To *

If you really want me, you know what to do.
(And I expect more than a phone call)

If you don't, I prefer not to hear from you or see you for a long time. As long as it takes.

LoVe~
MzP<3

p.p.s. To the rest of you, if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll explain later. Only if there is an explanation needed. If not, this post doesn't exist.

Going Under

I've been incredibly lazy lately. Which is pretty normal... in my case.

Went back to Malaysia last week for Raya, and that was good. So good, sometimes I wish I never have to come back.

I mean what is waiting for me in Sydney, anyway?

Before I went back, that was a different story. I was dating. Several guys. There were guys around, as usual. Kept me occupied for awhile. These men are just great. Some are great in more ways than one. So good, I don't want to stop. So great, they just seem too good to be true. So great, they came close to perfection.

But then again, here I am, back from Malaysia, back with the same guy. In essence, A LOT have changed, but also, nothing at all.

What do I mean? Take this for example. I am currently not at home, at 3am. Where, exactly? Running.

So, really, is ALL you need is love? Because, I've been making decisions based on this 'love' thing, and it's gotten me pretty much back to square one. Not improving. Not moving forward. Because I'm just so blinded by this thing you supposedly called love.

So then here I am again, questioning 'love' itself. One famous question always directed to me is, "Would you marry for love or money?"

For forever, and until now my answer is always the same: Money. Been getting alot of shit about this. But I always believe, love can be built. As long as things are stable.

So right now, I am defying myself against all odds. I am doing all this for love.

Yes, it is love that made me not be with one of those great guys.

Yes, it is love that made me stay. Even when I want to go.

Yes, it is love that made me go financially damaged, knowingly.

Yes, it is love that made me put up with this bullshit day by day.

Yes, it is love that made me cry instead of being angry.

Yes, it is love that makes up for the unhappiness of every day.

Yes, it is love that makes me want to stay, not for money, but for LOVE itself.

Yes, it is love that prevents me from hating the one person who has damaged me beyond all else.

Yes, it is love that puts me here where I am right now, instead of in my comfortable bed. Why? Because instead of asking him to leave my place, I left.

It is all LOVE.

So tell me, where is the rest?

Where is respect? For other people and for one self?

Where is appreciation?

Where is trust?

Most of all, where is hope?

I'm looking for all these things, but I can't find it. So tell me again, ALL you need is love? Because if that's true, then I'm doing the right thing. But how does abandoning basic values be right? Tell me how.

I tell you what, I was right the first time. Money is the way to go. Only, I am already in love. I'm already on one path. A path I'm attached to. A path I can't get off because I will lose a part of me if I do.

So maybe my only decision is: Is the part I lose going to be worth it?

Now I will tell you what I've done for you

50,000 tears I've cried

Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you

But you still won't hear me

Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself

Maybe I'll wake up for once

Not tormented daily, defeated by you

Just when I thought I've reached the bottom

So go on and scream

Scream at me, I'm so far away

I won't be broken again

I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under

LoVe~
MzP<3

Insatiable

Ramadhan is starting soon, and despite everything, I'm pretty excited. One month of fasting. It just appeals so much to me.

Talking about fasting reminds me of... fooooood. Mmmm.... Yum...

Right at the top of my head, Hurricane's lamb ribs. Oh. My. God. Kill me now if I never get those ribs again. They're like, the BEST ribs I've ever tasted in my life! An experience in Hurricanes is one experience I just cannot describe with normal everyday words.

Followed closely by Pancakes on the Rocks beef ribs. Yes, those ribs that actually melts in your mouth.

Then there's Tony Roma's ribs. OK, I'm saying Tony Roma's Malaysia. This ribs experience is soooo good that, hard as I try, I can NEVER forget the taste. I heard Tony Roma's Australia does not measure up though. Pity. But I'd keep it that way.

Next stop: Ribs and Rumps. I heard some stories about these ribs. And one day, they'll end up in my mouth, and down my throat... To every inch of my body. Hehe.

Yes, I love good food so much that I'd give up sex for the rest of my life if you could guarantee me good food for every meal, everyday for the rest of my life.

Don't even get me started on dessert.

Chocolate dessert. My mouth waters just at the thought of melting chocolate on cake or waffles or strawberries or marshmallows.


Alright, I'm going to stop now. Yes, I'm obviously hungry. Like so damn hungry.

I'm going to get food now. Not one of those mentioned above, sadly. Just normal, mundane everyday food. But like I say, if you taste something so good, how do you ever get back to something ordinary? Tell me how. How????


Well, as much as I'd hate to admit it, that applies to men as well. Yes, yes. Gimme a woot woot if you agree with that.

Double woot woot for me!


LoVe~
MzP<3

STOP

A month ago, I told some people, some friends, of the most dramatic thing that happened in my life. People I just met, people I barely knew. I lied.

The most dramatic part of my life didn't just happen this year, it happened all the way up to 7 years ago while I was still what you would call a preteen.

And also, I lied because I can never pinpoint it. I can never tell you the exact point that is the most dramatic. Mostly because they're all way way way dramatic.

Partly because there are some things you just wanna keep to yourself.

Today is one of those days. One of the worse ones. One that will haunt me for the rest of my life. The kind of 'dramatic' that even if you look back 50 years from now, wouldn't be even remotely funny.

So what is it?

Unfortunately, it's one of those that I'd keep to myself.


Other people looking in, in fact, most people, would have something to say about this. Things like, how this is wrong. Yes, the mark on my face is present, but it's only just a mark. Just a mark.

I know I'm a woman, but I can take care of myself. I don't need protection. And if I do, I'll ask for it.

I know. I know it's my fault for getting people involved. I know. I didn't mean to. I really didn't mean to.

And for God's sake, STOP telling me it's against the law in Australia. I know what I can or can't stand. And if I'm alright with it, the police can't do anything about it. So there. (Well, unless they can claim temporary insanity on me, in which case, is a different story altogether).

Deep down, I know it's wrong. But people make mistakes right? Damn, I make mistakes. And damn it if it's not partly my fault anyway, right?

They'd tell me to stop defending him. Stop? If I don't, who will?

So he did something wrong. I know he did. I accept that he did. And I've forgiven him.


Back off. Let me decide what I can and can't handle.


LoVe~
MzP<3

You've Got A Friend in Me

I've been here a week now.

Fabulous. Fun.

Family at last. I don't know, but in this one week, I've met more family than I've had in the past 5 years. And it's so great.

Sure, I miss everyone in Sydney. But it's just a matter of time before I get back there, and have another semester of fun and not studying. Oops.

So anyway, I'm not going on that exchange program. To the U.S. Yes, the one I've been wanting to do since last year. Just not my luck, you know?



So since I'm here. In Malaysia, home sweet home. I'd like to see my other friends. The ones who are here. The ones I haven't seen for years. Please call me. I'll make time for you, I promise. My number hasn't changed.

I wanna meet all of you. ALL of you. Even if I don't know you very well. Just give me a call OK?


LoVe~
MzP<3

Somewhere Out There

Remember a few posts go, I said I would be looking for 'The One' soon enough?

Well, guess what? I think it's time.

I am right now, ready for commitment. Yes, commitment.

Mr. Right.

I want eternity.

And we all know my criteria for a husband.

And you need to know is that the current guy I'm with does not fulfill the criteria. Not even the most important one.

So here's where I am. Not with him. Looking... for the right one.

No more playing around.

Seriously, when all things work against you and the person you're with, the only thing that could make it work is the two of you. And if one of you does not try to make it work, then what's the whole point? Remember, if you want something bad enough, the world would somehow give it to you.

I am just saying. I am currently available. Seeking long term relationship. With a good guy. No, make that, a great guy.

Eventhough we might be far, it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.

I know you're out there somewhere, cos I haven't found you yet.

And I'm saying a prayer, that we'll find one another in that big 'somewhere out there'.



LoVe~
MzP<3

P.S. This is me moving on. Please let me.

On My Way

I had fun during NCG. Granted, I didn't attend as many games as I would like, but I still had fun, given the circumstances.

I went to M. Night and that was pretty cool. Eventhough I was just a volunteer. And guess what was my job? Helping Eiman setting up the drums, and heavy lifting. No kidding. A guy's job. Because there weren't many guys to spare to do the job. Even the OZs were like, "That's a slave's job. Were are the boys?"

"Useless," that's what I said. Oh well.

So now I have a flight back to Malaysia in a couple of hours. The sucky thing is: My flight is not confirmed. I'm waitlisted. Although my dad said there are still a lot of seats, I still doubt I'd get a seat. Given my luck with flights, getting a seat would be considered heaven (Remember the 31 hours delay?).

So you guys back in Malaysia? See you in 10 hours or so. You guys in Sydney? See you in 2-3 weeks!!!

And my boyfriend? He's in Tasmania currently. Yes, holidaying without me. How fun is that?

Anyway I'm so scared going back to Malaysia. The swine flu thing. They just make such a big deal back about people flying in from Australia.

OK, gotta go now.



LoVe~
MzP<3>