actually, some of the discoveries of new species, could possibly be really actually really new species that just appeared, say, 5 years ago. Wow. Interesting huh?
Punctuated equilibrium is the term used to show that most animals and plants stay the same for a long time, and will only evolve when pressure is present, and that it will take only a short time to evolve and then when it adapts, remain as the next species for a long time until the next evolution. So evolution does not happen gradually, as previously assumed. There is very little time between the change from one species to the next, but the species then remain the same for a long time, as long as it suits their niche perfectly.
Plenty interesting stuff, I would say. And the fact these studies are relatively new. I love new information like this. It feeds my brain more than all those accounting crap I've been stuffing my head with.
So. Tomorrow is ADND 2009. Dee-zahz-tergh as HappySlip's* dad would say.
I don't know why, but ADND marketing this year is so bad, that no one actually knows when it is, even. And they say, my department is not doing their job. I mean, seriously, no one has even seen the ADND logo. This is just so wrong. Everything is so... haywired, for want of a better word.
What's going on with me, though? Well, I'm putting my love life on hold. Despite men appearing again, around me. Maybe I need time, or maybe I'm just not interested... Hehehe... Nah, seriously, it is really on hold for the time being. A bit of time to get me back on my feet. But seeing as how slow time is going for me right now, one day would feel like a week, I wouldn't expect it to be too long of a wait. Alright, not a relationship per say, maybe just a rebound.
And this time I would want a REALtionship. Not those fake ones.
Soon these tears will all be dryin'
Soon these eyes will see the sun
Won't be long, won't be long
Till I see it
When I'm back on my feet again
LoVe~
MzP<3
*HappySlip is a username on Youtube, by Christine Gambito who does comedic videos, which I am truly addicted to.
08 October 2009
06 October 2009
Mile In These Shoes
I don't expect to hear from you or see you in a very VERY long time.
So. The explanation.
This guy I've been with, this guy I loved so much has this rule. I'm never allowed to go out clubbing. I'm forbidden. He hates it. The rule is, I can only go out clubbing when he's around. When he comes with me. This is one big rule.
For me to out clubbing is a total fault in his eyes. Even if I go out with all girls. Once when we were fighting about things we like to do, I said I like clubbing why can't I do it? And he said, "Tak boleh ke buat something berfaedah?"
One thing, I don't drink. I don't go out clubbing to get drunk. Or to make a fool of myself. I go to meet my friends, to dance, have a good time. Despite knowing I don't drink, he still controls me in that way.
So the rule is I can only go with him, right? When he is around, whenever my friends ask me to go out with them I ask him, and his answers are always, "No." It's always about how he's not in the mood. About how he prefers spending time with me at home. About how that part of his life is 'over' and he doesn't have fun doing it anymore.
It fucking annoys me everytime, that he thinks he's soooo self-righteous by not going clubbing.
The times we do end up going, which is very few, by the way, we would go back early. Too early. Eventhough I begged him to stay for a little while longer. But if he wants to go home, I have to go too, because I can't be there alone. So usually, we'll end up home before 1am. Before midnight, most nights. And I would spend the next day listening to my friends talk about how good it was after I left.
This came up in our fights a few times. About how I can't go without him, and with him, he won't even let me enjoy as long as I want.
So there is also another rule between us: the rule of when the circumstances warrant a breakup, or if one us asks for a breakup, we will wait 24 hours before we do something the other don't like. Like, say, make out with someone else. His rule, not mine, because he is such a jerk that if we breakup, he can't see me with another guy, but his ego is too high to ask for me back.
He would do something like walk away from me, but still act like I'm his possession. Calling me a slut if I rebound or try to get over him too fast. Even more than 24 hours after a breakup.
So last weekend right, it was during our uni break. He made a promise to finally bring me somewhere on this break. He promised to bring me to La Perouse for the sunset. I was so excited about it, because other than just spending time together in the sunset, it was supposed to be the time where we officially get together.
So because of how busy we were last week, the only day we could go was on Friday. So we planned it. We planned it the whole week. I was so looking forward to it. So excited that we were finally going somewhere together. Just the two of us.
Then suddenly, change of plans. His sister got upset with him because he didn't spend time with her and visit her in Newcastle. So I said, you know what? Why don't you go to Newcastle and see your sister. We can do the La Perouse thing another day.
So yes, I sacrificed our one holiday in a LOOOOOONG time. Our one thing.
So he went to Newcastle. His first day there, we had a fight. Fight, which was small, and became bigger and bigger. Until we stopped talking to each other.
So the next day I had a meeting for my society, far away. Suddenly I received his SMS, saying he'll see me tonight, and telling me the time he'll be reaching Sydney.
Well, we were still fighting, and I was pissed off that he didn't call me at all the previous day, and then started SMSing me like everything was normal. In the midst of our text argument, he let it slip that he came back at 2am the night before.
Then he called. I picked up.
I asked, " You came back at 2? Did you go out clubbing?"
He said, "Yes."
I stopped talking to him since.
So.
Today, he came to see me. Wanting me back. Apologising for the things he said.
But when the clubbing thing came up? He didn't think he did anything wrong. He said, he didn't do anything wrong at first, and that it's alright to go out clubbing. Then I repeated all the things he said to me about clubbing.
Then when I said he never let me, he said it's only because I'm a girl. Only because guys will come up to me and hit on me. So it's a double standard. It's alright for him to go but it's not alright for ME, apparently. I'm his doll.
I never realise that this relationship is pure bullshit until now.
Until now he won't apologize. Until now he says he doesn't know why I'm so pissed off.
But he wants me back. Without apologising.
Like I said, this explanation is the end of it. Be in my shoes and tell me what you would feel if this were you.
It's time to end it right?
If you still haven't realized it by now, my love for him is clouding my judgment. So please, tell me.
LoVe~
MzP<3>
So. The explanation.
This guy I've been with, this guy I loved so much has this rule. I'm never allowed to go out clubbing. I'm forbidden. He hates it. The rule is, I can only go out clubbing when he's around. When he comes with me. This is one big rule.
For me to out clubbing is a total fault in his eyes. Even if I go out with all girls. Once when we were fighting about things we like to do, I said I like clubbing why can't I do it? And he said, "Tak boleh ke buat something berfaedah?"
One thing, I don't drink. I don't go out clubbing to get drunk. Or to make a fool of myself. I go to meet my friends, to dance, have a good time. Despite knowing I don't drink, he still controls me in that way.
So the rule is I can only go with him, right? When he is around, whenever my friends ask me to go out with them I ask him, and his answers are always, "No." It's always about how he's not in the mood. About how he prefers spending time with me at home. About how that part of his life is 'over' and he doesn't have fun doing it anymore.
It fucking annoys me everytime, that he thinks he's soooo self-righteous by not going clubbing.
The times we do end up going, which is very few, by the way, we would go back early. Too early. Eventhough I begged him to stay for a little while longer. But if he wants to go home, I have to go too, because I can't be there alone. So usually, we'll end up home before 1am. Before midnight, most nights. And I would spend the next day listening to my friends talk about how good it was after I left.
This came up in our fights a few times. About how I can't go without him, and with him, he won't even let me enjoy as long as I want.
So there is also another rule between us: the rule of when the circumstances warrant a breakup, or if one us asks for a breakup, we will wait 24 hours before we do something the other don't like. Like, say, make out with someone else. His rule, not mine, because he is such a jerk that if we breakup, he can't see me with another guy, but his ego is too high to ask for me back.
He would do something like walk away from me, but still act like I'm his possession. Calling me a slut if I rebound or try to get over him too fast. Even more than 24 hours after a breakup.
So last weekend right, it was during our uni break. He made a promise to finally bring me somewhere on this break. He promised to bring me to La Perouse for the sunset. I was so excited about it, because other than just spending time together in the sunset, it was supposed to be the time where we officially get together.
So because of how busy we were last week, the only day we could go was on Friday. So we planned it. We planned it the whole week. I was so looking forward to it. So excited that we were finally going somewhere together. Just the two of us.
Then suddenly, change of plans. His sister got upset with him because he didn't spend time with her and visit her in Newcastle. So I said, you know what? Why don't you go to Newcastle and see your sister. We can do the La Perouse thing another day.
So yes, I sacrificed our one holiday in a LOOOOOONG time. Our one thing.
So he went to Newcastle. His first day there, we had a fight. Fight, which was small, and became bigger and bigger. Until we stopped talking to each other.
So the next day I had a meeting for my society, far away. Suddenly I received his SMS, saying he'll see me tonight, and telling me the time he'll be reaching Sydney.
Well, we were still fighting, and I was pissed off that he didn't call me at all the previous day, and then started SMSing me like everything was normal. In the midst of our text argument, he let it slip that he came back at 2am the night before.
Then he called. I picked up.
I asked, " You came back at 2? Did you go out clubbing?"
He said, "Yes."
I stopped talking to him since.
So.
Today, he came to see me. Wanting me back. Apologising for the things he said.
But when the clubbing thing came up? He didn't think he did anything wrong. He said, he didn't do anything wrong at first, and that it's alright to go out clubbing. Then I repeated all the things he said to me about clubbing.
Then when I said he never let me, he said it's only because I'm a girl. Only because guys will come up to me and hit on me. So it's a double standard. It's alright for him to go but it's not alright for ME, apparently. I'm his doll.
I never realise that this relationship is pure bullshit until now.
Until now he won't apologize. Until now he says he doesn't know why I'm so pissed off.
But he wants me back. Without apologising.
Like I said, this explanation is the end of it. Be in my shoes and tell me what you would feel if this were you.
It's time to end it right?
If you still haven't realized it by now, my love for him is clouding my judgment. So please, tell me.
I dare you to walk a mile in my shoes
LoVe~
MzP<3>
One Last Song
Well, turns out an explanation is imminent. But once I start explaining to the WORLD exactly how i feel, it is my way of letting it go fully, once and for all.
I know it is coming. I will explain and reveal everything I feel on MY side... soon.
I was just hoping for once, someone would surprise me in a good way. But I guess there's no room for good surprises here, huh?
So the tears finally came. And for the next two days, I know, that's all that would happen. Letting it go. Crying.
I wonder how he could, even ONCE, doubt my love. After everything. After time. But I guess it's not in him to see anyone else as a 'victim' other than himself.
I will explain. Everything.
Like what really happened. Like what I really felt. And after that, it is irrevocably over. Beyond words. And I will move on.
"You think I am not strong enough to let you go? Watch me." Applies to me too, you know.
So here I am, waiting. If even after this, you still don't think I love you as much as I possibly could ever love someone, than I don't know what to say.
Except bye...
And if you need me, you'd kiss me
Then tell me how you feel
And if you want me, you'd show me
That your love is for real
And if you love me
You'd hold me in your arms where I belong
So while I'm feeling strong
I sing you one last song.
LoVe~
MzP<3
p.s. I'm not going to call, because I know and you know it's your fault - you did something really unacceptable. And I'm not going to pick up because I deserve more than that, after what you've done. Let's not pretend you have no clue what you did wrong. Remember the last thing you said to me?
I know it is coming. I will explain and reveal everything I feel on MY side... soon.
I was just hoping for once, someone would surprise me in a good way. But I guess there's no room for good surprises here, huh?
So the tears finally came. And for the next two days, I know, that's all that would happen. Letting it go. Crying.
I wonder how he could, even ONCE, doubt my love. After everything. After time. But I guess it's not in him to see anyone else as a 'victim' other than himself.
I will explain. Everything.
Like what really happened. Like what I really felt. And after that, it is irrevocably over. Beyond words. And I will move on.
"You think I am not strong enough to let you go? Watch me." Applies to me too, you know.
So here I am, waiting. If even after this, you still don't think I love you as much as I possibly could ever love someone, than I don't know what to say.
Except bye...
And if you need me, you'd kiss me
Then tell me how you feel
And if you want me, you'd show me
That your love is for real
And if you love me
You'd hold me in your arms where I belong
So while I'm feeling strong
I sing you one last song.
LoVe~
MzP<3
p.s. I'm not going to call, because I know and you know it's your fault - you did something really unacceptable. And I'm not going to pick up because I deserve more than that, after what you've done. Let's not pretend you have no clue what you did wrong. Remember the last thing you said to me?
To *
If you really want me, you know what to do.
(And I expect more than a phone call)
If you don't, I prefer not to hear from you or see you for a long time. As long as it takes.
(And I expect more than a phone call)
If you don't, I prefer not to hear from you or see you for a long time. As long as it takes.
LoVe~
MzP<3
p.p.s. To the rest of you, if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll explain later. Only if there is an explanation needed. If not, this post doesn't exist.
MzP<3
p.p.s. To the rest of you, if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll explain later. Only if there is an explanation needed. If not, this post doesn't exist.
28 September 2009
Going Under
I've been incredibly lazy lately. Which is pretty normal... in my case.
Went back to Malaysia last week for Raya, and that was good. So good, sometimes I wish I never have to come back.
I mean what is waiting for me in Sydney, anyway?
Before I went back, that was a different story. I was dating. Several guys. There were guys around, as usual. Kept me occupied for awhile. These men are just great. Some are great in more ways than one. So good, I don't want to stop. So great, they just seem too good to be true. So great, they came close to perfection.
But then again, here I am, back from Malaysia, back with the same guy. In essence, A LOT have changed, but also, nothing at all.
What do I mean? Take this for example. I am currently not at home, at 3am. Where, exactly? Running.
So, really, is ALL you need is love? Because, I've been making decisions based on this 'love' thing, and it's gotten me pretty much back to square one. Not improving. Not moving forward. Because I'm just so blinded by this thing you supposedly called love.
So then here I am again, questioning 'love' itself. One famous question always directed to me is, "Would you marry for love or money?"
For forever, and until now my answer is always the same: Money. Been getting alot of shit about this. But I always believe, love can be built. As long as things are stable.
So right now, I am defying myself against all odds. I am doing all this for love.
Yes, it is love that made me not be with one of those great guys.
Yes, it is love that made me stay. Even when I want to go.
Yes, it is love that made me go financially damaged, knowingly.
Yes, it is love that made me put up with this bullshit day by day.
Yes, it is love that made me cry instead of being angry.
Yes, it is love that makes up for the unhappiness of every day.
Yes, it is love that makes me want to stay, not for money, but for LOVE itself.
Yes, it is love that prevents me from hating the one person who has damaged me beyond all else.
Yes, it is love that puts me here where I am right now, instead of in my comfortable bed. Why? Because instead of asking him to leave my place, I left.
It is all LOVE.
So tell me, where is the rest?
Where is respect? For other people and for one self?
Where is appreciation?
Where is trust?
Most of all, where is hope?
I'm looking for all these things, but I can't find it. So tell me again, ALL you need is love? Because if that's true, then I'm doing the right thing. But how does abandoning basic values be right? Tell me how.
I tell you what, I was right the first time. Money is the way to go. Only, I am already in love. I'm already on one path. A path I'm attached to. A path I can't get off because I will lose a part of me if I do.
So maybe my only decision is: Is the part I lose going to be worth it?
LoVe~
MzP<3
Went back to Malaysia last week for Raya, and that was good. So good, sometimes I wish I never have to come back.
I mean what is waiting for me in Sydney, anyway?
Before I went back, that was a different story. I was dating. Several guys. There were guys around, as usual. Kept me occupied for awhile. These men are just great. Some are great in more ways than one. So good, I don't want to stop. So great, they just seem too good to be true. So great, they came close to perfection.
But then again, here I am, back from Malaysia, back with the same guy. In essence, A LOT have changed, but also, nothing at all.
What do I mean? Take this for example. I am currently not at home, at 3am. Where, exactly? Running.
So, really, is ALL you need is love? Because, I've been making decisions based on this 'love' thing, and it's gotten me pretty much back to square one. Not improving. Not moving forward. Because I'm just so blinded by this thing you supposedly called love.
So then here I am again, questioning 'love' itself. One famous question always directed to me is, "Would you marry for love or money?"
For forever, and until now my answer is always the same: Money. Been getting alot of shit about this. But I always believe, love can be built. As long as things are stable.
So right now, I am defying myself against all odds. I am doing all this for love.
Yes, it is love that made me not be with one of those great guys.
Yes, it is love that made me stay. Even when I want to go.
Yes, it is love that made me go financially damaged, knowingly.
Yes, it is love that made me put up with this bullshit day by day.
Yes, it is love that made me cry instead of being angry.
Yes, it is love that makes up for the unhappiness of every day.
Yes, it is love that makes me want to stay, not for money, but for LOVE itself.
Yes, it is love that prevents me from hating the one person who has damaged me beyond all else.
Yes, it is love that puts me here where I am right now, instead of in my comfortable bed. Why? Because instead of asking him to leave my place, I left.
It is all LOVE.
So tell me, where is the rest?
Where is respect? For other people and for one self?
Where is appreciation?
Where is trust?
Most of all, where is hope?
I'm looking for all these things, but I can't find it. So tell me again, ALL you need is love? Because if that's true, then I'm doing the right thing. But how does abandoning basic values be right? Tell me how.
I tell you what, I was right the first time. Money is the way to go. Only, I am already in love. I'm already on one path. A path I'm attached to. A path I can't get off because I will lose a part of me if I do.
So maybe my only decision is: Is the part I lose going to be worth it?
Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50,000 tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
But you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought I've reached the bottom
So go on and scream
Scream at me, I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under
LoVe~
MzP<3
20 August 2009
Insatiable
Ramadhan is starting soon, and despite everything, I'm pretty excited. One month of fasting. It just appeals so much to me.
Talking about fasting reminds me of... fooooood. Mmmm.... Yum...
Right at the top of my head, Hurricane's lamb ribs. Oh. My. God. Kill me now if I never get those ribs again. They're like, the BEST ribs I've ever tasted in my life! An experience in Hurricanes is one experience I just cannot describe with normal everyday words.
Followed closely by Pancakes on the Rocks beef ribs. Yes, those ribs that actually melts in your mouth.
Then there's Tony Roma's ribs. OK, I'm saying Tony Roma's Malaysia. This ribs experience is soooo good that, hard as I try, I can NEVER forget the taste. I heard Tony Roma's Australia does not measure up though. Pity. But I'd keep it that way.
Next stop: Ribs and Rumps. I heard some stories about these ribs. And one day, they'll end up in my mouth, and down my throat... To every inch of my body. Hehe.
Yes, I love good food so much that I'd give up sex for the rest of my life if you could guarantee me good food for every meal, everyday for the rest of my life.
Don't even get me started on dessert.
Chocolate dessert. My mouth waters just at the thought of melting chocolate on cake or waffles or strawberries or marshmallows.
Alright, I'm going to stop now. Yes, I'm obviously hungry. Like so damn hungry.
I'm going to get food now. Not one of those mentioned above, sadly. Just normal, mundane everyday food. But like I say, if you taste something so good, how do you ever get back to something ordinary? Tell me how. How????
Well, as much as I'd hate to admit it, that applies to men as well. Yes, yes. Gimme a woot woot if you agree with that.
Double woot woot for me!
LoVe~
MzP<3
Talking about fasting reminds me of... fooooood. Mmmm.... Yum...
Right at the top of my head, Hurricane's lamb ribs. Oh. My. God. Kill me now if I never get those ribs again. They're like, the BEST ribs I've ever tasted in my life! An experience in Hurricanes is one experience I just cannot describe with normal everyday words.
Followed closely by Pancakes on the Rocks beef ribs. Yes, those ribs that actually melts in your mouth.
Then there's Tony Roma's ribs. OK, I'm saying Tony Roma's Malaysia. This ribs experience is soooo good that, hard as I try, I can NEVER forget the taste. I heard Tony Roma's Australia does not measure up though. Pity. But I'd keep it that way.
Next stop: Ribs and Rumps. I heard some stories about these ribs. And one day, they'll end up in my mouth, and down my throat... To every inch of my body. Hehe.
Yes, I love good food so much that I'd give up sex for the rest of my life if you could guarantee me good food for every meal, everyday for the rest of my life.
Don't even get me started on dessert.
Chocolate dessert. My mouth waters just at the thought of melting chocolate on cake or waffles or strawberries or marshmallows.
Alright, I'm going to stop now. Yes, I'm obviously hungry. Like so damn hungry.
I'm going to get food now. Not one of those mentioned above, sadly. Just normal, mundane everyday food. But like I say, if you taste something so good, how do you ever get back to something ordinary? Tell me how. How????
Well, as much as I'd hate to admit it, that applies to men as well. Yes, yes. Gimme a woot woot if you agree with that.
Double woot woot for me!
LoVe~
MzP<3
07 August 2009
STOP
A month ago, I told some people, some friends, of the most dramatic thing that happened in my life. People I just met, people I barely knew. I lied.
The most dramatic part of my life didn't just happen this year, it happened all the way up to 7 years ago while I was still what you would call a preteen.
And also, I lied because I can never pinpoint it. I can never tell you the exact point that is the most dramatic. Mostly because they're all way way way dramatic.
Partly because there are some things you just wanna keep to yourself.
Today is one of those days. One of the worse ones. One that will haunt me for the rest of my life. The kind of 'dramatic' that even if you look back 50 years from now, wouldn't be even remotely funny.
So what is it?
Unfortunately, it's one of those that I'd keep to myself.
Other people looking in, in fact, most people, would have something to say about this. Things like, how this is wrong. Yes, the mark on my face is present, but it's only just a mark. Just a mark.
I know I'm a woman, but I can take care of myself. I don't need protection. And if I do, I'll ask for it.
I know. I know it's my fault for getting people involved. I know. I didn't mean to. I really didn't mean to.
And for God's sake, STOP telling me it's against the law in Australia. I know what I can or can't stand. And if I'm alright with it, the police can't do anything about it. So there. (Well, unless they can claim temporary insanity on me, in which case, is a different story altogether).
Deep down, I know it's wrong. But people make mistakes right? Damn, I make mistakes. And damn it if it's not partly my fault anyway, right?
They'd tell me to stop defending him. Stop? If I don't, who will?
So he did something wrong. I know he did. I accept that he did. And I've forgiven him.
Back off. Let me decide what I can and can't handle.
LoVe~
MzP<3
The most dramatic part of my life didn't just happen this year, it happened all the way up to 7 years ago while I was still what you would call a preteen.
And also, I lied because I can never pinpoint it. I can never tell you the exact point that is the most dramatic. Mostly because they're all way way way dramatic.
Partly because there are some things you just wanna keep to yourself.
Today is one of those days. One of the worse ones. One that will haunt me for the rest of my life. The kind of 'dramatic' that even if you look back 50 years from now, wouldn't be even remotely funny.
So what is it?
Unfortunately, it's one of those that I'd keep to myself.
Other people looking in, in fact, most people, would have something to say about this. Things like, how this is wrong. Yes, the mark on my face is present, but it's only just a mark. Just a mark.
I know I'm a woman, but I can take care of myself. I don't need protection. And if I do, I'll ask for it.
I know. I know it's my fault for getting people involved. I know. I didn't mean to. I really didn't mean to.
And for God's sake, STOP telling me it's against the law in Australia. I know what I can or can't stand. And if I'm alright with it, the police can't do anything about it. So there. (Well, unless they can claim temporary insanity on me, in which case, is a different story altogether).
Deep down, I know it's wrong. But people make mistakes right? Damn, I make mistakes. And damn it if it's not partly my fault anyway, right?
They'd tell me to stop defending him. Stop? If I don't, who will?
So he did something wrong. I know he did. I accept that he did. And I've forgiven him.
Back off. Let me decide what I can and can't handle.
LoVe~
MzP<3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)