Divine Fabulousness

Brain Stew

2011-08-18T03:52:00.001+10:00

Hey, it's halfway through fasting month already! Gosh, so sad to see it end soon...

There's something quite nice about fasting month. It gives you something to do with your days. And an excuse to eat with friends when the day ends. Also, it amazes me every single time, at how much self control we humans have when we put our minds to it. It's awesome! Would you know you could go so long without food or water if you never tried?

So, what's new with me? Nothing much, really. I've been a lot more active with my Twitter account lately. A little bit overdue though since I joined Twitter in 2007. Back when it was mostly SMS. That was cool! It was really cool getting people's updates through SMS. Although quite impossible these days since people we follow tend to be in the hundreds. It was more like 5 back then. :)

But then again, Twitter wasn't so popular back then. First, because most people I try to convince to get an account didn't see the point of telling people what they're doing 24/7. (Hah, I guess they've changed their minds, huh?) And second, smart phones didn't really exist back then, connection to internet is limited, so you update mostly using SMS. Of course, third, no celebrities were on Twitter yet. Haha.

After that, Twitter eliminated most of it's SMS functions. We don't get updates via SMS anymore. And I lost interest. So yeah, I just shut it out for about... 3.5 years? Wow. Now I'm baaack! Rejoice!

I'm having trouble trying to sleep
I'm counting sheep but running out
As time ticks by
And still I try
No rest for crosstops in my mind
On my own... here we go
My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
Fucked up and spun out in my room
On my own... here we go
My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine
My sense dulled
Passed the point of delerium
On my own... here we go

OK, so in the absence of sleep... I put myself here, to perhaps talk about something completely pointless. So I'm going to talk about... Hmm... What about... Brains? Hehe. (Disclaimer: I am not an expert, or trying to brag about what I know. Just feeling like sharing some knowledge. You know what the Dalai Lama said: "Share your knowledge, it's a way to achieve immortality." So feel free to read up more on it!) Here we go.

You know how they say you only use 10% of your brain or less? So then they make movies like Limitless, where there is a certain 'substance' engineered that can trigger the use of the rest of our brains. And we soak it up, thinking it could be possible, right? (Don't lie and say you don't daydream about having NZT-48! Hehe)

Well...

So, when they say we use less than 10% of our brains, what do you think happens to the other 90%? Just stay there, and do nothing? Lazing around?

Hardly. Because when they say we use only 10% of our brains, they actually mean, when we think. So no, the rest of our brain does not sit around doing nothing! Physical activity takes up space. And then there's the part that controls automatic things, like breathing and blinking. But the biggest part of our brain is allocated to our sight.

See, the homo sapiens probably is gifted with one of the most advanced eyesight in the world. And trust me, it doesn't come cheap. A huge portion of our brain actually has the task of receiving data from eyes, interpreting data received, arrange data into image, etc. And because our eyesight is so advanced, we need more space for it, than say, thinking. Remember optical images? When you look at an image on paper that seem to move, for example. Can you imagine what kind of work that part of our brain is doing right then? Amazing, huh?

So good news is, our brain is not lazing around, doing nothing... In fact almost the whole part of our brain is active almost all the time. Bad news? Drugs like NZT-48 in the movie Limitless could not, logically, exist. Because for extra thinking ability, we may need to give up our eyesight. Or breathing.

Now stop imagining you have that NZT thing, and start doing your work like you mean it! Haha. Oh and sorry for being the party pooper to your fantasies. :P

LoVe~
MzP<3

p.s. I was writing about the party I owed. But I guess out of respect of the month, I'll post it later on. Good night!

Defying Gravity

2011-07-25T03:28:00.004+10:00

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes: and leap!

I have graduated, bitches!!!

Finally!!!

I swear, when I found out, I was jumping. Literally jumping around the room like a crazy idiot. Thank God no one saw that! :S

So my officially graduation ceremony is in September. I'm looking forward to that. Getting a new dress for that, of course!

Right now I'm in KL. Ahhh... The comfortable life. It's getting harder and harder to go back to Sydney. But then again, it's what's good for me. I know if I stay here, my future is bleak. So to speak. I may marry a rich guy and never have to work. But perhaps, that's not what I want.

So here I am, defying gravity, living the hard life... Just to get to work. Wow, this sounds stupid. Haha.

It's time to try

Defying gravity

I think I'll try

Defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye

I am defying gravity

And you wont bring me down!

My flight is in 2 days. And I seriously don't know when I'll come back. Next month? Next year? If even at all.

I'm through accepting limits

''cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try, I'll never know!

So I'll be around. Just in a different country. The land of OZ? :P If I really know myself, I know I'll be back someday. Because I have my family here. And my friends...

So if you care to find me

Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately:

"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free

To those who'd ground me

Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am

Defying gravity

I'm flying high

Defying gravity

And soon I'll match them in renown

And nobody in all of Oz

No Wizard that there is or was

Is ever gonna bring me down!

Hehe. Don't miss me too much! Or if you do, there's Facebook, MSN, Twitter and everything else out there. Or you could always do the traditional way and call. :)

Lots of love, my dear beloved country. And see you soon!! :D

LoVe~

MzP<3

Gone

2011-06-04T23:57:00.001+10:00

Oh no, I told you I'd jinx it when I write about guys in here. Boo.

Yeah, I'm just losing interest in him. I guess I'm sick of good guys: Men who look good on paper. Much prefer bad boys, if you know what I mean.

My problem with good guys are, there's always something to hide, with them. There is something lurking behind those kind eyes, nice smile and neat hair. And I guess I'm sick of that.

And also I know for sure this time, I'm not ready. After everything, I realised I should not try to get a guy to commit when I don't really want it myself. So yeah. Single, and you've got to be pretty amazing to change that. :)

Saying that, hmm.. Perhaps I was too quick in saying what I said about white guys. And that's all you're going to get :P

Ergh, exams are coming soon. So right now, I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor, wrapped in my leopard print blanket, staring at my open text book (yeah, while writing my blog :P), pen in my hand. What I know is, when the inspiration and drive hits, I could study for 11 hours straight, non-stop. But when it doesn't, 11 minutes is a challenge. And right now, it's not hitting. Or at least not hard enough. (LOL, that's what she said, right?)

I'll tell you, I miss my friends. The ones back then I used to hang out with, who went home. I really miss them. Although I've got lots of new ones, they'll never replace the rest. Oh how I wish sometimes I see their faces around uni again, have coffee with them, gossiping, or just chilling in the Ubar after class. I'm talking about the ones who I may never see again, ever. I mean, I miss my Malaysian friends too, but see, I've got the rest of my life there. And sure as hell, I'm gonna make sure we'll be in each others' lives again.

And there are the rest. Like Jenda, John, Tiger, The Singaporeans (yes, they'd still be near-ish, but still how often do I go there?), Dittow, The Germans (Though they were only here for a semester!), Angelita, The Frenchies, Ingrid, Inneke, RA Joe, Katie and Becca, Kinan, Nina, Steph, Tuomas, Urvi, The Indians etc etc.

There's a thousand words that I could say

to make you come home.

Seems so long ago you walked away

and left me alone.

If I could just find a way

to make it so that you were right here right now...

Time is passing so slowly now

Guess that's my life without you

And maybe I could change my everyday

But baby I don't want to.

So I'll just hang around and find some things to do

to take my mind off missing you...

Baby why can't you see

that I need you here with me?

But the truth remains you're...

Gone.

You know what I feel like kicking myself for? Not taking more pictures!! (Mental kick in the ass!) Life is too short, hey? Don't make my mistake.

One good news: I may get to see Julie again in a few weeks. And life doesn't seem so bad anymore...=)

LoVe~

MzP<3

Shiver

2011-05-04T01:48:00.000+10:00

Winter is well on its way!

Been quite cold lately, rainy and wet and humid and cold. So I shiver. : )

Some things are looking up, and I'm quite happy.

I do believe I owe you another party. That's coming up, I haven't forgotten.

So guess what? I'll tell you.

Some days ago, my ex added me back on FB, wanting to be friends again. See, I'm friends with pretty much all my exes, never really hold on to bad stuff that transpired, and I kind of like that I am, mostly because I know the feelings are not there anymore, so why dwell on them, right? So why haven't I accepted him on FB? I don't know, really. Mostly because I don't trust FB: too much exposure. I guess I just have the thought; if he really wanted to be friends, he should have called/texted about catching up. I don't accept friend requests from people with questionable intentions (or you know, intentions I can't determine). I used to... Learned from that mistake! I'm not saying he's a bad person (I dated the guy remember?) but I reckon I should know for sure that he really wants to be friends and not just trying to find out what I've been up to.

Finished my cookies!! Aww... Was supposed to make some with Dee when she came, but we never got around to it. Made some last week instead. For you, Dee!! (Sorry you didn't get any...)

Right now, I'm writing in my diary at the same time. I don't know how I'm managing it, seems like so much work for one night! I'm already an hour past me intended bedtime tonight.. : (

Alright, I'm finally coming out with it... Remember me saying that I may be ready to settle down? I think I may have found the person to finally do it with. Like always, I never like to give it away, you know, not jinx it. This time, though, I really do like him. It's been roughly a month and abit that things kinda started. I wouldn't go around professing my undying love or anything like that. Still taking things slow, steady. But I tell you one thing, he does make me smile.

Cause I shiver
I just break up
When I'm near you
It all gets out of hand
Yes I shiver
I get bent up
There's no way that
I know you'll understand

He's not here right now. In another country. And before he left, he said he's gonna miss me. And that just about killed me. Waiting is not my strong point, I just hate waiting more than anything... And it's worse now. But I know there's no one else. I told him I'll be here when he gets back. And I will.

... No he's not white. Or Malay. LOL.

What if you get off at the next stop
Would you just wave as I'm drifting off
If I never saw you again
Could I keep all of this

Inside

Am I happy? Yes, I'd say so.

Now I'd better hit the sack. Sleep seems better than hearing sappy old love songs on Youtube. Haha.

LoVe~

MzP<3

I Write Sins Not Tragedies

2011-04-06T01:04:00.000+10:00

Alright, maybe it has been abit too educational. Let's have fun a little, hey?

Yes, yes, I do party quite abit in my years in Sydney. And there may or may not be rumors and things about how wild are the parties I go to. See, the reason I never wrote about them before, was to avoid misunderstandings and speculations about my life here.

So I would like to maintain that my life here in Sydney is about studying. Granted, that has gone through some ups and downs, but it's still the main thing. And my degree comes first, always.

I just know how to have fun. Winding down, getting rid of the stress, whatever you call it. I do it well :)

Oh, and just do be clear, I do not drink alcohol. Yesh, boring me not touching the stuff. And I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want to read further knowing my adventures are not of drunken misdeeds, foolishness and embarrassments. I warned you, my parties are not too crazy. And yet, not a BBQ with the relatives either, if you know what I mean. First of all, all of my other friends drink. And when they become crazy, I kind of join in the fun too. You know, I just usually am of sound mind and know when to stop. Boriiing. LOL.

I don't really hangout with Malaysians though. A few, yes, but usually not. Why not? Well, because I have experience with the crowd, they judge and then they gossip. I've got enough after high school experience to know this. And perhaps I'm being unfair, putting them all in one basket, but see, I've got to choose, they make me choose. It's either them or the rest of the community. I wish they'd join me sometimes.

So yes, some of the best and memorable parties I've had. Man, they're good. Not because of the wildness. I'll put in some wildness, but not too much, alright?

It's much better to face these kinds of things

with a sense of poise and rationality

Number one on list: There was this Halloween cruise in 2009 by MUV that I went to. Dressed up as a Catwoman (with a WHIP!! :P). As in, Halle Berry Catwoman. The cruise was so-so. Whatever. But after the cruise, a bunch of guys were talking about an afterparty. Deepak told me to come, with Joe and them. So I went. Night was still young, really.

What we did was, we walked around looking for a liquor store, then went back to an apartment of a guy named Armin (Dude, first time I met the guy. And to this day, I don't know where he's from!) He has one of those apartments with big, superhuge windows and killer views of the harbour. So we put on music, turned lights down, and did stupid stuff like play Guitar Hero and sing at the top of our voices and jump around and give massages (in our Halloween costumes! LOL). I think there was around 20 of us or so. Including a few German girls. Guess we got bored, when someone, (might or might not be Joe), suggested we move the party somewhere. Somewhere with an even better view. So they packed up their beers and we took the elevator to a higher floor, and snuck into the pool area. By this, I mean we climbed over the gate, costumes and all!

The view from the balcony, (and I kid you not) was the Opera House on the right, and the Harbor Bridge on the left. It was epic! We took like a million photos. They drank their beers. We didn't touch the pool, until Ali, big guy, proceeded to pick me up and toss me into the pool, costume and all. Cold water! That was the cue. Everyone else took off their clothes (in underwear: don't go imagining stuff here!) and went into the big warm sauna... with their beers... in direct view of the security cameras.

Security came in after around 30 mins, to kick us out. But then they made a deal. He said, they saw how many of us were in the pool, so they'll open the bar for us. This was at 2am in the morning! So, excitedly, we got out, dried off (I had to borrow Armin's GF's clothes because mine was drenched), and went to the fancy bar. They were drinking shots and all those stuff.

But of course, no party is ever complete without a big McDonald's meal. After hours at the bar, playing drinking games, and millions of shots later, we all walked to Macca's (me with my whip, of course) and got ourselves really good food. Man, to this day, I'd say they were the best fries I'd ever tasted.

See, not too crazy right? Wait for it.

This calls for a toast, so pour the champagne!

Next party is coming up. Will write later.

LoVe~

MzP<3

Heal the World

2011-04-05T00:53:00.001+10:00

Dude.

Good news, depression over!!! I don't know, just woke up one morning feeling pretty happy and glowing all over. Which doesn't make sense since my problems now are more than ever. But yeah. (Perhaps there's a problem right there that I should check out. Too weird.)

So today I had the best vegetarian meal EVER. San is doing lent, so she doesn't eat meat (on weekdays only, but don't ask me why), so we eat vegetarian stuff. And today she cooked Red Bean Chilli with rice, and it's soooooo good.

I also made scones today. Cute little ones in shapes. Alright, I was kinda bored... And craving scones. They turned out nice and soft... Guess I did something right. :)

My appetite returned, too. I've been eating like a pig lately!

So. Wanna learn something?

I was reading about the Gaia Hypothesis the other day (Pay attention, this is the 'theory' applied to the movie Avatar, you know). If you're familiar with Greek mythology, you'd know that Gaia is mother earth. She pretty much is the mother to all of the Greek Gods. So that's where the name of theory came from. A guy called Lovelock came up with the hypothesis and wrote a book on it back in the 70's (I think).

Basically, the theory is that the Earth, and everything in it, is one large organism. Like, the only reason the Earth supports life (as opposed to other planets), is because the life on it actually supports each other, and made the Earth a livable place. In the book Lovelock wrote, he put across studies and data that actually shows that the Earth should be a very unstable planet. The gas combination, for example, could actually be quite an impossible combination in itself. But somehow, it works, because of all of Earth's content working together, complimenting each other. Kind of like an equilibrium. One of the evidence is that although the heat from the sun increases with time, the overall temperature of Earth stays more or less constant since the Earth first exists. Interesting huh? He made a model called 'Daisyworld' to show what he meant. Read about it, very interesting!

Of course there are lots of arguments against the theory. As of course, there should be. One of the arguments would be on the definition of an 'organism', which really, is not quite confirmed over the years.

Either way, one thing we should remember is that we are all part of an organism. Like an organ in a person's body that does certain work. There would be, and should be a purpose we are here, just like every other organ that exists. The Gaia hypothesis actually states that any living organism on Earth that helps in the Earth's survival is more likely to survive than organisms that destroys the environment.

And to think that humans are cocky enough to think we, the homo sapiens, would survive forever just because we are 'cleverer' than animals or plants. Dude. Open your eyes. Our species are are still young, relatively. Don't be stupid enough to think the Earth won't someday wipe us out just because we don't know how to keep the equilibrium going. I personally think it's not impossible. With all these diseases and disasters going on, would it not seem to you that some warning is on us already?

And after that, I came across the PETM. PETM stands for Paleocene-Eocene Thermal Maximum.The PETM is a period wayyy back 50 million years ago or so, when the Earth went through really bad global warming (a sudden rapid rise in temperature), hence 'Thermal Maximum'. It affected most things on Earth, like the ecosystem. Alot of theories are proposed as to why it happened. Maybe a few big volcanoes erupting all at once (which produces a huge amount of CO2)? Maybe a few big meteors hit Earth? Gosh, no one really knows for sure. Important thing is, it is not impossible that Earth could go through massive global warming. Happened once, could happen again right?

So what happened was that the Earth healed itself within some thousands of years. (It's considered to be a relatively short period of time, really compared to how long carbon stays in the modern atmosphere) Back to equilibrium. Great right? Yep sure. Awesome, I'd say. Only thing is, if the same thing happens to us now, it is very very doubtful that the Earth would heal itself within the same time frame. (Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yes, not too long until some Hollywood person makes a movie out of this, I'm sure.) And I'm pretty sure the overly 'clever' human beings are not genetically able to adapt to such situations in such a short period. We are a young species after all.

But on another note, it is said most mammals evolved as a result of this PETM (Well, to be fair, some thousands of years after it, but you know, close enough). Poetic ain't it if what creates us would be same thing that destroys us?

My little conclusion would be that evidence points out that if we want our species to survive, we better start supporting the environment rather than destroy it. If not, we're looking at only a few million years on this Earth, which is super short, barely a blip in the universe. And that is of our entire species. Dude!

After all, who'd want an organ that destroys us rather than help us function? Not me!

So in Micheal Jackson's words, Heal the World!!

And The Dream We Were Conceived In
Will Reveal A Joyful Face
And The World We Once Believed In
Will Shine Again In Grace
Then Why Do We Keep Strangling Life
Wound This Earth, Crucify Its Soul
Though It's Plain To See
This World Is Heavenly
Be God's Glow

LoVe~
MzP<3

Kaleidoscope

2011-03-24T08:19:00.000+11:00

Yes, I have not blogged in awhile. It's the internet problem I mentioned before. It sucks.

Although, I've also been seeking refuge in my diary alot more than in my blog these days. Not because of the privacy, really, but more because... there's something in writing with a pen on nice crisp paper, than typing away on the computer. It just is not too conducive as a creative outlet, you know?

It really has been only 6 weeks or so since I wrote the last blog post. Still, quite abit has changed. For starters, we're moving out soon. Out of Lane Cove : ( We didn't really have a choice though.

And something totally funny: I already have a wedding date. Yes, I do. And, well, my whole wedding is planned out, right down to the flowers, and the colour of my dress (Which in my culture, is not traditionally white). The venue is pretty much decided too. Yay me.

Wanna know the funny thing though? In that beautiful, gorgeous big wedding planned out, there is no groom. As in, I don't even have a prospective husband in sight yet. Not even a... wait for it... boyfriend. Welcome to my life! Minor detail right? LOL

Just wish me luck for my impending wedding date: I'm going to need it! Oh don't worry, it's not till next year. (OK, I do realise that's fairly soon, but let's pretend it's not that bad. You know how 1 month before an exam still feel ages away? Yes, and I do realise I just compared my marriage to an exam. Ergh, kill me now.)

You know what has been driving me crazy?? Whenever I go back home, people keep on asking me whether I have a mat salleh (or white) boyfriend. Like, seriously. What is the big deal with white people? They're normal people, like the rest of us. I mean, if you stayed here for abit, you'd realise not all white Australians look like Hugh Jackman, or Sam Worthington,or Ryan Kwanten. And the ones that do, may not even be worth fighting for.

Also, not being racist or anything, I am just not attracted to white men. If he has blond hair, even less so. I'm just one of those 'Tall, dark and handsome' kind of girl. And when I tell my friends I'm not attracted to white guys, they'd automatically think I only date Malays. See, in this world, there are more than just Malay guys and white guys. And if I don't prefer white guys, doesn't mean I don't prefer any other men in the world. Like Latinos, and blacks and middle easterns. Man, they hot.

OK, it's not like I don't like Malay men. The guy I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with is probably (and preferably) Malay. And I'm more than alright with that.

Although what's worrying is what San said. She said that she has seen alot of pretty Malay girls, but never actually met a good-looking Malay guy. She also said the only Malay guy she knew that was good-looking was mixed (a white parent). The thing is, I did try to prove her wrong... but given my history of ex-boyfriends, I don't have much to say there (Really, one of them's an actor, and even he is not all that good-looking). Then I tried to think of the best place to find handsome guys: celebrities (you know, movie stars and models), and I can't think of one that is truly good-looking. I mean, Hans Isaac is not exactly Malay, is he? And yeah, the rest are mixed.

Oh it hits me now. THAT'S why you guys are so obsessed with white people: because really, the Malays we know that are very good-looking, they're all mixed (probably with white, right?). Ergh.

Seriously, help me prove San wrong, will ya? And give me a name of a Malay guy that is very good-looking. Someone not mixed, please?

And really my friends, alot of people worldwide do think Malay girls are gorgeous. I have friends who talk about their friends' Malay girlfriends with envy, no joke. So seriously, if that boyfriend of yours don't appreciate you, guess what? There are plenty more fish in the sea. Or across the seas. :)

So why am I so intent on having my 'Happily Ever After' with a Malay guy, then? That's easy. Because essentially who they are, and what's in their hearts, appeal to me more than their looks. Also generally, culture-wise, I know I'll be alot more comfortable with a Malay guy. Still not being racist or anything, promise!

I do realise this post could be interpreted differently than what I intend it to. I seriously do not mean to cause any harm, or to insult anyone in particular. Or even any race in particular. Especially white guys... Really, I don't see anything wrong with them, the heart just wants what it wants OK? Haha. And saying that, I have gone out with dates with some of them, just never interested in going past that.

I guess what I have to say (although it's seriously concealed) is that it doesn't really matter if I ultimately have a white boyfriend, or a Malay boyfriend, or a Latino boyfriend, or a black boyfriend. What really matters is what's in their hearts, and who they are as a person right? Gosh, now I sound preachy. Whatever. As long as you don't think I'm inferior to the girl who does have a white BF. It's a choice, people. Really.

LoVe~

MzP<3

What's My Age Again?

2011-01-28T18:44:00.000+11:00

Nobody likes you when you're 23

And you still act like you're in freshman year

What the hell is wrong with me?

My friends say I should act my age

What's my age again?

Oh our place in Lane Cove is wonderful... Just wonderful!

Alright, I haven't blogged because we still don't have internet yet. And it sucks!!! Problem with our telephone wiring :-(

So anyways! I am back in Sydney, doing Summer school, having a nice time. I'm living with San now, and have I told you our place is awesome? Haha. We cook dinner, and hangout. I don't have to walk 10 mins to see her anymore. Heeee.

And yes, my birthday has passed. Oh, that wasn't so nice anymore. I guess you get to a certain age where you wouldn't want to celebrate being another year older anymore... And I'm there. *Shudder*

And the New Year came in wonderfully. And did you know 2011 will be the year of the Rabbit? Yep, it's my year! All I know is, the year of the Tiger is almost over, and I can finally breathe. That was an awful year.

Oh and what of my resolution(s)? Let's say I get to keep some, and broke some. But oh well. That's life. But mostly I got to last 6 months at least! And that's quite an achievement on my part.

Let's see...

"I will try to date a guy that my mom approves of. Which is hard, and almost impossible, but I will try really hard." FAIL!

"I will continue to resist alcohol. I will not drink. I will not taste it. And I will not be convinced by my friends to have some." WIN! but I did accidentally drink some.. but it doesn't count!

"I will study. Extremely hard to do, but I will. From week 1." FAIL!

"I will get a job. Something good, since it's my last year in uni, I can get something pretty good. I hope." FAIL! but I did do volunteer work.

"(This resolution is not written here because it's private and personal, but don't worry, it's something good. And Dee, don't laugh!!!)" FAIL!

"I will organize a big reunion. Honestly, I have no idea how I'm going to do this, but I am." WIN!

"I'm going to lose at least 3 kg, and maintain that weight! Which means, continue exercising. And go on healthy diets. No more crash diets." WIN! for most part of the year anyways. Maybe not 3 kg...

"I'm going to continue being a vegetarian. Super challenging, but obtainable. (I will not be a vegetarian if it results in wastage, since I'm doing it for the environment anyway)" FAIL! Lasted for 6 months though.

"I'm going to party less. I'm not 21 anymore. Got to be more responsible." HAHAHAHA. (Really, you have to ask?)

Yeah, I failed most of them. HAHA. Oh well. I can't believe I wanted to party less. That's just inconceivable.

This year, I just have one resolution: To have FUN!!! And do stuff in my bucket list. (Yes, I'm having a quarter life crisis)

OK, and maybe fall in love... Maybe.

And trust me, It's going to be EPIC.

No one should take themselves so seriously

With many years to fall in line

Why would you wish that on me?

I never want to act my age

What's my age again?

LoVe~

MzP<3

Semi Charmed Life

2010-12-21T06:27:00.002+11:00

I am in KL, in Coffee Bean at the moment.

Ahhh... This is the life...

...Or so would be the line in my thoughts usually. But not today. Today, or this time, is different. I do not enjoy this late night rendezvous as much as I would have, ordinarily. After all what's the second thing you miss about KL, after the food? Late night hangouts, right? Like, I would never get to do this in Sydney. Well, by 'this' I mean sitting in a place that's not a bar, with a friend, on a weeknight.

So why am I not content here anymore? I don't know, really. Perhaps it's because Sydney has came to be my home more than I would like to admit. Don't get me wrong, I love Sydney. Like, LOVE. But I didn't come from there. I didn't grow up there. So why the hell am I more comfortable there? It's not supposed to happen.

You know what made me realise this? When I started enjoying salty popcorn more than sweet ones at the cinema. I mean, really. And I hated salty popcorn!! What's wrong with me. I reckon it's the ultimate sign that Sydney is taking over. Oh no!

And as per, I don't have friends in Malaysia. It's something that's proven again and again. Gosh, what's with these people and their problem with keeping in touch? And I thought I was bad. Oh well, I don't care too much. It's quite abit refreshing going to the gym and not knowing three quarters of the people, and the staff too. At least I know I won't run into an ex-boyfriend. Or an ex-crush. Or worse, an ex-hook up (Not that it happens alot 0:) )

Alright, maybe I should update on my life, and not just display stupid random thoughts.

I just got a new phone!! Yes, finally. It's a super cool Windows Phone 7. Yeah, before you say anything bad about it, I'll say I love it and do not believe every bad review you read. It's no Android, I know. But it trumps the iPhone and Blackberry anyday. Hah.

I'm reading The Last Symbol by Dan Brown. Yeah, I just started. I know it came out ages ago. But I was too busy reading classics. They're wayyy awesome.

Ummm... I am kind of, sort of seeing someone. *Blushes* See, it's just starting. And it's not serious. And I haven't really told anyone yet, because it may not work out. But yeah, I am being monogamous (Or trying really hard to be), because I want to actually try to make it work. Which means I don't want to be the one who screws it up. Who is he? That's a secret I'll never tell. Or at least not until I'm ready to. As usual, my fear of commitment is eating me up. Ergh.

I've put on weight. Blame it on the food. As we all know, Malaysian food is soooooo good! And I can't stop eating! Even an everyday workout at the gym doesn't help. :-S But I do appreciate it if you don't comment about my weight the next time you see me. Thank you! Oh don't worry, I'll lose it all in a week when I go back to Sydney.

My results. Oh yes, I haven't been telling anyone about it, because I expected better. But oh well, there's always next semester right? I got Credit for all subjects. Nothing to show off for. Like I said, I expected better.

Oh, and I just got back from PD. Spontaneously decided to go literally an hour before, on Saturday, right after the gym. Packed my bags, and off I went for the weekend. Had fun! Just got back yesterday. Will do it again!!

AND I'm going to Singapore soon. Yay me!

Finally, I have officially moved out of the Village. Staying off campus next semester. Sandrine found a place for us, and I can't wait to start living there. So come visit us some time. :-)

So yeah, that's pretty much it. Not much else. Like I said, I'm in KL now. Call/FB/SMS/MSN/Skype me if you wanna hangout before I go back to Sydney.

Still living life like it means everything and nothing at the same time. :-)

I believe in the sand beneath my toes,
The beach gives a feeling,
An earthy feeling,
I believe in the faith that grows,
And the four right chords can make me cry,
When I'm with you I feel like I could die.
And that would be all right,
All right

LoVe~
MzP<3

Mine

2010-12-20T22:17:00.001+11:00

I've gotta credit this one song for making me want to be in a relationship again. You know, to fall in love and be happy together and get married and have kids.

And of course, that song is Taylor Swift's Mine. Not just the song, really. More like the video clip.

So yes, finally Zue wants a relationship again. Approaching slowly though. I know it's not easy to get rid of the fear of commitment. It'll take some time yet. AND there's the deal with finding the right guy. Sigh... So much work!

I'm not saying I'll get a boyfriend tomorrow. I'm just saying I'm ready to do the work... to make it work. So here I am saying I'm going to stop running away from something more. But what am I scared of anyways? I dunno. A million things, and nothing at the same time.

I was a flight risk... with a fear of flying
Wondering why we bother with love when it never lasts

Wish me luck! xoxo

LoVe~
MzP<3

It's Raining Men

2010-11-03T17:23:00.000+11:00

Years ago, maybe 5, maybe 10, I was a little teenage girl who's really into reading those little teenage books with teenage drama. There were so many of them, and I've read so many, I can't even begin to count.

And of course, as a teenage girl, I understood. I took examples from the stories when they make sense, and I apply them to my life, when they are applicable.

So one of those books, there was this pretty teenage girl in high school. She's popular and pretty... and pretty much similar to most characters in those books. At one point, in the hundreds of books she's featured in, she had 3 guys in her life. Guy number one is a handsome blond haired quarterback who just broke up with his long term girlfriend. Guy number two is a kind hearted green eyed quarterback from another school. And guy number three is a strong-jawed, good-looking, eccentric champion swimmer who's also very smart. And of course these 3 guys are really hot, being athletic and all.

So pretty much, the story goes that she couldn't choose between them. And when it fails with one, the next guy steps in. And then, hanging with one guy, the next guy would ask her out. After which, she got upset, and she would mope around not being able to decide.

So one day, while seeing the swimmer, the nice guy asked her to accompany her to a sports award thing, so she went. There, to her surprise, all 3 guys were present, and the other two came with hot dates as well. She was a little devastated. When the smart swimmer guy, saw her looking distressed, talked to her and asked, "Who do you really want?"

She looked around the room at all the three guys, and said, "I don't know."

So this guy looked at her, gave a little amused smile, and said, "Have you ever thought of being single?"

That story, I can't get out of my head lately. That story is why I am single right now. Because frankly, I couldn't choose. I still can't. And I'm happy staying single, rather than hurt someone I don't want to, unintentionally.

What does San call them? Suitors? lol. I'd hardly think they are one of those suitors trying to win a princess's hand in marriage or anything like that. But yeah San thinks everything is a fairytale, that's why I love her. :-)

So yes, the only problem I'm having right now is, I'm still hurting some people by simply staying single. I don't understand anymore. So right now, I'm supposed to choose, or not? But what if I can't? What if I just simply don't want to?

As you guessed, the only song that fits this blog entry:

'Cos tonight for the first time
At just about half past ten
For the first time in history
It's gonna start raining men

It's raining men
Hallelujah it's raining men, Amen
I'm gonna go out
I'm gonna let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet

It's raining men
Hallelujah it's raining men
Every specimen
Tall blond dark and mean
Rough and tough and strong and lean

LoVe~
MzP<3

Wow

2010-09-19T04:03:00.000+10:00

So I met someone.

And all I can say is... Wow.

LoVe~
MzP<3

I Love The Way You Lie

2010-06-28T04:02:00.000+10:00

Hmm...

England just got defeated by Germany 4-1.

Australia just got a new PM. A female PM.

I just got back from Penang.

I would think these are at the top of my list of current happenings at the moment. LOL.

I miss Sydney. The weather, my friends. My life. My people. My place.

I've been single for 7 months now. Wow. Longest time ever! I'm still loving it. Every minute. But why though? I do realise that most people are scared of change. In relationships, even more so. So most single people I know, would remain single. And the people in relationships would continue seeking relationships when one fails. Unless there is a traumatising experience in there somewhere. Then they change.

I wonder why sometimes. I wonder why I'm sooo far removed from relationships these days. I avoid it quite abit. Maybe my last few relationships had a bigger negative impact on my life than I care to admit. Yes, yes, I'm never seen as the victim. But why is it this time, I'm the one who is so scarred that I can't imagine myself in another full on long term relationship?

I do think, if I find the right guy, I would want a relationship with him. But wait, I did crush on someone, and would want a relationship with him, but in every scenario in my head, it has always been of me telling him right from the start that I don't want anything too serious. I just can't do it anymore.

When I think of relationships these days, it's of fights, and insecurity and screaming and pain and depression. While I used to not live without it, I can't imagine myself being in it anymore. I have a tendency of being in abusive relationships too. And come to think of it, eventhough I can remember my early childhood experiences, sometimes in technicolor detail, I do forget most of my years in a relationship. You know, the way your body forget certain pain just because it is too much? Maybe I just sub-consciously push it so far back in my head. Either way, who knows?

No, I do not wnat to be in a relationship now, or in the near future. But if I am, I assure you, it's because I really like that guy. Or maybe even because he's the one. No more dating just anyone. I will be sooo picky on the next person, until I find my Pegasus. And until then, I would enjoy my single life to the limit.

Or maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe it's just because I'm hanging out with Westerners alot more and I'm just absorbed into their culture.

One thing about abusive relationships though. I have seen it, and been in it. It's not pretty. I know what it feels quite well. I do thank God it never got too bad. Bad enough, though. It is painful. not so much physically, but more mentally. I have never been strong enough to leave. Instead I would start a path of self-destruction. I would probably start cheating or something like that. It's my only defense mechanism. Knowing it will hurt him someday when he finds out. Fuck, it's wrong. The most wrong thing to do in a relationship: hurting each other until finally one lets go because they've had enough. I know very well, I should just leave. But seriously, when you love someone so much that you spend most of your time with him, and planned your future with him, and stopped doing anything fun with your friends because he's not there, letting go is hard. What's a few bruises right, comparing to everything both of you has invested? And he's promised to never ever do it again. He cried. He begged. He told you he loves you and will never let you go.

And I'm speaking for all those who are or were in abusive relationships. When he begs and promises yet again, we find that tiny tiny spark of hope that it would be true this time. After all, you've never met a guy who loves you as much as he does. And then there's all that passion. If your fight is that bad, passion is high most probably everywhere else too. And how do we let go of that passion? Beats me. I still have yet to figure it out.

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that’s alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that’s alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie

LoVe~

MzP<3

Until I Find You

2010-06-06T00:14:00.000+10:00

I just want my camera back!!

It's a silver Lumix in a red casing.

I lost it in the Ubar on a Thursday night.

And while I'm writing about cameras,

I would also want my pink Sony Cybershot T2!

I lost it in a taxi in Dubai, way back in December.

And can I please have them with all my pictures back? They kinda mean alot to me.

So if you see anyone around uni using a silver Lumix in a red casing, or if someone is asking you for a Lumix camera battery charger, please please ask them about the camera? Thank you so so so much.

LoVe~

MzP<3

All You Need is Love

2010-06-05T05:22:00.004+10:00

It's that time of the semester again.

You know, when the stoners put away their weed.

And the drunkards do not buy more beer.

And the party-ers stay home on Thursday, Friday AND Saturday nights.

Finals.

Honestly, no matter how bad of a reputation you have in uni, or how wild everyone perceive you to be, I'm pretty sure this is the most terrifying part of the semester for you. It's like life halts to a stop. When the nerds become nerdier. And the rest just shake in fear, and wish they were nerds in the first place.

It's the time Gavin does not come out of his room. At all. Not even to go to the gym. O.O

And for me?

I'm the one in denial. While everyone else is in the library the whole day and camping outside at nights (to ensure they get seats in the morning), I'm at home. Sleeping. For some reason, I don't freak out. Nono, not because I'm prepared. (Helloooo, have you seen my partying pics on FB?) And not because it doesn't matter to me either. It's just... I don't know. It's like I have some kind of freedom from worry or something. Which is bad!

Right now, it's almost 5am. I'm not sleeping yet. Because I couldn't sleep, not because I was studying. And it's annoying. My insomnia this past few months has been horrifying. Falling asleep takes forever. And if I fall asleep too easily, it can be guaranteed I'll wake up 2 hours later, not being able to fall back asleep until, say 7am. It's just annoying.

I never study anyway. It's like this thing. My thing. I don't always get away with it. And when I don't, it's just disastrous. But see, I get away with it too many times. Back in boarding school, after I get my results, my friends usually say, "Wow, I never see you study!!"

It's a blessing I guess. And a curse as well. Because I get very much broken when things go wrong as a result of it. So yeah, you might be thinking, wow, if I don't study my results are still alright, I would get amazing results if I DO study. Nope, not the case. You know the saying that goes, you only need 10% of your effort to reach 90%, but you'll need the 90% to reach the next 10%. Or something like that. That's just the thing. I only put 10% in everything. Because 90% is good for me. Hell, it's amazing. LOL. Just kidding.

Actually, I would put it on luck. I am a lucky person, enough said. The little I do remember from classes would get tested in exams. I would win small prizes in scratchies. I would be arranged to sit the same table with my crush at a big formal dinner. My chances to win in a bet are high. Just lucky. Granted, the rain does not stop for me. And there are days when everything goes wrong. But I go through months or years where the good things far outweigh the bad. No, life is not easy, I give you that. I'd say, it is overall, pleasant.

Only one thing though. I cannot do something wrong. Which means that, every single time I do wrong - say, deliberately lie to bring someone down, or maybe steal, or cheat on exams, or just hide something I shouldn't, or not listen to my mom - I would get punished for it, pretty bad. Not that I would do any of the above mentioned anyway. :P

However 2010 has not been one of those exceptionally lucky years. I have to work for my luck abit more. So yeah, I'd better sleep now so I can study tomorrow. Wish me luck!

By the way, San and I signed up to volunteer for Daffodil Day on the 27th of August. We will be in Mac Centre from 9-5 spreading awareness of cancer, and selling stuff you can buy to donate a lil' for the cause. Check it out here: http://www.daffodilday.com.au/ I will see you there!!

There's nothing you can make that can't be made.

No one you can save that can't be saved.

Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you

in time - It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,

All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

LoVe~

MzP<3

Magnificent Beauty

2010-05-22T05:14:00.000+10:00

My favourite colour is pretty much common knowledge. If you didn't know let me give you a hint:

http://fuckyeahpink.tumblr.com/

But I'll bet you did not know my other favourite things. Like my second favourite colour (that's a hard one to guess, really). Or my favourite flower. Or my favourite song of all time. Or my favourite word. Or just my favourite food?

I'll tell you one thing then. No, I'll show you.

My favourite flower:

The Calla Lily. In my opinion, the most beautiful flower ever. It's beauty is in its simplicity. In its pureness. Its curve. I love it. It is also, unfortunately, pretty hard to get. Also pretty expensive.

Surprisingly my favourite flower is not the extravagant rose. Or maybe something sweet like daisies. But calla lilies attract me so much.

You know how roses have thorns? Bet you didn't know that calla lilies are poisonous. No, not just their stems, like roses, but every part of the plant. Yes including the flowers. And somehow that attracts me more. Knowing they are dangerous in all their simple beauty. And we're not talking a prick on a finger either. Poison.

And this I just found out. Their scientific name is Zantedeschia. Yes, it starts with a Z. My initial. How awesome is that?

The flower itself means 'magnificent beauty'.

*sigh*

LoVe~

MzP<3

Airplanes

2010-05-15T15:29:00.000+10:00

Today will be a pretty good day. Tomorrow would be great! Actually this is a pretty awesome weekend when I think about it.

On thing to celebrate: My luck has returned!!!!!!!!! OMG this is by far the best news in a looooong time. Oh, don't worry, I didn't have to kiss anyone to get it back.

Although things are still not as good as I would like it to be, it's turning around. I am a lot more happier. I am a LOT more healthier, that's for sure. And my depression is gone!

Turns out one of the BEST cure for depression I've ever come across, is to lose myself in pretty pictures. You know, pictures of things that are so pretty they make your hair rise and your toes curl. They make you forget about everything else for a moment, and truly make you believe the world is such a beautiful place that anything bad does not exist. (Or even if they do exist, they're not as bad anymore)

Try it: So Very Pretty!

I've spent hours and hours on the site, and every time, I'm transported to a place so beautiful I don't want to get out. I tell you (eventhough it sounds wayyy cliched) that everytime on the site, I thank God for every bad thing, and everything I had suffered for, because it makes me appreciate the world's beauty that much more. Love!!

Speaking of all this love and happiness and fairytale stuff, I wonder...

Sorry, that was just a moment. Moving on.

OMG I'm going to Melbourne right after my exams. No, we're not talking a week after. No, we're not talking a few days after. No, we're not even talking the next day. We're talking the same day my exam ends! No kidding. And soon after arriving, first destination: clubs!! We're talking, arrive, get picked up, and go clubs. Yes, we're awesome like that. Haha.

And then, get back to Sydney, and flyyy back to Malaysia the day after. Yay! Gosh, I love airplanes and flights and airports. I like all about them. Their smell, and the lighting and all the people in colourful uniforms. I even don't mind airplane food. What can I say, I grew up with them. Traveling has become a part of me over the years. For me, it's always the promise of it all. When you pack, and get ready, and get out of the house. When you get to the airport, you feel it. The anticipation. The promise of adventures or very familiar sights. Just knowing that when you get out of that plane, you're somewhere else entirely. It's the promise of people waiting for me.I would be alright if my job gets me to travel everyday. In fact I would love that.

And for the last thing I saved... my confession. I am having a crush on someone. Yes, someone. And that's all you're getting from me. But I could really use a wish right now. And this year, I just have 2 wishes: to graduate with good results. And him.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky

Are like shooting stars?

I could really use a wish right now.

Wish right now.

Wish right now...

LoVe~

MzP<3

TiK ToK

2010-05-04T05:31:00.000+10:00

Today a guy told me: I broke up with my girlfriend last week. And then I realized I'd rather be with you than her.

Well. Why would someone put that much pressure on you? It's so hard for me when it comes to that.

Is he hot? Yeah, considerably. Is he fun? I would say so. So what's the problem? Problem is, he's a friend. I do not go out with friends. I can't like them.

So far 2010 has been good. More toned down, as in less partying. Less stupid young stuff. But it's been awesome all the same. And the big thing is, I've kept some of my New Year's resolutions. It's May, impressive right? I am proud of myself. Hehe.

The best part of it all? I am happy. Right now I would say I'm pretty depressed. But it's the happiest depressed state I've ever been in. Being happy even when depressed. Wow. Life must be good ey? Haha.

Bad news: My housemates are all boys now. Ugh.

Good news: Like a million friends!!

Life is moving on. I am truly happy, happier than I've ever been in a loooong time. I've been single for 7 months now... and loving it! I'm doing so good in uni, they claim I'm sleeping with the lecturer ;) Well, I won't admit I'm a nerd!! I've gone on adventures. Plenty spontaneous ones. Plenty awesome friends too! And yet time moves on, and moves and moves. Trust me this is going to be legendary!

My only regret is that I haven't been hanging out more with my Malaysian friends. Just, you know, not feeling it since most of them has left. I should try harder though. Circumstances don't allow it too much, but.

Signing out, loving life. As laid back, adventurous, crazy and spontaneous as it is. I wouldn't give it up for the world!

So sue me.

Now, the party don't start 'til I walk in

Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no

LoVe~
MzP<3

Robot-ic

2010-03-09T22:24:00.000+11:00

LoVe~
MzP<3

Guy on TV

2010-03-02T04:46:00.001+11:00

I wish for you on a falling star

Wondering where you are

Do I ever cross your mind

In the warm sunshine

He's from the city of angels

Like Betty Davis, James Dean and Gable

Never know what he means to me

I fell for the guy that's on TV

Who is Your Ideal TV Boyfriend?

Heee. I did this quiz thingy and I got Michael Scofield. Seriously, he does sound very much like my ideal guy... But I don't watch Prison Break. Maybe I should start!

LoVe~

MzP<3

PIZZA!!!

2010-02-27T20:10:00.001+11:00

Seeing as I'm in a fun mode, let me share some laughs with you. : )

I actually got this from Yahoo! somewhere. It's really fun. And please please do tell me what happens when you actually try some of it.

(Oh and you know what makes it so much more fun? My brother was a pizza company phone operator. Muahahahaha)

So next time you order a pizza, make it a whole lot more fun! Try one of these. Maybe I have tried one or two... but I won't say which. ; )

Pickup your phone, call the pizza guy and...

Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "BedWetter’s Camp, right?"

Add extra letters to words, ex: pizza becomes pizzzzzzzaaaaaaa

After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

Answer their questions with questions.

Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

Ask for chips/fries with everything!

Ask for extra homo-sapien

Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

Ask if them if they get a free date with one of the staff if you make order over $30.

Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

Ask if you they can put food color in the cheese.

Ask the man/woman if they can sculpt the pizza into your favorite celebrity.

Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.

Ask to see a menu.

Ask what the order taker is wearing.

Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

Backwards pizza your order

Be vague in your order.

Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

Change your accent every three seconds.

Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."

Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"

Eliminate verbs from your speech.

Engage in some serious swapping.

Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up

Haggle, HAGGLE, HAGGLE!!!!!!

Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

If you live next door or on the same block as the pizza place, ask them to deliver with their pizza truck.

Imitate the order taker's voice.

Keep telling the order taker about the other pizza place you sued last year.

Laugh every minute or two, mention the cat in the microwave!

Learn the topping codes or abbreviations and use them instead of the name (e.g. pp instead of double pepperoni).

Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it

Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.

Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."

Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

Order a one-inch pizza.

Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

Order a steamed pizza.

Order term life insurance.

Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

Order using lines from different movies (Luke, I am your "customer"-Darth Vader)

Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

Order your pizza, singing in falsetto!

Pass the phone around to everyone in the house -- have each person change the order a little.

Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

Play a sitar in the background.

Psychoanalyze the order taker.

Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

Put them on hold.

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

Rent a pizza.

Repeat every third third word twice

Report a petty theft to the order taker.

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

Say-your-order-as-fast-as-possible.

Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Palace? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact,
Pizza Palace, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.

Spill out your life story and ask them to they understand, if they say yes, Scream "liars, I don't believe you!" and hang up! If they say no, repeat your story until they say yes.

Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Palace, Take 1, and. . . action!"

Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."

State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

St-tt-t-utter, b-b-bb-badly

Stutter on the letter "p."

Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he' fired.

Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

Try to talk while drinking something, gurgling into the phone.

When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

When ordering a pizza, burst out in tears every two minutes

When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"

When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

When you're given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

When ordering, don’t use prepositions (the, as, on, is, if…so on)

When ordering, mix up your sentence – “Pizza Palace hello there is this?” and so on.

Even if you're not going to do any of these, it's still quite a laugh to read isn't it? Here's hoping you'll laugh throughout the day!!

XOXO

LoVe~
MzP<#

My Dick

2010-02-13T00:53:00.000+11:00

I just like this song! Battle it out cos My Dick is the shitz!! Heheeee.

My dick cost a late night fee
Your dick got the HIV
My dick plays on the double feature screen
Your dick went straight to DVD

My dick - bigger than a bridge
Your dick look like a little kid's
My dick - large like the Chargers, the whole team
Your shit look like you fourteen

My dick - locked in a cage, right
Your dick suffer from stage fright
My dick - so hot, it's stolen
Your dick look like Gary Coleman

My dick - pink and big
Your dick stinks like shit
My dick got a Caesar do,
Your dick needs a tweezer, dude

My dick is like super size
Your dick look like two fries
My dick - more mass than the Earth
Your dick - half staff, it needs work

My dick - been there done that
Your dick sits there with dunce cap
My dick - V.I.P.
Your shit needs I.D.

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

My dick need no introduction
Your dick don't even function
My dick served a whole lunch -in
Your dick - it look like a munchkin

My dick - size of a pumpkin
Your dick look like Macaulay Culkin
My dick - good good lovin'
Your dick - good for nothin'

My dick bench pressed 350
Your dick couldn't shoplift at Thrifty
My dick - pretty damn skippy
Your dick - hungry as a hippie

My dick don't fit down the chimney
Your dick is like a kid from the Philippines
My dick is like an M16
Your dick - broken vending machine

My dick parts the seas
Your dick farts and queefs
My dick - rumble in the jungle
Your dick got touched by your uncle

My dick goes to yoga
Your dick - fruit roll -up
My dick - grade -A beef
Your dick - Mayday geek

My dick - sick and dangerous
Your dick - quick and painless
My dick - 'nuff said.
Your dick loves Fred

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

It's by Mickey Avalon. How awesome is the song?!? It's so out there with Jizz In My Pants.

LoVe~
MzP<3

The Remedy

2010-02-12T04:52:00.000+11:00

OK, now I'm starting to really regret this. What the hell is wrong with me in not being able to keep my MOUTH shut?!?

This wasn't supposed to get out yet. It wasn't supposed to be discussed. It was supposed to be an exclusive fabulous one time event. A formal, official thing that happens rarely enough to be celebrated once in 5 years!

Now I fell like my efforts are gone to waste. But I shan't be dramatic. Indecision is for the weak. I'm supposed to think on my feet. I'm supposed to make important decisions quickly and painlessly. Gosh I would suck if I'm running an entire corporation, if I can't even run 60 people. Now that it's official that people are just looking and waiting for me to fall flat on my face, I am terrified and terrorized to bits.

Oh God, I only did this as a volunteer thing. I am not expecting to be paid out of this. I am not expecting return of any kind. I am not even expecting gratefulness or friendliness. In fact, I don't even mind if people don't know about this at all. I am perfectly comfortable doing my job like this, making sure it runs smoothly rather than actually getting the fame out of this.

Oh well, wish me luck! I need a remedy.

The remedy is the experience.
This is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy is that it's serious.
This is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend
The rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

MzP<3

Crazy

2010-02-08T05:53:00.027+11:00

I'm actually trying to avoid saying what I really wanna say. Well, because it will come out mean and terrible, and I would know that that's the PMS talking, not me.

Is everybody going crazy?

To summarize, I won't say I'm sad, cos I'm not. Perhaps pissed off, but not irrationally so. I'm just... done, you know. I refuse to be the victim here. And I won't be. I am, for all intents and purposes, detaching myself. Because the only things we humans are tied to, are our promises. The way I see it, I let this happen to myself anyway. (Just one thing I want to really clear out: I have family too you know, and I would have been able to spend time with them if I'm not waiting for you the whole day, to get a call 6 hours after, telling me you're NOT COMING. That's for the one who even bothered to call. And apologies on FACEBOOK?? Please. And that's for the one who even bothered to apologize.)

I realized this, when this one nice thing happened to me today, and I was not dying to call someone to tell them.

Is anybody gonna save me?

So, I was venue hunting for this big... event I'm planning. (And I won't ruin the surprise yet, so no details here) I found some good places, but I'm still torn. What do you do if you're undecided? To follow tradition, or to create my own? To take a risk, or to play it safe? To make it formal, or casual? I feel like I'm wayyy over-thinking it. I should just let it play out, right? And we'd all have fun anyway. But then, it IS a special night, and I'm sort of obliged to make it live up to expectations. Maybe it's crazy that that I'm doing this all by myself, but I don't see a single person who would volunteer to sacrifice themselves like this. But then again, it's good experience. I'm not the victim right? I pretty much did this to myself when I volunteered for the job.

Can anybody tell me what's going on?

Oooh. Do you know what this means??? Since I started this thing, I am, like, the PIONEER of, like, everything. How stupendously cool is that!! I am sooo going to give myself an awesome title. I totally deserve it. Something like, Executive Producer. Wow, now we're talking.

Wait a minute, this job is not just fun and games, you know. The really hard part, is having to organize this allll the way from Sydney. Like, that's hard. I have yet to figure out how to do it efficiently. You know, it's not like I can just drive there in an emergency situation. I need an in-between, someone who can do the job when I'm not around.

Tell me what's going on

Saying that, hmm, what do you think of the title Impresario. Nice. Like, awesome. I sound like I'm organizing the Opera or something artistic like that. Haha.

Do you know something? Whenever I write or talk in English, I've always been crippled by how some Malays words are just not translatable. And I cannot, try as I might, find a similar word in English. And even worse, I cannot even explain the word in English without using too many words.And that kind of sucks, because some Malay words are pretty nice. Like words? Like...

Geram. Well, this has one meaning in Malay, but has two translations in English. One of which is being mad. And even that is a rough translation. People always mis-translate it to mean 'a condition', when it's actually a feeling. It's a feeling you have when you feel angry, but it's also a feeling you have when you see something really cute and you just feel like pinching its cheeks but can't. I always wish they have this word in English. Or maybe my vocab is too limited. But if you know this word, please tell!

Merajuk. The only sort-of equivalent word in English is 'upset'. But the thing is, it is not exact. It means being upset in a cute-like way. Sort of playfully. Something like that. Sort of like sulking. Usually it's used on kids. Then maybe it's also used on boyfriends and girlfriends for the 'cute' thing. I mean, otherwise, how do you tell your boyfriend you're upset, but not seriously upset, just a little bit?

Mengada. Well. This word, I just don't know how to explain AT ALL. Or maybe too lazy to put it in words. Perhaps it means something like being 'Princessy'. But seriously, I can't explain it fully. And if anyone of you can explain it, or better yet, find an equivalent English word for it, do enlighten me and the rest of us. Haha.

If you open your eyes

Seriously, I really really believe that The Malay language is exceptionally beautiful. From what I've read from literature and such. But I also believe the language is the hardest to master. I mean, English is my 2nd language, and it's so much easier for me to be good at, rather than Malay. But, I'd say that Malay is the easiest language to learn the basics. It's freaking easy, in fact too easy, to learn enough to understand and be understood. Sometimes I wish the world could see the beauty of the language the way I see it. True experts of the language are becoming less and less these days. It's quite sad isn't it? Maybe the world should recognise the language, just enough to give motivation to the next generations to master it. If not, I really don't want to be a part of a dull language being suited to the times, and losing it's beauty. Malaysia goes through alot of globalisation. But please, I beg you, don't globalize my language.

You'll see that something is wrong.

LoVe~
MzP<3

I'm Only Happy When It Rains

2010-01-26T04:57:00.001+11:00

So, how do you like my new blog?

Pretty dark huh?

I guess this is partly Xuxa's doing. But not all Xuxa though. If I let it be all Xuxa, the page will be filled with vampires. And not the sparkly Edward Cullen kind either. We're talking vicious vampires with blood dripping on their fangs, and torn gothic dresses. Yes, I can be that dark.

But lately I realised I've let Xuxa out again. I've been listening to angry songs. And metal songs actually seem enjoyable. This coming from someone who had migraines listening to them before. I've also taken a liking to Garbage songs. I can't believe I've never liked them before. Hmm...

Yeah, I would say I need the toughness alot more now. Maybe it's just one more of the phases of growing up. Maybe I'm growing up. In fact what I wouldn't give to redecorate my room black and red right now. How awesome would that be?

(OK, I'm actually worried about myself right now. I love pink!)

Interesting. I can't remember the last time I am more Xuxa than me. It kind of scares me. Because I'm ruthless as Xuxa.

As Herman Hesse said:
"You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation... and that is called loving. Well then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else."

I guess embracing Xuxa in my time of plight is my way of loving my suffering. For only when I suffer I could fully be the other side of me, the darker part.

And these are the times I'll be needing it most.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit my old school, KYS. I'm seriously torn. Part of me wants to, out of curiosity, and mild obligation. Part of me is dreading it. Perhaps more than I am willing to admit. Those weren't the best years of my life, as you would have guessed. Yeah, I wasn't one of the girls who peaked in high school. I was one of those who can't wait to get out. And I'm glad I did too. Look how awesome my life is right now? Haha. I'm just being annoying. My life is pretty awesome, but still not void of suffering.

But then again, I'm a little girl who likes pink. Probably grew up with unicorns and rainbows. And parents who spoil me rotten. What do I know of suffering?

Haha. That's a secret I will NEVER tell. After all, the trick about life is to make it look easy.

I only smile in the dark

My only comfort is the night gone black

I didn't accidentally tell you that

I'm only happy when it rains

You'll get the message by the time I'm through

LoVe~

MzP<3

That's what Girls Do

2010-01-25T23:22:00.004+11:00

You know what's the problem with men? They have to understand everything.

Listen, there are some things we don't have to understand. Some things we don't even have to know. That's life. We all know that. We don't fully understand life after death, for example, but we believe it's there.

My point is, STOP trying to understand women!!

I mean seriously, what is there to understand? A woman is a person. You need to know one individually.

Until now I don't get some men who goes: I have lived years and I still don't know what women want.

Well, of course you don't know. That's just stupid. I mean, have you asked yourself what men want? Women don't ask that question in the first place. So we don't have 'unanswered' questions about men in general.

It's just plain stupid to me.

If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the beginning of our menstrual cycle when the female hormone is at its lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that, in those few days, women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? – Gloria Steinem

Well we're not so different, women and men. But individually, one woman differs to another as much as a man differs to a woman. So yeah. Stop figuring us out as a GROUP, and do it individually instead.

Men. (Hahahahahaha. I'm just trying to prove a point here. Hehe)

Well, if you still want to group us, stop trying to figure it out. Just accept everything we do as, That's what girls do. Hehe.

You ask me why I change the colour of my hair

You ask me why I need 32 pairs of shoes to wear

You seem to ask me why I got alot of things

It's just a chick thing

You oughta let it go

LoVe~

MzP<3

New Divide

2010-01-24T20:40:00.004+11:00

Let me speak my mind for abit.

I hate this. Being back n Malaysia. Yes, I know I don't sound very patriotic right now. But being here is not fun. I'm not learning anything. And it's not very healthy either.

I know I don't have that many friends here. But even so, I thought I had some. Where are you guys? Too busy? Or just can't be bothered?

I'm so sick of initiating contact. I'm so sick of asking people out when they never do (ask me out). I mean, am I missing something here? Is this the way of life here? Or is it just that I'm not part of their lives enough for them to bother?

I hang out abit sometimes, but with my Sydney friends! What's the point of me coming back to Malaysia then? I would accomplish wayyyyy more in Sydney. In terms of a JOB, friends, company, and also productivity! AND I'll eat healthier. And I could have dates without my dad questioning everything. I would be at least 3kg thinner. And did I mention I have so much more friends?

And you wonder why I'm not dying to go back to Malaysia after I graduate.

Here, my spontaneity is sucked dry. I can't just call someone and meet them somewhere in 15 mins. I can't just wake up and decide I'm going to the beach today. I can't just go to the UBar knowing I will meet someone, anyone, there. And I sure as hell can't just talk to random strangers. First, they'll think I'm crazy. Second, my parents NEVER let me go out alone. Like, EVER. NEVER EVER. If I tell them I wanna go out to drink coffee, they'll make a HUGE deal out of it. "Wait, you're going ALONE??" or "Who are you going with?" or "Your father is going that way, why don't you go with him?" Like hello???? Nooooooo thank you.

Helloooo, it's just coffee! I'm pretty sure I won't end up in an alley with some psycho killer who just escaped from prison. Or run away to elope in Thailand. There's no hidden, dark alley in my area anyway. And I don't have a boyfriend, let alone a prospective husband. They watch too much TV sometimes.

And guys asking me out on dates? None of that. And the worst part is, I just realised a few days ago that I'll be here for Valentine's Day. How awesome is that? (That was sarcasm btw, if you still don't get my intended inflection)

Well excuse me while I get killed softly.

But honestly, today, I have a reason to miss Malaysia. More specifically, a person. A person who reminds me who I am. A person never too busy to spend time with me. A rare person who is here.

Maybe Malaysia might not be so bad after all. And yes, I'm going to miss the whole country because of him. Thank God there's someone like him. If not, you guys should be ashamed of yourselves. Malaysians. *Scoff*

So give me a reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect this space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide

Basically, prove me wrong about this difference between my two worlds. And give me a reason to believe that it is all not that different, and to let me find the connection between them. And let that reason be enough to find my purpose here. Give me a reason to come back, across this new divide.

LoVe~
MzP<3

The Resolution

2010-01-23T04:50:00.003+11:00

When the new year came around, I did have a few resolutions. And this time, I will stick to them.

My resolutions this year, summed up, is basically to continue all the good things I did last year, and to stop all the bad things.

I will try to date a guy that my mom approves of. Which is hard, and almost impossible, but I will try really hard.

I will continue to resist alcohol. I will not drink. I will not taste it. And I will not be convinced by my friends to have some.

I will study. Extremely hard to do, but I will. From week 1.

I will get a job. Something good, since it's my last year in uni, I can get something pretty good. I hope.

(This resolution is not written here because it's private and personal, but don't worry, it's something good. And Dee, don't laugh!!!)

I will organize a big reunion. Honestly, I have no idea how I'm going to do this, but I am.

I'm going to lose at least 3 kg, and maintain that weight! Which means, continue exercising. And go on healthy diets. No more crash diets.

I'm going to continue being a vegetarian. Super challenging, but obtainable. (I will not be a vegetarian if it results in wastage, since I'm doing it for the environment anyway)

I'm going to party less. I'm not 21 anymore. Got to be more responsible.

See? Awesome. Lots of stuff I'm going to ensure will happen in 2010. I'm so proud of myself.

And now that I've published it for the world to see, I can't back out!!! So wish me truckloads of luck. And hope that I will go through whats going to be a tough year.

Tomorrow back from hell
Resolution
Some stories I will never tell
Resolution
And yeah, I'm almost home

LoVe~
MzP<3

Through the Rain

2010-01-14T02:34:00.004+11:00

Two weeks into the year, and everything is going wrong. Everything I know is falling apart. Everything that was so beautiful in the last year is now falling apart, crumbling in my wake. And I'm standing, just a spectator, watching but not able to do anything about it.

It's my birthday today, did you know?

I feel like I've been sucked through a large hole, dark enough and black enough that nothing could be seen, and nothing is within reach.

It would be usual for me to know feelings like this don't last. It's just a blip of darkness against a canvas of overwhelming beauty, which in a way, needs to be there to complete the picture.

But I also know there holes so deep to fall in that you will never get out again, in darkness, where light is just a memory held so dear by the thought alone. With a hope that fades away with every creeping day.

In a way, I feel I have fallen. And I don't know if I'm getting out. But it is a deep hole. Engrossing me with darkness.

But then maybe I'm just walking through the rain. Heavy enough to obscure my vision, enveloping the sight of all good things that surround me, and all good things to come. Maybe the rain will stop. Maybe I'll see everything clearly again.

The rain will always stop, right? I just have to be strong enough to endure it, to go through it.

I can make it through the rain,
I can stand up once again,
On my own and I know,
That I'm strong enough to mend.

And every time I feel afraid,
I hold tighter to my faith,
And I live one more day,
And I'll make through the rain.

But being a troubled person, I know very well what is happening. I'm having some kind of anxiety problem right now. I'm extremely anxious. I can't sit still the whole day. I can't sleep. I can't seem to clear my head of the fact that something bad may happen. My heart is racing, I have a problem concentrating in anything I do, I've been fidgeting non-stop. It feels bad.

But I'm on MSN with Julie right now. And if there is one person in this world who could make me feel better, it's her. No one understands me as much as she does. And I love her for it.

So wish me luck to make it through the rain one more time.

LoVe~
MzP<3

Non Dairy Creamer

2010-01-11T15:26:00.003+11:00

I have this thing. This little problem, right, where I always try to see the best in people.

No, it does not mean I trust easily. (And I really don't). It's just that, you know, when you grow up and you meet more people, and after a while you stumble across a personality type that's proved problematic before, when other people would write him/her off, I'd usually be the one who'd believe that he/she could work that personality positively.

I used to refuse to believe that there are truly bad people in this world. I mean, who in their right mind would deliberately hurt someone or something? Who in their right mind would do something bad without his/her own reasons? After all, the world is not black & white.

But then, of course I'm wrong. There are people who would hurt others deliberately. There are others who thrive on being so wrong. (I would love to get in their head sometime and know how they became so screwed up). But these people are rare enough. Rare enough that I know I can still trust every new person I meet to be good. (But yet, still not trust them completely)

And then there are lies. I know very well about lies. I receive them alot. I give them out sometimes. Lies are so abundant out there, it's everywhere. We know our parents lie to us about their past, our teachers lie to us about their present, and our politicians lie to us about the future.

But the abundance of lies does not mean the truth does not exist. It always does. There is such a thing as truth. We do have to work to find it, but it's there. Always.

And yes I always assume people always seek the truth.

This is what I'm getting at. There are people. These people, a very rare few, who are infused with lies. These are the people I understand very little of. I just don't know why they lie, and lie. I just don't have any clue as to what's in their head, that prompts them to lie all the time.

And in my opinion these people are one of the worst. They have the worst personality types.

Admit it, there are no movies about them, no proper stories told of them. I don't think people really see it as a serious problem. I mean, I'm not talking about the Schizo. I'm talking about healthy, sane people.

What I don't get is, do they actually see their life that way? Do they actually believe what they talk about? Are they that delusional? Or do they deliberately lie to make themselves look and sound better? And if so, don't they realise people are not stupid? They know.

You know these people, you would probably come across at least one of them. The one who claims they have many friends, when they don't. The one who claims alot of guys/girls like him/her and stalk him/her when it's the other way around. The one who would tell bad stories to you about other people so that you won't like them and like him/her instead. The one who tells you they get a D average when he/she is a P average. The one who keeps describing their 'amazing' house to make them look rich, when their house is just average.

And no, I'm not talking about a person who lies about one of these things, but a person who lies about all of them. Like, they create their lives for other people to see, but they live very different lives. Don't they know people will find out eventually? Don't they know it doesn't make them look or sound cool, just a liar? I mean, what are their aims exactly? To be the envy of others? I don't see it. It just doesn't make sense to me.

And being surrounded by lies all the time, I should know, the best lies are the ones given out sparingly. The ones that are so rare that people won't see them coming.

Take poker for instance. Bluff sparingly, and people won't see it coming.

So what's it gonna be?
Are you real to me?
Or are you non dairy creamer.

LoVe~
MzP<3

Butterflies and Hurricanes

2009-12-17T22:31:00.005+11:00

I'm back from Dubai. Back in KL. Home sweet home.

Dubai was awesome. The amount of shopping I did there is, like, the most I've done, ever. And right now I'm obsessed with a few brand names. Totally obsessed.

First brand: Desigual. Oh MY GOD, that brand is awesome. It's very, shall I say, different. Colourful. Hippie in a sense, but also vividly cool. It's this brand from Spain. I have this amazing attraction towards their designs. Some of them are just so... 'Me' that I feel like I have to own them. Soon. One day. Hehe. And their motto is, aptly, "No es lo mismo" - "It's not the same."

Next obsession: Kurt Geiger. Oh well, what girl would I be if I'm not totally obsessed with shoes..?? So yes, Kurt Geiger is, to me, the ultimate shoe store. Well, Ultimate affordable shoe store. Never have I ever seen so many AWESOME shoes all contained in one store. I honestly feel that 80% of my shoe cravings could be satisfied by this store alone. And trust me, that's saying a lot. Pink stilettos, with gold heels, anyone?

My other newly acquired obsession is for... Jane Norman. The ultimate party wear. Your first impression of hitting the store would be: Pink!! So yes, that was the primary thing that attracted me. Their girls night out collection is just so complete. And, well, awesome. Something I would definitely wear. And would love wearing. I have yet to acquire anything from this store, though. *sigh* Someday. Someday.

So anyway. I am in KL tired and very jet lagged. So it's one of those days where the bed is my only friend. And thanks to technological advancements, even a day in bed could turn out into an educational 'journey'. (OK, I was surfing the internet while lying on my bed).

So I was surfing, and I stumbled upon the Ramsey unsolved murder case. You know, the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, the 6 year old beauty pageant whose body was found in the basement of her own house.

Well, I heard about it a few years ago, but it's only now that I actually really read about it. It's very interesting, a murder that was masked as a kidnapping. As in, a true kidnapper would not write a 3 page ransom note, would they?

The case was in 1996, after Christmas. It still remained unsolved. But the case was reopened this year, February (2009).

Initially, when her body was found, the main suspect (and splashed all over the media) was the little girl's parents. The police believed that their parents did it because, first, it was strange to find a ransom note, and then the body of the girl in her own house the next day. In fact, they believed it so much that they wasted valuable time they could have spent chasing down the real murderer, but instead, interrogated the parents repeatedly, and tried really hard to find evidence to proof it's them. Also, getting the public to believe them by leaking reports to local media.

Okay, what I wrote could be found on the internet, through many sources, including a handwriting analysis of the ransom note by a graphologist. My personal opinion is different.

The thing I really believe is that the parents didn't do it. That the police looked at it from a different angle. Instead of a kidnapping which turned into a murder, the police should have realised that the ransom note is a cover of the murder, to stall them from finding the body. The note said that the kidnapper was going to call the next day. So instead of looking for a body, or inspecting the entire house thoroughly, they waited for the phone call, which never came.

And only when the phone call never came, did they actually really inspected the whole house, and found her body, in the basement.

Seriously, it is just too obvious that the parents didn't do it. Why? Because if they really wanted to kill their own child, they would have been clever enough to get rid of the body somewhere really far and then report her missing. Inviting police to come over and inspect their whole house is just not what a murderer would do if they know that the body is in that house. I mean, in the frenzy of panic after murdering someone, wouldn't the first thing that comes to mind is to cover up your tracks? Especially if it's the first time, since the parents didn't have any criminal record.

So yes, my belief was confirmed because when they reopened the case this year, by using so much more advanced DNA analysis, they found out without doubt that the parents didn't do it. Which was when the police department wrote an official apology note to the Ramsey's. See?

What I'm pretty weirded out by, is that I have this feeling that the parents somehow knew who the murderer was, but are not telling. Or at least, they subconciously has someone in mind but is not letting on. The thing is, the murderer demonstrated in the note that he/she knows the Ramsey's too well, including how much the father's bonus was that year.

And so, why are the parents not saying anything. I was thinking and thinking. There's only two reasons: first, that person is of someone close, possibly a family member. Or, they could be someone with power, or standing. In both cases, the parents would not want to jump the gun and point fingers where they might not be right, and get the person in unnecessary trouble. However, I think the second one is more possible, that is, someone with considerable power. Perhaps even someone with religious standing, and someone who's helped out the family a few times. These are the ones you surely wouldn't want to piss off, especially if you're not 100% sure about it. I mean, imagine the situation. If you knew, say, 60% that it is done by (only for example) a religious teacher. I would say, some people would not let this suspicion on. Why? Because the risk of being wrong, and attacking someone like that, is too great. But then again, that's just my personal opinion. I have heard stories about religious people molesting and raping children and stuff, and instead of their parents reporting it, they just turn a blind eye and let it happen.

So I read the autopsy report: Or at least part of it, anyway. I've come to the conclusion that the murderer is left-handed. Why? Because too many of the injuries happen on the right side of her body. And from the back, on the left side. See, if the girl screamed, and then the murderer panicked, and then he reached for the nearest heavy object he found, he would do it with the hand he is most used to. She was hit on the right side of her head. So the only explanation is: he's left handed.

So anyway, its 3.30am, and I'm off to bed now. Or at least trying to, given my level of jet lag-gedness.

I'm pretty much very interested in the Ramsey case, but all that is just my opinion. I know it could all be wrong anyway. But well, it's logical to me. Just give it a read.

Good night.

Fights and battles have begun
Revenge will surely come
Your hard times are ahead

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Get The Party Started!

2009-11-26T13:16:00.004+11:00

Yesterday was total prove that when I study alot and don't sleep enough, I'll do worse in an exam than if I don't finish studying and sleep early. Oh God. My easiest paper just turned into the hardest.

Anyway.

EXAM IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, so when's the party, right? Hehe. Everyday. Started last night.

The only thing is, I have been recently diagnosed with kidney infection. Which is potentially serious, actually. The pain is unbearable! Was, actually. Pain is manageable now. It's called Pyelonephritis, if you'd like to read about it. I'm on antibiotics now. And I have another doctor's appointment in an hour's time.

Other developments? I'm bored! Hehe. Yea, my days are all booked. From yesterday all the way till 5th December. Then, home, I'll go!!! Yay!!!

Get the party started on a Saturday night
Everybody's waiting for me to arrive
Sending out the message to all of my friends
We'll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz
I got lots of style, check my gold diamond rings
I can go for miles if you know what I mean

Making my connection as I enter the room
Everybody's chilling as I set up the groove
Pumping up the volume with this brand new beat
Everybody's dancing and they're dancing for me
I'm your operator, you can call anytime
I'll be your connection to the party line

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Single

2009-11-12T10:14:00.005+11:00

So it's like this. People now know I'm single.

Well, let's just say I kind of missed the time they didn't.

Guys are around me. Again. And trust me when I say, I'm not bragging, I'm pretty much complaining.

Why? Cos guys can't really take no for an answer. They hang around, expecting something. Some of them want a relationship, and some just wanna get in my pants.

I don't want both. (And one of them even has a girlfriend!)

I'm keeping this single status for now. And for as long as I can.

Being single is like a breath of fresh air. Being free. And since I haven't been single in a LOOOONG time, it's a refreshing change.

Sooo. Exams are coming up. Shit. I'm screwed. Promise me: DON'T ask for my results when they come out. Promise?

Oh, and you know what's the best part of being single? I can really be Gavin's biggest fan. The Gav, with the abs. Best abs I've ever seen. Like, EVER. Yes, can't even compare to the magazine models. I'm bloody serious. No one believes me though. Seriously, why would anyone question my abs judging abilities is beyond me. Cos you will never find someone who likes abdominal muscles more than I do. Really.

I think abs are the most important muscles in a guy. Then, shoulders probably. And then, biceps and triceps. A guy with awesome biceps don't get a second look if he doesn't have abs. Well, to me anyway. So yes, start working on those abs.

So anyway, I'll be celebrating being single a bit more. Yay!

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't
'Til then I'm single

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm trading places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Saturday Night

2009-10-31T12:37:00.003+11:00

Today is Saturday.

Happy Halloween!!!

3 Parties today. I don't mean I'm invited to three, I mean I'm going to three. Crazy huh? Haha.

Today is also the day. The day I would find out a few things. And also do a few things.

The Halloween cruise last Wednesday was bloody awesome. It's not just the cruise, but more of the after party. At Armain's apartment, in the city. OMG, it was LEGENDARY. Hehe.

His apartment had the best view ever. They had a projector for a TV. 3TB worth of videos and music. And they have a swimming pool and jacuzzi at the top floor. Imagine that.

Naturally, the swimming pool and jacuzzi is closed at night, but all of us actually climbed over the gate. We watched the amazing view.

Ali threw me in the pool. In my catwoman suit. Seriously. But that's alright, since that was when they all decided to strip down to their underwear and get in the jacuzzi.

For 20 minutes. Then someone came and chased us out. Well, not literally. They made a bargain instead: We get out of the pool, they open the bar. Just for us!! No, I'm serious.

So we got out, dressed up (I had to borrow someone's girlfriend's clothes cos my costume was all wet), and we headed to the bar. Where, naturally, everyone got more drunk.

Party ends when we all decided to grab a bite in Macca's. So Macca's we went, where I had probably the best fries I've ever tasted. And then we all got taxis home.

Awesome night.

There will be a sequel tonight. Same place. Can't wait!

And remember my previous fascination with German guys? Well... Hahaha. Goes without saying, doesn't it?

OK, so I'm off now. My day is starting soon.

Oh, and I did get the bowls for my fishes, Emilio and Valentino. Big wine glasses. They look divine.

Yes, the wine glasses are pretty expensive. Well, my fishes are low maintenance, but I'm not!

Everywhere I go, somebody I know,
Wants to come and kick it with me
Saturday night and we're gonna have a party!

LoVe~
MzP<3

Somewhere I Belong

2009-10-23T11:33:00.002+11:00

For the first time in my life, ever, I finally feel at home.

Two years in Australia made me feel so much more at home than 20 years in Malaysia. Funny, and weird but true.

And this fact I just realised today.

After all those years for feeling like I never quite belonged anywhere, this is a refreshing revelation.

This is me. The way I am. Who I am. And I like it immensely. No, I love it.

And guess what? I can now listen to 'our' song and not burst into tears anymore. In fact it's playing right now, and eventhough I could recall the sweet memories, I do not long for it anymore. I could finally smile at the memories. Smile because they happened.

And maybe someday, I would like to fall deeply and undeniably in love again. I would wait for that time to come, and this time I would embrace it without hesitation.

Anyhow. Have we all know about my beloved Emilio? *Squealing in delight*

Yes, he's my male Siamese fighting fish I keep in a bourbon bowl on my bedside table. I love my Emilio. I named him after Emilio Pucci for his colours remind me of Pucci's designs.

And yesterday, I found a fighting fish so beautiful, I could not ever imagine not having him. His colours are of nice pink and white beautifully coloured to resemble a soft alluring floral silk dress. He's so beautiful, I knew I had to have him there and then. I knew I can't sleep until I have him.

We stood there in the shop for about an hour coming up with a name for him. Names like Lagerfeld, Gianni, Oscar, Alexander and lots of other designers came up. But of course only one name suits him Valentino.

And I would say that he is as exquisite as a Valentino gown. maybe even more so.

And today, I will own him. And he will be Emilio's new friend. Or maybe the appropriate word is 'buddy' since fighting fish don't need or want friends.

And even Sandrine found a gorgeous bright red one. One she wants to name Hercules.

I really hope we both will have a fish when we leave today.

Yes, did I tell you? We're getting my beloved Valentino today!!!!

Oh, so and what happened to the Hot Chocolate at 10am? Wow. I swear it put me in a good mood the whole day. I was practically singing!!

But that night, things took a turn. Which is keeping me very very disturbed. I have noooo idea what is happening. Or if anything is happening. I'm just confused. Very. At least give me a sign!

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
Cuz I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away
I'll find myself today

LoVe~
MzP<3

3

2009-10-21T17:34:00.004+11:00

Have you heard Britney's new song, 3? It's my ringtone right now, but seriously that was before I found out it's about a threesome. Tempted to change, but let's just keep it for the fun of it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not promoting threesomes. Plus a friend of mine said to never do it because you'd feel like shit the next day. And this coming from a person who would try just about anything. So yes, don't try threesome, kids.

Despite whatever happens in Gossip Girl series. (Yes, there's going to be a threesome! And no, it does not involve Chuck or Blair or, surprisingly, Georgina)

So lots have happened since my last post.

Life has gotten thoroughly better.

I like the fact that some people still don't know about the breakup. Feels kind of subtle and nice. I mean, at least people don't think it's real. Yet. I find that amusing.

And also a good thing. As I'm swearing off men for abit, I find it totally convenient that men are not around. Relieved.

But I have been busy with my friends. Everyday is like an adventure these days, that if I get out of my house, I won't get home until at least midnight. There's always something to do, someone to see. Keeps me busy.

Well, secretly, there is someone. Secretly. But it's just a harmless crush. Nothing more. Very high school, actually. Kind of like admiring someone from afar but not getting up the courage to talk to him. Rebound? I don't think so. Because all it is, is that I enjoy his company. Nothing more, nothing less. I told you, very high school.

Being reminded of high school is not too bad either... A simple innocent bout of infatuation. It's nice.

Hot chocolate at 10am. Sounds good? Yay or nay?

Ah, no matter. This thing won't last long. It's just a question of eliminating 'What if' you know?

Three is charm
Two is not the same
I don't see the harm
So are you game?

LoVe~
MzP<3

Stranger

2009-10-10T22:58:00.003+11:00

I would admit, I have been thinking abit to much about him. I have been bursting into tears at very random moments, which doesn't even seem appropriate.

So then last night, I finally heard the voice mail he left me on my phone. The night when he came to apologize but left, and then proceeded to call me endlessly, where each time I picked up the phone he gave me another bunch of stupid reasons and excuses. This resulted in 100++ missed calls. And about 5 voice mail messages.

So I called my mailbox, and got jolted harshly back to reality. Then I realised what I should have realised ages ago: He is NOT the same guy i fell in love with. The person I'm missing might as well be dead.

What jolted me was the amount of the word fuck he could use in 3 seconds. Amazing.

I get that he was angry, but when the hell has our relationship progressed to the point where he can give me 5 voicemails full with profanities like that.

But at least I know one thing: This is exactly why I resist calling him. Because I know the person I call would not be the person I'd want to talk to. A total stranger. And that is reason enough.

Nobody believes me when I tell them that you're out of your mind
Nobody believes me when I tell them that there's so much you hide
You treat me like a queen when we go out
Wanna show everyone what our love's about
All wrapped up in me whenever there is a crowd
But when no one's around

There's no kindness in your eyes
The way you look at me is just not right
I can tell what's going on this time
There's a stranger in my life
You're not the person that I once knew
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do
Then they would see a stranger too

Such a long way back, from this place we arrived
When I think of all the time I wasted I could cry...

LoVe~
MzP<3

A Puro Dolor

2009-10-10T03:55:00.002+11:00

Oh my gosh. I swear, if I got home a little later, I would be puking all over the place.

I'm just so sick!

Tonight was a good night. Better than expected at least. I lost my voice, though. Funny thing, when I lose my voice, I tend to talk more, because I like to hear my self speak in a voice totally different than what I'm used to.

....

Speaking of losing voices, do you happen to know, there is an island in the US, where, in the 1800s, almost everyone speaks in sign language? The place is Martha's Vineyard, and the sign language is called Martha's Vineyard Sign Language (MVSL).

Apparently, the people on the island has very high rate of deafness. So to make it easier, everyone learns the sign language, and uses it in their everyday life, including people who are not deaf. It was so common that people used it eventhough there were no deaf people around. This just makes it much easier for the deaf people to fit in their everyday lives, and function normally with everyone else.

Wow. Can you imagine living in a place like that? Very interesting, I reckon.

Unfortunately, the MVSL sort of drifted away. The deaf rate on the island went down, and now very few people actually recall the sign language. Or possibly none at all. The sign language the deaf people use now is the usual American one.

*Pause.

OK, that was an episode of facing the toilet bowl. Shit. I'm going to feel like crap tomorrow.

(Now I remember why I don't like puking: It hurts!)

I think I need some sleep, being in this condition, but I can't sleep!!

Now I kind of wish I'm somewhere else... Where? That is a secret I'll never tell! Hehe. xoxo

I think I'd need to at least try to sleep.

But wait! I'm not drunk. I didn't drink, alright.

I truly am sick. Like, literally. Seriously sick. I think I'm supposed to go see a doctor or something, I mean, don't you have to if it comes to this point? Well, whatever.

Anyways, good night.

Y las noches me saben
A puro dolor

LoVe~
MzP<3

When I'm Back On My Feet Again

2009-10-08T22:42:00.003+11:00

I feel like I just won $200 or something.

I guess that's how it is with opportunity costs. I no longer have to spend the $200 dollars, which was my initial obligation. So it feels like I have an extra $200 out of nowhere. Happy happy. Hehe.

Last night I had one of the best sleep in a long time. Sandrine stayed over, and we both slept way way past our wake up time!

So, today I decided to be a little bit more of a nerd and study something. No, nothing related to accounting, unfortunately. More in the line of Biology. Genetics, to be specific. The topic in particular is evolution, or to be a lot more specific, speciation.

I found out two things:

1. My initial theory that evolution occurs pretty fast, is right. Flies could divide into two completely different species in as little as 8 generations. And as flies only have a life span of what, a day, that is a short time.

2. I learned this thing called punctuated equilibrium, officially introduced in a research paper produced in 1972, and I think, it so makes sense! Before this, they argued, if evolution really does exist, why then doesn't the 'in-betweens' of humans and monkeys exist? Well, it seems punctuated equilibrium explains it.

Can you imagine, though, that actually, some of the discoveries of new species, could possibly be really actually really new species that just appeared, say, 5 years ago. Wow. Interesting huh?

Punctuated equilibrium is the term used to show that most animals and plants stay the same for a long time, and will only evolve when pressure is present, and that it will take only a short time to evolve and then when it adapts, remain as the next species for a long time until the next evolution. So evolution does not happen gradually, as previously assumed. There is very little time between the change from one species to the next, but the species then remain the same for a long time, as long as it suits their niche perfectly.

Plenty interesting stuff, I would say. And the fact these studies are relatively new. I love new information like this. It feeds my brain more than all those accounting crap I've been stuffing my head with.

So. Tomorrow is ADND 2009. Dee-zahz-tergh as HappySlip's* dad would say.

I don't know why, but ADND marketing this year is so bad, that no one actually knows when it is, even. And they say, my department is not doing their job. I mean, seriously, no one has even seen the ADND logo. This is just so wrong. Everything is so... haywired, for want of a better word.

What's going on with me, though? Well, I'm putting my love life on hold. Despite men appearing again, around me. Maybe I need time, or maybe I'm just not interested... Hehehe... Nah, seriously, it is really on hold for the time being. A bit of time to get me back on my feet. But seeing as how slow time is going for me right now, one day would feel like a week, I wouldn't expect it to be too long of a wait. Alright, not a relationship per say, maybe just a rebound.

And this time I would want a REALtionship. Not those fake ones.

Soon these tears will all be dryin'
Soon these eyes will see the sun
Won't be long, won't be long
Till I see it
When I'm back on my feet again

LoVe~
MzP<3

*HappySlip is a username on Youtube, by Christine Gambito who does comedic videos, which I am truly addicted to.

Mile In These Shoes

2009-10-06T22:25:00.004+11:00

I don't expect to hear from you or see you in a very VERY long time.

So. The explanation.

This guy I've been with, this guy I loved so much has this rule. I'm never allowed to go out clubbing. I'm forbidden. He hates it. The rule is, I can only go out clubbing when he's around. When he comes with me. This is one big rule.

For me to out clubbing is a total fault in his eyes. Even if I go out with all girls. Once when we were fighting about things we like to do, I said I like clubbing why can't I do it? And he said, "Tak boleh ke buat something berfaedah?"

One thing, I don't drink. I don't go out clubbing to get drunk. Or to make a fool of myself. I go to meet my friends, to dance, have a good time. Despite knowing I don't drink, he still controls me in that way.

So the rule is I can only go with him, right? When he is around, whenever my friends ask me to go out with them I ask him, and his answers are always, "No." It's always about how he's not in the mood. About how he prefers spending time with me at home. About how that part of his life is 'over' and he doesn't have fun doing it anymore.

It fucking annoys me everytime, that he thinks he's soooo self-righteous by not going clubbing.

The times we do end up going, which is very few, by the way, we would go back early. Too early. Eventhough I begged him to stay for a little while longer. But if he wants to go home, I have to go too, because I can't be there alone. So usually, we'll end up home before 1am. Before midnight, most nights. And I would spend the next day listening to my friends talk about how good it was after I left.

This came up in our fights a few times. About how I can't go without him, and with him, he won't even let me enjoy as long as I want.

So there is also another rule between us: the rule of when the circumstances warrant a breakup, or if one us asks for a breakup, we will wait 24 hours before we do something the other don't like. Like, say, make out with someone else. His rule, not mine, because he is such a jerk that if we breakup, he can't see me with another guy, but his ego is too high to ask for me back.

He would do something like walk away from me, but still act like I'm his possession. Calling me a slut if I rebound or try to get over him too fast. Even more than 24 hours after a breakup.

So last weekend right, it was during our uni break. He made a promise to finally bring me somewhere on this break. He promised to bring me to La Perouse for the sunset. I was so excited about it, because other than just spending time together in the sunset, it was supposed to be the time where we officially get together.

So because of how busy we were last week, the only day we could go was on Friday. So we planned it. We planned it the whole week. I was so looking forward to it. So excited that we were finally going somewhere together. Just the two of us.

Then suddenly, change of plans. His sister got upset with him because he didn't spend time with her and visit her in Newcastle. So I said, you know what? Why don't you go to Newcastle and see your sister. We can do the La Perouse thing another day.

So yes, I sacrificed our one holiday in a LOOOOOONG time. Our one thing.

So he went to Newcastle. His first day there, we had a fight. Fight, which was small, and became bigger and bigger. Until we stopped talking to each other.

So the next day I had a meeting for my society, far away. Suddenly I received his SMS, saying he'll see me tonight, and telling me the time he'll be reaching Sydney.

Well, we were still fighting, and I was pissed off that he didn't call me at all the previous day, and then started SMSing me like everything was normal. In the midst of our text argument, he let it slip that he came back at 2am the night before.

Then he called. I picked up.

I asked, " You came back at 2? Did you go out clubbing?"

He said, "Yes."

I stopped talking to him since.

So.

Today, he came to see me. Wanting me back. Apologising for the things he said.

But when the clubbing thing came up? He didn't think he did anything wrong. He said, he didn't do anything wrong at first, and that it's alright to go out clubbing. Then I repeated all the things he said to me about clubbing.

Then when I said he never let me, he said it's only because I'm a girl. Only because guys will come up to me and hit on me. So it's a double standard. It's alright for him to go but it's not alright for ME, apparently. I'm his doll.

I never realise that this relationship is pure bullshit until now.

Until now he won't apologize. Until now he says he doesn't know why I'm so pissed off.

But he wants me back. Without apologising.

Like I said, this explanation is the end of it. Be in my shoes and tell me what you would feel if this were you.

It's time to end it right?

If you still haven't realized it by now, my love for him is clouding my judgment. So please, tell me.

I dare you to walk a mile in my shoes

LoVe~
MzP<3>

One Last Song

2009-10-06T18:40:00.003+11:00

Well, turns out an explanation is imminent. But once I start explaining to the WORLD exactly how i feel, it is my way of letting it go fully, once and for all.

I know it is coming. I will explain and reveal everything I feel on MY side... soon.

I was just hoping for once, someone would surprise me in a good way. But I guess there's no room for good surprises here, huh?

So the tears finally came. And for the next two days, I know, that's all that would happen. Letting it go. Crying.

I wonder how he could, even ONCE, doubt my love. After everything. After time. But I guess it's not in him to see anyone else as a 'victim' other than himself.

I will explain. Everything.

Like what really happened. Like what I really felt. And after that, it is irrevocably over. Beyond words. And I will move on.

"You think I am not strong enough to let you go? Watch me." Applies to me too, you know.

So here I am, waiting. If even after this, you still don't think I love you as much as I possibly could ever love someone, than I don't know what to say.

Except bye...

And if you need me, you'd kiss me
Then tell me how you feel
And if you want me, you'd show me
That your love is for real
And if you love me
You'd hold me in your arms where I belong
So while I'm feeling strong
I sing you one last song.

LoVe~
MzP<3

p.s. I'm not going to call, because I know and you know it's your fault - you did something really unacceptable. And I'm not going to pick up because I deserve more than that, after what you've done. Let's not pretend you have no clue what you did wrong. Remember the last thing you said to me?

To *

2009-10-06T02:41:00.002+11:00

If you really want me, you know what to do.
(And I expect more than a phone call)

If you don't, I prefer not to hear from you or see you for a long time. As long as it takes.

LoVe~
MzP<3

p.p.s. To the rest of you, if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll explain later. Only if there is an explanation needed. If not, this post doesn't exist.

Going Under

2009-09-28T04:01:00.003+10:00

I've been incredibly lazy lately. Which is pretty normal... in my case.

Went back to Malaysia last week for Raya, and that was good. So good, sometimes I wish I never have to come back.

I mean what is waiting for me in Sydney, anyway?

Before I went back, that was a different story. I was dating. Several guys. There were guys around, as usual. Kept me occupied for awhile. These men are just great. Some are great in more ways than one. So good, I don't want to stop. So great, they just seem too good to be true. So great, they came close to perfection.

But then again, here I am, back from Malaysia, back with the same guy. In essence, A LOT have changed, but also, nothing at all.

What do I mean? Take this for example. I am currently not at home, at 3am. Where, exactly? Running.

So, really, is ALL you need is love? Because, I've been making decisions based on this 'love' thing, and it's gotten me pretty much back to square one. Not improving. Not moving forward. Because I'm just so blinded by this thing you supposedly called love.

So then here I am again, questioning 'love' itself. One famous question always directed to me is, "Would you marry for love or money?"

For forever, and until now my answer is always the same: Money. Been getting alot of shit about this. But I always believe, love can be built. As long as things are stable.

So right now, I am defying myself against all odds. I am doing all this for love.

Yes, it is love that made me not be with one of those great guys.

Yes, it is love that made me stay. Even when I want to go.

Yes, it is love that made me go financially damaged, knowingly.

Yes, it is love that made me put up with this bullshit day by day.

Yes, it is love that made me cry instead of being angry.

Yes, it is love that makes up for the unhappiness of every day.

Yes, it is love that makes me want to stay, not for money, but for LOVE itself.

Yes, it is love that prevents me from hating the one person who has damaged me beyond all else.

Yes, it is love that puts me here where I am right now, instead of in my comfortable bed. Why? Because instead of asking him to leave my place, I left.

It is all LOVE.

So tell me, where is the rest?

Where is respect? For other people and for one self?

Where is appreciation?

Where is trust?

Most of all, where is hope?

I'm looking for all these things, but I can't find it. So tell me again, ALL you need is love? Because if that's true, then I'm doing the right thing. But how does abandoning basic values be right? Tell me how.

I tell you what, I was right the first time. Money is the way to go. Only, I am already in love. I'm already on one path. A path I'm attached to. A path I can't get off because I will lose a part of me if I do.

So maybe my only decision is: Is the part I lose going to be worth it?

Now I will tell you what I've done for you

50,000 tears I've cried

Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you

But you still won't hear me

Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself

Maybe I'll wake up for once

Not tormented daily, defeated by you

Just when I thought I've reached the bottom

So go on and scream

Scream at me, I'm so far away

I won't be broken again

I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under

LoVe~
MzP<3

Insatiable

2009-08-20T20:22:00.002+10:00

Ramadhan is starting soon, and despite everything, I'm pretty excited. One month of fasting. It just appeals so much to me.

Talking about fasting reminds me of... fooooood. Mmmm.... Yum...

Right at the top of my head, Hurricane's lamb ribs. Oh. My. God. Kill me now if I never get those ribs again. They're like, the BEST ribs I've ever tasted in my life! An experience in Hurricanes is one experience I just cannot describe with normal everyday words.

Followed closely by Pancakes on the Rocks beef ribs. Yes, those ribs that actually melts in your mouth.

Then there's Tony Roma's ribs. OK, I'm saying Tony Roma's Malaysia. This ribs experience is soooo good that, hard as I try, I can NEVER forget the taste. I heard Tony Roma's Australia does not measure up though. Pity. But I'd keep it that way.

Next stop: Ribs and Rumps. I heard some stories about these ribs. And one day, they'll end up in my mouth, and down my throat... To every inch of my body. Hehe.

Yes, I love good food so much that I'd give up sex for the rest of my life if you could guarantee me good food for every meal, everyday for the rest of my life.

Don't even get me started on dessert.

Chocolate dessert. My mouth waters just at the thought of melting chocolate on cake or waffles or strawberries or marshmallows.

Alright, I'm going to stop now. Yes, I'm obviously hungry. Like so damn hungry.

I'm going to get food now. Not one of those mentioned above, sadly. Just normal, mundane everyday food. But like I say, if you taste something so good, how do you ever get back to something ordinary? Tell me how. How????

Well, as much as I'd hate to admit it, that applies to men as well. Yes, yes. Gimme a woot woot if you agree with that.

Double woot woot for me!

LoVe~
MzP<3

STOP

2009-08-07T15:22:00.002+10:00

A month ago, I told some people, some friends, of the most dramatic thing that happened in my life. People I just met, people I barely knew. I lied.

The most dramatic part of my life didn't just happen this year, it happened all the way up to 7 years ago while I was still what you would call a preteen.

And also, I lied because I can never pinpoint it. I can never tell you the exact point that is the most dramatic. Mostly because they're all way way way dramatic.

Partly because there are some things you just wanna keep to yourself.

Today is one of those days. One of the worse ones. One that will haunt me for the rest of my life. The kind of 'dramatic' that even if you look back 50 years from now, wouldn't be even remotely funny.

So what is it?

Unfortunately, it's one of those that I'd keep to myself.

Other people looking in, in fact, most people, would have something to say about this. Things like, how this is wrong. Yes, the mark on my face is present, but it's only just a mark. Just a mark.

I know I'm a woman, but I can take care of myself. I don't need protection. And if I do, I'll ask for it.

I know. I know it's my fault for getting people involved. I know. I didn't mean to. I really didn't mean to.

And for God's sake, STOP telling me it's against the law in Australia. I know what I can or can't stand. And if I'm alright with it, the police can't do anything about it. So there. (Well, unless they can claim temporary insanity on me, in which case, is a different story altogether).

Deep down, I know it's wrong. But people make mistakes right? Damn, I make mistakes. And damn it if it's not partly my fault anyway, right?

They'd tell me to stop defending him. Stop? If I don't, who will?

So he did something wrong. I know he did. I accept that he did. And I've forgiven him.

Back off. Let me decide what I can and can't handle.

LoVe~
MzP<3

You've Got A Friend in Me

2009-07-20T14:41:00.002+10:00

I've been here a week now.

Fabulous. Fun.

Family at last. I don't know, but in this one week, I've met more family than I've had in the past 5 years. And it's so great.

Sure, I miss everyone in Sydney. But it's just a matter of time before I get back there, and have another semester of fun and not studying. Oops.

So anyway, I'm not going on that exchange program. To the U.S. Yes, the one I've been wanting to do since last year. Just not my luck, you know?

So since I'm here. In Malaysia, home sweet home. I'd like to see my other friends. The ones who are here. The ones I haven't seen for years. Please call me. I'll make time for you, I promise. My number hasn't changed.

I wanna meet all of you. ALL of you. Even if I don't know you very well. Just give me a call OK?

LoVe~
MzP<3

Somewhere Out There

2009-07-14T01:41:00.003+10:00

Remember a few posts go, I said I would be looking for 'The One' soon enough?

Well, guess what? I think it's time.

I am right now, ready for commitment. Yes, commitment.

Mr. Right.

I want eternity.

And we all know my criteria for a husband.

And you need to know is that the current guy I'm with does not fulfill the criteria. Not even the most important one.

So here's where I am. Not with him. Looking... for the right one.

No more playing around.

Seriously, when all things work against you and the person you're with, the only thing that could make it work is the two of you. And if one of you does not try to make it work, then what's the whole point? Remember, if you want something bad enough, the world would somehow give it to you.

I am just saying. I am currently available. Seeking long term relationship. With a good guy. No, make that, a great guy.

Eventhough we might be far, it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.

I know you're out there somewhere, cos I haven't found you yet.

And I'm saying a prayer, that we'll find one another in that big 'somewhere out there'.

LoVe~
MzP<3

P.S. This is me moving on. Please let me.

On My Way

2009-07-12T11:19:00.003+10:00

I had fun during NCG. Granted, I didn't attend as many games as I would like, but I still had fun, given the circumstances.

I went to M. Night and that was pretty cool. Eventhough I was just a volunteer. And guess what was my job? Helping Eiman setting up the drums, and heavy lifting. No kidding. A guy's job. Because there weren't many guys to spare to do the job. Even the OZs were like, "That's a slave's job. Were are the boys?"

"Useless," that's what I said. Oh well.

So now I have a flight back to Malaysia in a couple of hours. The sucky thing is: My flight is not confirmed. I'm waitlisted. Although my dad said there are still a lot of seats, I still doubt I'd get a seat. Given my luck with flights, getting a seat would be considered heaven (Remember the 31 hours delay?).

So you guys back in Malaysia? See you in 10 hours or so. You guys in Sydney? See you in 2-3 weeks!!!

And my boyfriend? He's in Tasmania currently. Yes, holidaying without me. How fun is that?

Anyway I'm so scared going back to Malaysia. The swine flu thing. They just make such a big deal back about people flying in from Australia.

OK, gotta go now.

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Someone You Used to Know

2009-06-20T21:07:00.002+10:00

It was helpless anyway
There's nothing much we could do or say
Darling don't you think it's a shame?
that it had to end this way

So here's to say goodbye,
our love is lost, and we cant figure why
maybe it really is about time
that we finally made up our minds

So Darling, here's to you
i hope that when you find someone new
that she would always be true to you
to love and understand you

Soon you'll build new memories
then slowly you'd forget about me
then i would slowly be
a distant memory

*Soon i'll just be
that someone you used to know
But darling you will thank me
for letting you go
time is not for wasting
i hope you'll find your intended
But i'm sorry
that your intended isn't me

it's not an easy thing
to shake off our history
i know that's what you want from me
but they will always stay with me

i admit i made mistakes
but darling with you it's just the same
if we stay there will be more to make
i dont know how much more we can take

Darling, it would be unfair
to stay with something no longer there
but it doesn't mean i no longer care
but i'd feel like a burden you can't bear

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Breaking the Habit.

2009-06-20T09:19:00.002+10:00

I just missed my bus... Yes, the one to go to work. Dammit. Sometimes I hate Sydney busses... they're too early. Train it is.

How does the saying go? No good deed goes unpunished? Haha. True.

Thing is, everyone was right, and I'm a fool again. I did something nice for someone. He told me to stop giving him bullshit. Come on. This person was about to lose his house and life savings, practically in a single week. I did whatever needs to be done. Now I'm the insensitive one. I should have just not cared then, should I?

Well, whatever. Now I'm in a rut. Again. But I refuse to be.

Life's too short to let this happen again. Open your eyes, and maybe you'll finally grow up.

Need to go to work now.

LoVe~

MzP<3

Too Much to Ask

2009-06-17T21:49:00.000+10:00

Here it is again, the dreaded feeling that something is going to go wrong.

Probably something has already gone wrong: I've spent too much money.

Sometimes it's true what they say, we spend money we don't have... to buy things we don't need... for people we don't like.

True for me today.

Seriously, today I did just that.

Then, after the money is spent, I felt guilty. Like, really guilty. Why can't I, for once, spend money for myself instead of for everyone else? For the boyfriend who treated me like shit, for the birthday of a 'friend' who never bothered to show up at my birthday (let alone get me a present), and for people who won't appreciate it.

When I was younger, my mom taught me to be more selfish. I think she's right, I should.

I won't bother anymore.

Plus, my birthday? The one I've been trying so hard for to make up for my last? I'm in half a mind to cancel it for good.

My friends, they don't bother, they never will. I would spend hundreds to make them happy. They wouldn't even spend $5 bucks for a bus ride to my place to see me happy.

And guess what? I'm not the rich one here. I can't afford anything. Then again, when I do other things like bake cupcakes for their birthday, they won't even look at me. Materialistic much?

Whatever, I'm done. You want me to be nice? Let's see you do that first. If not, I won't bother.

And no, you're not getting a ride in the limo for my birthday. :P

LoVe~
MzP<3

Lost!

2009-06-14T20:04:00.002+10:00

Hi people.

Guess what?

I lost my phone.

Again!

Yes, that's three times this year.

Yes, it's total crap.

Lost it at Argyle last night. Yes, yes, I went out clubbing in the middle of exams. Bad, I know. But in my defense it wasn't planned. It was supposed to be just dinner. Then hangout. Well... You know what happened next. Probably this is my punishment. But such a cruel punishment ain't it?

So yea, in the midst of it all, I must have dropped my phone somewhere. Yes, it's my 5800. Yes, again. And yes, it's the phone I paid AU$800 for. And yes, I'm seriously depressed.

And even worse, I didn't go to Eiman's birthday. I swear I will beat myself up for that for the whole year coming. And for years to come.

I swear I'm just the worst friend ever. The stupid phone got lost and it was all I could think about the whole day. I didn't even get to call him to wish him happy birthday (phone's fault). It's just a miserable day. Yes, will not forgive myself for that. Dammit, I'm the worst.

But I promised myself to make it up for it. I will. I seriously will. I don't care!

How can one weekend go sooooo WRONG???

After all that's happened this weekend, I deserve a great, big Distinction for my ACCG251 paper on Tuesday. I'd better get it. If not, I'll throw a damn big fit at life itself. Not pretty.

LoVe~
MzP<3

The One

2009-06-13T16:33:00.002+10:00

3 papers done.

So far, I've managed to do my exams without any major disasters. Well, minus the terrible less-than-4-hours-sleep, and the no-appetite-to-eat-at-all.

Yea, these days I need at least three doses of sleeping medication to fall asleep. Just to fall asleep. I still can't remain asleep with that many doses. I need to get stronger sleeping pills. Damn it.

Other than that, it's all good. I've finally stopped crying every few hours.

And today, I became Bree Van De Kamp and proceeded to scrub my whole toilet super clean. Including the floors and walls. For about 1.5 hours. And then an hour more to clean up my room.

So I've decided. My next partner wouldn't be someone 'boyfriend-material' but 'husband-material' instead. Yes, I'm ready to look for a prospective husband. I mean, not now. Maybe in a month or 2 I'll be ready. To make it happen. For real this time.

It's going to be hard, I'll admit.

You see, I'm still traditional in a way. I still believe marriage is not just a 'love' affair. I believe it's some parts business as well, like they use to do in the olden days where parents look for their child's spouses, and serious matchmakers are involved. In fact, I don't really mind if the husband part is dealt with by my parents (Like an arranged marriage in a way). As in, they do all the hard work of looking for a husband for me (Hey, at least if things screw up, I have someone to blame! Hehe). OK, not really. I would like to have some say in my prospective husband. But I guess I trust my mom's taste enough. As long as it's not one of my ex boyfriends, I'll be alright with them.

In fact, it'd be interesting to see the types of men they will pick.

Plus, I'm kind of tired bringing home one guy after another, just for them to shoot him down. You know, not handsome enough, not rich enough, not old enough, bla-di-bla.

And plus, I'm even more tired of falling in love outside of marriage. I mean, why can't it be like those days where you get married and then fall in love? Then both of you can't leave each other because it's against the law or something. Who the hell came up with fall in love and then get married, anyway? It's crap to me. I mean marriages are supposed to be sacred right? It's supposed to be the thing. But nowadays it's just a why not? thing. Or a trapped thing. Or a no one else and I'm too old thing. Human kind is definitely losing it. Definitely.

So I'll be looking for the real thing. A good guy. Someone stable (emotionally, mentally and financially, preferably), someone matured, and someone who cares. Someone at the right age (between 3 to 10 years older than me). Someone with good genes (so I don't have to worry about my children and their children). Definitely someone who treats me right. Above all else.

I'd want fights, but good fights. I'd want love, but it doesn't matter if that's now or much later. I'd want a guidance, who is way better than me and can guide me through everything, not the other way around. Most of all, I'd want a person. Imperfect, but perfect for me, nevertheless.

Yes, in a month or two, I'll be ready to find that guy whoever you are. A long journey? Definitely a hard one. And hopefully by the time I'm done, I'd end up with just the right one.

And hopefully my parents would like him. And his parents would like me too. (Although I do realise this is asking for abit to much).

LoVe~
MzP<3

Damaged

2009-06-10T23:49:00.002+10:00

How damaged am I right now? Pretty darn damaged.

I'm so damaged that I can't even feel essential things that make you survive.

I can't feel hunger. I don't eat. And I don't feel like eating. I don't feel hungry. I don't feel the need to eat. I just eat because it seems like a good idea. And it's just a matter of time before I throw it all back out anyway.

I can't feel warmth. I feel cold. Just cold. I'm wearing a jacket. In bed, under a blanket. My room is 10 degrees higher than outside. Yet I don't feel warm. Just very very cold.

I can't feel sleepy. In fact I hate to fall asleep. I just do it because exams are near, and I need my brain to be working properly. But I'd still put it off for as long as possible. Because it's the worse feeling when you wake up, for a few seconds the world seem alright, and then when you remember it all again, your world comes crashing down around you again.

I can't breathe. Every breath hurts. Every one.

I can't think. For thinking leads to another. And to another. And will end up in the darkest place.

I can't wake up. For waking up, I have to face the world again. What's the whole point?

When you find out Santa Claus don't exist after all, what's it to you? All the promises. All the wishes. All the hope. Lost. And who would replace him? No one.

It's just a phase, right? Believing in love? Like believing in Santa Claus. It's just a phase. A childhood naivete.

It's wretched, believing in one man who you think is the one. He turns out to disappoint even more than any I've known.

I need someone to hold me now. Are you the one? No, because you're not here. I'm alone, again. Ironic isn't it when you lose someone is when you need them the most? But they're not there. Not even when they promised to be. And they've promised alot. A whole lot.

____________________________________________________________________
I would've come back to you next week, with my puppy dog face, back to you. But it's ruined. You've ruined it. I am ruined.

Happy now?

Take your money. And if money buys you all of what is enough for you, then you deserve it. Every cent.

And me? I'll stay here, thank you very much. And I'll get over this. And I'll get over you.

And I'll get over love.

For if love makes me long for a bastard like that, maybe love really is stupid and senseless after all. And maybe I am stupid and senseless for thinking love ever really did exist.

LoVe~
MzP<3

Dead and Gone

2009-06-10T16:48:00.003+10:00

So, my ex boyfriend called just now. Guess why? To ask for money. Money, I tell you. It takes a special kind of sleaze to end things with someone and then ask for money after that. $300, no less.

Seriously, I was sooo pissed off that that was the point I got over him totally. 100%. I can't believe I told Mira I wanted to marry him last night. Total douchebag.

I was like, fine, since we're asking for money, you owe me money too. So he was like, OK, minus it from the $300. I was like, fine, sms me your account number, and I'll transfer it to you later.

Seriously, I was sooo pissed off, I was fuming. He had the nerve!

Then, he called me 10 minutes later, and then he said, forget about the money. What the hell? That got me more furious. First, he got so low as to ask a woman (his ex, no less) for money and then want to pretend to be a good guy and say that money is not important to him. FUCK OFF. Man up, and be the guy you really are. Dah mintak duit tu dahla, tak payah nak buat baik sangat.

Seriously Thaqeef, if you are reading this, just SMS me your account number and I'll transfer the money to you. I don't want to owe you anything anymore. You're dead to me.

You're DEAD to me, asshole.

Come on, man up to who you really are.

Harsh, I know, but seriously, if this is you, I take back everything I've said and done for you.

Just last night, I thought I loved you. So much. So so much. Sooooo so much that I would've taken you back in a heartbeat and make it official.

But I guess now I know who you really are.

You're simply dead to me. No more.

XuXa

LoVe~
MzP<3

Yes, I really do mean it.

Fluorescent Adolescent

2009-06-10T01:01:00.002+10:00

This morning when I woke up, I suddenly realised something: I'll be OK. I'll be alright.

I haven't cried yet. Watched 'He's Just Not That Into You' a million times. Slept over Mira's place two nights in a row. Studied. Did something I really shouldn't mention here (in case it gets to my mom... hehe). Twice. And I'll be OK. Cool.

So I find talking about totally unrelated stuff helps. So here's talking about something else. Something I've mentioned once or twice in this blog, but never really really talked about.

About 2.5 years ago, when I was 18, I met this guy. I remember the exact moment. In Taylor's, first day of classes. He was sitting there. A friend of mine pointed him out, saying how cute he was. Someone asked for his name. We pondered.

Then he turned and looked at me. A lingering look. Then, nothing.

For the next year or so, I longed for that look again. Just that one look. Even when I moved on to other crushes, he still held a small place, somewhere.

I did ask a friend of a friend if he was single. He was. Single and looking. But me being me, I'd never ever get the courage to talk to him. I'd still see him around occasionally. But I'm just too shy. This I had always beat myself up for. Because I'm always haunted by, "What if?"

Yes, it was cute. Very high school. Very stupid. Very me.

Then I went back to my life. My loves. My ups and downs.

After a while, at a very random encounter, I met him again. I got pushed into talking to him. Tricked.

So I talked to him. I was single, so was he. I found out I still liked him, that he was charming. Long story short, it ended with him asking me to 'drop by' his hotel for more partying later. I didn't go.

So it ends.

I still have a million and one things to say here but I won't. Guess what I want to say. Some good things, some bad things. Something funny. Something depressing. Something damaging. Something cute. And maybe something happy. Just some things. And a question.

So why am I writing about him then? Well, I'm taking my mind off another. Maybe I'll write about alot more of my crushes, unrequited stuff, coming up.

I'm damaged right now. Trying to get over someone I love. So yes, I'd talk about the past. Unrelated. I'm over the guy mentioned above. But I'd take a lesson out of it. I'd talk to a guy I like. Just so 'What If' is out of the way. Just so I'd clear it up. Just so I won't wonder years later what would happen otherwise. Just so.

____________________________________________________________________

Thanks for my piece of mind.

____________________________________________________________________

And another thing, if it's alright, I'd be writing as Xuxa for awhile. I need her strength to get over this dark time. So I'd apologise earlier if my act and words from here on might hurt someone. I can't be me for awhile, I can't afford to.

And not just here. On MSN, on FB, in real life. Xuxa it is from here on out.

And please, wish me luck for my exams!!!

LoVe~
MzP<3

The way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

XuXa

Peace Sign Index Down

2009-06-02T18:49:00.003+10:00

My exams are coming up. Next week, actually. As usual, I'm not prepared.

And as you know how my life couldn't be void of drama for that long, I'm in deep shit again. C'mon, depression a week before the exams? OMG, what is wrong with me?

Why do I keep putting myself in this situation? I just don't get it. He's just another jerk. Dickhead.

On the upside, I've been planning my after-exams. Finishing my exams on the 16th. And from then onwards I'll be partying non-stop. NON-STOP. Wednesday nights again. And all other nights in the week. Mark my words, I'm gonna party until I drop. We're talking, "Pass out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat and do it again," kind of partying.

Then trip to Brisbane. Yes, with Jas and Fah. I'll make sure to have fun. Every minute of it.

NCG people! (OK, I'm trying to summon some enthusiasm for it). The thing about NCG is not the sports. It's the people. The people I'm going to meet again. I'm excited!!

Then back to Malaysia!! OMG, that one I'm sooo looking forward to. Two and a half weeks. Time for friends, some hangouts. And definitely a fling. Definitely.

I'm sick of half decent Malay men in Sydney. Go back to Malaysia and have the pick of a lifetime. Now that's what I want.

And yes, I'm denying love. I lost my believe in it all over again. Great. It never did me any good anyway.

Here's me LIVING my own life. Deal with it.

Put up the peace sign with the index down!!!

LoVe~
MzP<3

Confessions of a Broken Heart

2009-06-02T03:32:00.002+10:00

Selfishness. It runs in all of us. Each one of us is selfish in one way or another.

Tonight, I wouldn't get into the details, but basically, someone was calling me selfish.

In a way, I was. I'll admit it. Because we all are, aren't we?

I'll tell you what. It's 3.35am. I'm still not sleeping. I need to do a quiz online worth 5%. The quiz lasts 80mins. So if I start at 3.40am, I'll finish at 5am. I was supposed to start it at 2am. I have work tomorrow, morning.

You see, let's just say we turned the tables. I needed to sleep early. I just screwed up my studies. I was hurt. I can't study now because of what happened. I have a splitting headache. I cried.

But in the end, I am selfish.

I chased you away?

Maybe I should have done it earlier, then.

3.42am.

Nice.

The hole inside me is getting bigger and bigger. And I don't even bother to hold myself together this time. My life is just fucked up now.

4.05am.

I'll get over him soon, I swear. And this time, I won't ever go through this again. Not with him, not with any other guy in the world.

LoVe~
MzP<3

In Da Club

2009-05-29T17:00:00.002+10:00

OMG, Gossip Girl last episode is just sooooo good. Like, so damn good, it hurts.

On the contrary, my life has been void of drama lately. Been a good girl. I mean, I've been soooo good that I only go out partying Saturday nights. No more Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Sundays with the Saturdays.

And so far, my Saturdays have been amazing. Last Saturday, we went to Arq. You know the gay club? OMG, soo cool. The thing is, although I know I won't get hit on (by guys, anyways), it's still a damn good place to get plenty of eye candy. You see, most of the guys there are topless. And their bodies and soooo hot. H-O-T. Seriously.

The thing I love most about Arq, though, is the lighting. It's damn amazing!

OK, I'll admit, it was interesting for the first few hours. Before I realized it's just not really my scene.

But, you can still see our pic on the Arq website. Check it out!

LoVe~
MzP<3

Day and Night

2009-05-17T19:46:00.003+10:00

Arthouse was... AWESOME!!

The place... great. The music... amazing. The people... cool!!

Alright, cover charge was a tad too expensive. But it's worth it, trust me.

Went with Mira. Yea, wish Dee came! We could be a great HOT threesome... (Oh, and I wouldn't feel like a third wheeler with Mira and Matt. *gag* *gag* *gag*)

At most points of the night, me and Mira were dancing in a circle of 6-10 guys who were just staring at us. Seriously. It's a little bit freaky though, when I think about it.

Went back to Mira's place a little before 3am. This was when we ended up watching Never Back Down, and ogled and giggled over Cam Gigandet's fine abs. We were, like, pausing and replaying some parts. Like when he took off his shirt. At close ups of his torso. When he did the turning kick. OH my God. Cam Gigandet is still the ultimate. I dare you to find a picture of another celebrity who has a finer body. Even Brad Pitt in Troy couldn't compete. Daymn.

Well, after that we were thoroughly entertained by a friend of mine who claims to be able to do a better kick than Cam. I took his shirt off, and asked him to prove it, by kicking a pillow balanced on a fan. OMG. Hot. Maybe not Cam Gigandet hot, but there are still nice abs, which are, btw, right in front of my eyes (And which I get to touch). Hehe. (ehem... I know you're reading this...!!)

ANYWAY.

See this video by MetroScExp on YouTube. And comment. Cute!

And yes, I have been enjoying Happy Slip on YouTube. It's cool! Got me laughing quite a bit. Actually, I'm totally addicted to it. Julie, it's all your fault!!!

You know what? This week is probably my last week partying. I mean, last week before the exam. Yes, time to concentrate. OK, maybe I'll be going to the UBar on Thursday night, I mean, UBar is in the uni anyway, so it doesn't count, right? Hehe.

Wait a minute. Next week is a cowboys and indians party at the UBar! OMG, I have to go. I'm soo there. Wanna come?

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Smoke

2009-05-11T00:18:00.003+10:00

He wanted me back.

No, he was begging.

Fuck.

I fucking hate this. I have a weakness with men, I can't see them cry. At all. When they cry, I'd do anything to make them stop.

But lately, that's what they've all been doing. CRY. FUCK! Like, what's happening to men these days??? Aren't they supposed to be the stronger sex? The one who don't want to show their emotions? I mean, don't all women have problems about their men not showing emotions?

Or have times just changed? I sure hope not!

Sure, everybody deserves a second chance. But I'm out of of second chances. Or third ones.

LoVe~
MzP<3

We Need a Resolution

2009-05-10T21:46:00.004+10:00

OMG, it's so fucking fucked up.

Things are getting so bad. Last night (more like this morning), my Italian boyfriend broke up with me. Through SMS. Yea, he was pissed off with me for some reason. Or just plain pissed (As in drunk). Whatever.

Since we never go to the point where it's love, I was like, oookaayyyy, fine. And I thought it's over. Like really over, because he sounded really pissed off in the phone call he made to me at 2.30am. And the SMS at 5am. Whatever.

Now, he's on the way to talk to me. Like, face to face. OMG. Fuck. Like, what the hell for?? Either he wants to officially break up. Or he wants to get me back. Either way, it doesn't sound pretty. Not in the slightest.

First scenario: break up officially. I seriously don't want him to try to pick a fight. It's scaring me. I mean, I've experienced boyfriends who hit, OK. He doesn't seem like a guy who would, but you never know, do you?

Second scenario: he want's me back. This is scarier. Why? Because I'm done. I don't want it after last night. The thing is, since he's meeting me at my house, so how the hell do I make him leave if he doesn't want to? Shit. What if he gets angrier if I reject him? And what the hell do I say if he wants to talk about 'what happened'?

He said 10 minutes. But I've experienced his '10 minutes', it never is.

OMG, why can't men just let it go? If it's over, it's over. I mean, this time it was even his call. So don't tell me he changed his mind! To me if it's over, it's over. Why dwell further? Why even bother?

I don't fucking care if he broke with me through SMS or face to face. Breaking up is still that - breaking up. Even if he feels guilty, can't he just call instead??? Apparently not.

And to top it all off, I'm freaking hungry. I want to eat. And him showing up is just bringing me further away from my meal called dinner, which is already late as it is. Damn it.

OH. MY. GOD.

It's freaking 10.30pm and he is fucking late.

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Nobody Wants to be Lonely

2009-05-06T17:21:00.002+10:00

Oh wow. Once again I stand by the fact that my life is sooo damn fucking full of drama it could cover an entire season of Gossip Girl.

I suddenly realized why I'm never single. I know never being single is not something to be proud of, really. But it's true when it comes to me.

The reason is, it has never occurred to me to be single. I mean, single, to me, is not even an option. It's just a state between one guy and the next. It's not a choice. If a guy is there, there won't be a chance of being single. I guess it's also because I'm not picky. Well, it's not like, any guy will do, but I don't have criterias and I'm not a serial dater, dating only men with certain characteristics (eg. dark hair). (But I do prefer men with dark hair, actually)

But you know what? Can I just say: I told me so. Haha OKOK. Yes, things got screwed up. Pretty bad. Won't say I didn't see it coming, though. So yea, I told me so!!

So yes, I'm not single again. Seriously, that was what? 1.25 seconds of being single? Shit, I'm totally screwed up. Yea, since they have a singles club, I'm thinking of doing a 'Never Single' club. Haha. And yes, I've also never hated Valentine's Day. So there.

Seriously, sometimes I think there's something wrong with me.

Called Julie and she was like, "Girl, I miss you and all your dramas!! I know if you're single more drama because of the guys flocking around you."

OMG, shit. Yes, she knows me tooooo well. Just toooooo well. I miss her la. She has always been the voice of reason... Maybe if she had been here all along I wouldn't have done half of the stupid things I did. Because me, myself & I aren't exactly a good team most of the time.

Oh and she did say she wished she had followed me around with a camera ages ago. Yes, Julie, I know The Hills don't even come close to the drama in my life. Well, not too late to start right? Hehe.

Anyway. This Sunday, I will be in freak out mode. Total freak out, dunno-what-to-do mode. Shit, I'm not ready!!! 5-7days. I can't survive that!! Thinking about it just makes me wanna go to the Ranch tonight... NONONONONO! Exam tomorrow, girl.

But a little fun can't hurt, right?

LoVe~
MzP<3

I Wish

2009-05-04T17:37:00.002+10:00

The flowers he gave me bloomed today. They are beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

There was a time where I would have given up the world for you.

But just not now.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

But wishes don't come true.

LoVe~
MzP<3

Top of the World

2009-05-01T17:38:00.002+10:00

It's MAY!!! Already..!!

Sorry about the lack of updates... I've been partying too much and studying too much to get anything else done.. hehe. And of course, dating a bit too much too.

Dating, now how's that been? Fun. Different. I suddenly love being single. A Korean guy, a French guy, an Italian, an Afghan/Philo, a Malaysian... and one ex boyfriend. OK, not all of them at once, but in small frequent doses.

The Italian guy... Now he's damn cute. Freaking sexy when he talks in that Italian accent. Even sexier when he actually speaks Italian to me. Tongue piercing, and a DJ too. When he says things like, "You're beautiful," in Italian, trust me, you won't be able to resist him either.

Good news: I'm getting the dress!!! The extremely hot hot HOT dress I found in Newtown. No wait, I've ALREADY gotten it. I have to admit, it looks sooooo good on me that I cannot not have it.

Another good news: I'm getting the phone! The same one. My aunt heard about me losing my phone in Dubai, and proceeded to take steps so that I got the same phone. So yes, I'm getting the dream phone after all!!!

Even more good news: My new job is ensuring I'm not broke! Cool. But please... Eat there and get me some tips... Hehe. Kidding.

Uni has been better than expected. Sure I've been partying, but I've also been catching up pretty well. Getting good grades on assignments... Getting good grades on tests. Let's just say single life is treating me pretty well.

But it has all been tiring like hell! You know the kind of exhaustion that's sooo bad you can just collapse anytime? Well, yea. Only I can't seem to stop doing things. I wanna do it all. I wanna party... I wanna stay up doing assignments... I wanna spend hours studying... I wanna work... and I wanna date. OK, yes, it's crazy. But you almost can't feel how tiresome it can be when you're enjoying it all. It's just crazy!

Anyway... Gota get back to my life. Hehe.

I've gotta admit, it's been too good to be true. Too good that a part of me is just waiting for it all to screw up. For I know, when you're on top of the world, the only place you can go from there is DOWN. But till then, I'll be trying to enjoy this moment as much as possible. No regrets!

LoVe~
MzP<3

The Bare Necessities

2009-04-20T16:19:00.002+10:00

Monday. I hate Mondays. But then again, who doesn't, right?

I've been in bed ever since I woke up. Well, OK, not really, I did some cleaning in the kitchen just now but I ended up in bed again. Hehe.

Waiting for calls. I love receiving calls. OK, from the right person, OK.

I'm just AWESOME.

Hehe. That's just a little How I Met You Mother thing.

Did the quiz on Facebook. Guess who I got? Robin Scherbatsky. Cool.

But... I wasn't a teenage popstar. Haha.

I miss Jiy Zhing, and I want to go Newcastle. But she's too busy. OMG, that sucks.

And I'm soooo going to Melbourne June. Count me there. I'll be there.

And my job? It's kind of tiring. But at least I got one! Cool, huh?

And the downside? I've already got to pay for the chocolates. The freaking ADND chocolate sales thing. It's $117.60 bucks! Seriously, it sucks when I haven't finish selling them all, but I still got to pay for the whole damn thing. Stupid fundraising thing.

Camping was good. Hilarious and disastrous. But cool. We saw shooting stars. Sang plenty of disney songs. Cooked steaks and grilled sandwiches. Yum. But it was super cold. And we had to walk 2.8km to our camp site, from the parking space. 2.8km!!! But I was so amazed at the beautiful stars that I barely noticed the long walk. Hehe. Not to mention super cold showers that might have gotten us hypothermia. Haha.

One more week of break. What to do? Study. Assignments. And dates, anyone? Hehe.

LoVe~
MzP<3

Chocolate Raspberry Lemon & Lime

2009-04-14T22:49:00.003+10:00

You know what?

My depression is over... for good I hope!

Enjoying the single life sooo much. I'd miss it all. The laughs. The craziness. The unpredictableness. The people. Life.

Tomorrow would be camping. Coolness.

I've always been this random person. Maybe not so adventurous in the conventional way. But I like randomness. And I love variety. And never liked uniformity.

I realised my dreams are once more possible. The adventures. The travelling. I could do it all. I could just live in France tomorrow without thinking what someone else would think. Only thing that stops me is money. But I'm sure that's small, in comparison.

The downside is: I am once again in the state of fear for commitment. But WTH. Life was good right? Why can't it be amazing/awesome/legendary now?

So.

Soooo.

So.

Haha. For the first time, I don't know what to say!

Hey, how come Eiman's not back yet? Haih, that guy. Yeah, he's been great. Checking up on me, being there for me. I mean, he even went out partying with me when he really didn't want to. (No shoes, huh? Hehe)

Seriously, he was checking up on me when I was at my worst. Then he'd drive to my place. Then he'd tell me all these words of wisdom. He kept me from doing stupid things. He gave me hugs when I needed them. He would cheer me up when I got upset.

Basically, he's the bestest guy friend I've ever had. Ever. Love u, E. Don't know what I'd do without you. (And yes, I promise I'd do the same if you're ever in my situation - knock on wood!)

Oh and he thought me to play the intro of a song on the guitar! Yay! (Nanti kita pegi Melbourne sama2 k?)

So, I'm hungry now!!! Hope he brings back pizza.

LoVe~
MzP<3

Against All Odds

2009-04-13T14:13:00.002+10:00

I do miss him.

It's this thing. It's when you break up with someone, and you try to get over him, and you find excuses to do it. Although essentially it doesn't work at first, when you finally do get over him, the excuses will still be there. And it will keep you from going back.

But.

But.

But.

I realised today, there's is something small, something tiny that's still there.

Just give me some time, I'll figure it out.

Just not now.

But let's hold on to it, this small thing. Let's have some hope.

So yes, hold on to your promise. For I would hold on to mine. And I would wait. As long as I take to figure it out, I would wait. And after I do figure it out, you'll hear it from me first.

Go change.

Let's do it differently this time.

BUT.

This right here is not a promise in itself. It's just a prospect.

So if a prospect is not enough, tell me now please. For I would not desire my expectations to exceed me.

LoVe~
MzP<3

Who Let The Dogs Out?

2009-04-12T08:39:00.002+10:00

I made good on my promise.

Best dance party ever.

9,995 more drinks to go!!!

LoVe~
MzP<3

p.s. Eiman was right: there should have been video.

Better In Time

2009-04-11T01:58:00.002+10:00

Finally I cried. Finally.

What was holding me back was numbness. I was numb to the pain. Like the few seconds after getting a cut and your brain hasn't registered it yet, but you see your blood flowing out.

Now I'm feeling the pain. All of it. The whole deal. The pain.

I scrambled for my numbness again, but it evaded me. It still evades me.

Never has a year gone so wrong for me yet... and it's only April.

You know what I need? A nine millimeter. (OK, seriously, not what you think, though)

2am and I fear. Fear to fall asleep. Not because of sleep itself. But I fear to wake up. Because that few seconds after you wake up that the world feels OK, will turn into the worst when you remember. At least I'm not waking up in my bed.

And my lost phone? Never got it back. Probably will not, ever.

I wish I'd get over it soon. ASAP. Sooner. It can't be too soon.

It still stands at 9,999 drinks. Long process here.

Coincidentally, this echoes my sentiments too much. Too much for it to not seem to be a coincidence:

I know what you're doing
I see it all to clear
I only taste the saline when i kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star

Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway...

Here's the thing. I prayed to God to give me this under certain circumstances, and only under those circumstances only. So guess what? God gave me this. And then I knew very well it's a sign. A sign that whatever I fear is coming. A sign that it's not worth it. So everytime I feel like giving up, I think that. And it makes me stronger just for one more day.

You think I'm not hurting? You think I look fine? Think again. But if you think I'm strong, I wouldn't stop you. For strength is the only thing I have. Strength is what I had acquired from my years. Strength gets me out of bed and going and going. Strength.

My favourite stone now is the onyx. It's black and stable. And it's concrete.

So if you've changed, and you want it all, I know you would find me. But I also know you don't want it all.

So you wanna know the sweetest thing I've ever done for a guy? You want to know my greatest sacrifice for a guy? This is it. You're looking at it.

So is this worth it? Yes, every bit. Because I didn't make the choice, essentially. He did.

LoVe~
MzP<3

Bad Day

2009-04-10T10:41:00.000+10:00

FUCK!!!

Lost my phone.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LoVe~
MzP<3

Bye Bye Bye

2009-04-09T12:47:00.002+10:00

I have the sweetest friends...

No kidding. The best.

They've been calling. They've been coming over. They've been getting me to go to the uni bar during free times. They've been buying my dance party tickets.

I just woke up, by the way. Partying last night till 4am. Whoa. 9,999 more drinks to go. I'll get there.

Then I see the whole picture today. Those are all the things I gave up before. The spontaneity. The mindless fun. The random sleepovers. OMG, I miss all that so much now. But I'm getting it all back. Including my money.

I'm having my piece of mind now.

But I'm worried very much. I'm worried of my tendency of getting over someone too soon. It's me, all along. Remember the logical theory? That if you don't act on a feeling, it doesn't exist? Yes. The longest I've been single was too short to not hurt someone. And this time, I'm scared of hurting someone. So now what? Be selfish or be selfless?

I've got plans the whole of next week. See? Bestest friends ever.

I love them!

And today? It's a secret.

Oh, I also have a job interview!!! Yup, today, peeps.

Funny how everything is turning out alright so soon.

And not a single tear.

LoVe~
MzP<3

This I Promise You

2009-04-05T13:47:00.005+10:00

There is this one magic trick I've seen a few times before. A magic trick where there is one performer. Then there is one, say, victim. Then there might be spectators, there might not. The trick goes like this: The performer takes an item, an ordinary item. He puts it in one of his hands, the 'victim' standing in front of him. He then moves his hands really fast, and while he does this, if there are spectators, they'll see him clearly toss it out of his hands. But the 'victim' won't catch it because he's just standing too close. So when it's done, the 'victim' would have to pick which hand the item is in. He picks one hand, it's not there. He picks the other, it's not there either. Then, for a split second, he's amazed, only to be laughed at by all the spectators.

The thing is, in some points, life is a bit like that. When you stand so close, and something goes wrong, eventhough it's so damn clear to everyone else, you just can't see it. Can't at all. And you wouldn't believe it when someone else tried to tell you. After all, you're the only one who's the closest to it, so how the hell would you miss it?

See, it can happen. It happens so many times. When politicians make huge mistakes with the rest of the country staring, knowing it's very wrong. When teachers teach the wrong thing in class and won't believe when another student say it's wrong. When each and everyone of us makes a decision that we're so sure of the circumstances, but everything just turns out totally different.

Sure, it happens to all of us. We're all 'victims' at one point or another. It's just how bad will the damage be when we find out? When we step back and take a look at the whole picture?

But that's not what bothers me so much.

What really bothers me, is what if you're a spectator? What if you're looking from afar at this person who's about to make a really big mistake? And you know very very well how it's going to turn out - really disastrous. What do you do then? Assuming you love them. Assuming you care.

Do you let them make the mistake? We're talking a mistake so big, it'll cripple them. A mistake so big it'll damage them, fuck them up for the rest of their existence.

Fine, if we have the sense, we would try. We'd try to make them see. Get them to step back. Make them see the whole picture.

But what if they just simply refuse? Refuse to see it? Refuse to step back? Refuse to see it the way you do?

Do you still try? Or do you step back and let them do it? And if you do the second thing, would it mean that you gave up? Gave up on someone you love? Or would it mean that you're just letting them learn? And could you have done more? One day when the 'victim' looks back, would he/she blame you for not trying harder to make him/her see?

Once again, we're talking a really really big mistake, one that would change all circumstances. One he would lie on his death bed 50 years from now and wish he hadn't done.

I'll tell you what I would do. I wouldn't stop. I'd stick by till the end. The very end. I'll sacrifice everything just so that he could be happy in years to come. I would do it. Watch me. And once the time comes when it's too much for me, I'll go. Just go in way that I'll never come back. But untill then, I promise to do my best. To give my all. Even if it destroys me in the process. I want to do it. I'd want to not just say I tried, but that I've given everything I could. Is it worth it though? I don't know. You tell me.

Because, I know it seems like I'm turning into the 'victim' here this time. But watch me do it. Just watch.

I'll do it until it ends for me. Because I know in the long run, I won't regret it.

LoVe~
MzP<3>

New Moon

2009-03-31T17:11:00.002+11:00

The weather is suiting my mood perfectly.

All I have to be is strong. Not selfish.

For when you love someone sooo much, you'd do anything to make him happy. If you think it's better without you, then you make it happen.

Even if you have to lie.

Even if you have to make him believe something else.

In the end it's for his own good.

And for my own good too, actually.

So yes, I need to be strong and not be selfish. A clean break, that's what we need. So it'll heal faster.

Funnily enough, what I read in New Moon a few hours ago echoes this feeling of mine perfectly.

It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.

And yet I found I could survive, I was a alert, I felt the pain - the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head - but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it.

No one can say it better, how I feel right now.

LoVe~
MzP<3

CARNIVALE

2009-03-31T16:47:00.001+11:00

As promised.

The very much awaited dance party, semester 1 2009. Organized by the social directors, including yours truly.

My name is there. And number. Gimme a call for the tickets yeah?

LoVe~
MzP<3

When I Grow Up

2009-03-30T20:48:00.003+11:00

Let me speak my mind on a little something called growing up.

What does it really mean by growing up? Making your own decisions? Living on your own? Being at the legal age to drink?

The thing is, growing up is not everything we thought it was when we are younger. But when we do grow up, we realise this. And there is no other way to realise it than by... well... growing up.

The first aspect: making our own decisions. Growing up is not about making your own decisions. In fact, growing up is when you understand the decisions you have to make and then let the best person make the decision for you. In any case, if you believe the best person to make the decision is yourself, then by all means, make the decision. If not, you ask for opinions. You take advices. You let other people talk you into or out of something. So in the end, growing up is actually having the bravery to leave your life in someone else's hands, knowing that you don't always make the best decisions yourself.

It's not about being perfect and not making mistakes either, for we all know adults make a lot of mistakes. (Take the recent recession as example). Here, you know you've grown up when you learn from the mistakes you make. And also other people's mistakes. When you've gone so far as to learn from other people's mistakes, then you know you've grown way way up, as some more influential people has never learned to pick up this little trick in life.

So it's learning, in a way. Adapting.

So then, being a grown up doesn't mean you're done with learning. Far from it, actually. The point that you grow up is evident when you realise you don't know anything. Knowing that learning is a process that takes a lifetime. That even if you're the oldest person in the world, you'd still be able to learn from someone much younger. When we grow up, we accept learning as a breath of fresh air. We strive to know more. Because as long as you learn, life doesn't stop. As long as you learn, you keep yourself alive. No matter where or how you learn.

One thing being a grown up definitely doesn't give you is freedom. If you're chasing to grow up just for the freedom it seems to promise, you'd be so far from it in years to come. For no one is farther removed from freedom than the person who actively seeks it. I learned that from Kahlil Gibran. And it is wise to take it. He knows, the person who wants freedom so much is the person who is the most trapped. For freedom is not what freedom seems. And when you achieve this freedom in your had, it won't be freedom any longer.

What being a grown up is, is independence and responsibility. It is when you are given independence, that you have the responsibility to use it as well as you can.

I still have friends who are living with their parents, and they like to ask me, every night, "What's stopping you from going out and having fun?"

I never have the answer. I never knew what to say. They look at me and see me to have all the freedom in the world, living in a different country from my parents.

The thing is, responsibility is my answer now. I know if I go out tonight I won't be able to finish my resume. Or do my tutorial work for Wednesday. Or even finish my work for the societies I'm involved in. And I know I would spend my money in better places. And then I know the dangers of going out at night on my own. And I also know it's not very nice to leave your boyfriend behind and go to a bar without him.

Maybe it would be nice to go out and party tonight. But it would be a hell of a lot nicer to stay home, knowing the trouble you'd be out of, and the problems you won't get yourself in.

So part of growing up, I realise, is finding a partner, someone to love, as well. This is because most of us (in my culture, anyway) is used to being surrounded by our close-knit famillies. So much so that surviving alone doesn't seem to be a very attractive option. Admit it: we love to have someone to keep us in check. We do need someone to tell us what not to do sometimes. And we need this constant witnes to our lives. For when someone is there to care about all the littlest things you do, it would remind us everyday that our existence really matters in this world.

So grow up, guys. And love every minute of it. For there's nothing like growing up to remind us of the kid in us everyday.

And saying all that, I'm still getting there.

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Call You Sexy

2009-03-30T17:38:00.004+11:00

About 5 months ago I saw this incredibly sexy/handsome phone ever.

I wanted it. I craved for it. Yearned for it.

I couldn't imagine never having it.

Now it's mine.
All MINE!!!

Oh, my sleepless nights are ending. My craving satisfied. My love complete.

For who couldn't sleep with this sexy beast next to you?!

Not me!

LoVe~
MzP<3

Addictive

2009-03-27T03:34:00.003+11:00

Gosh. I am falling.

Never had an addictive personality before. Well, never had the drive to even be addicted to anything before.

But now I'm developing one. An addictive personality. It feels like I need to be addicted to something, if not I fall apart. Piece by piece.

So in a way, I'm addicted to addiction. Weird. Weirdly inappropriate.

Right now, the feeling in the back of my throat, it's coffee. The aroma. The taste. The satisfaction. It's getting me weak. Right now I can imagine the feel of it. Taking a sip. Knowing the satisfaction.

But the thing about addiction is, it's not what it's wrapped up to be. When you crave something you're addicted to, you want it so badly. You'd do a lot for it. But when you get it, it's never the satisfaction you desire. It never is enough. It's the difference between thinking about smoking and actually having a cigarette between your lips. Smokers know that when they don't get it, they crave for it. But when they do, it doesn't seem to be all it promised to be.

What addicts do is chase. They chase the feeling of that satisfaction. That feeling they can imagine so well. The ones that are not real.

Because the truth is, the feeling will never come again. It'll never be as good as the first or second time. That is just at the back of your head. You just chase it. And keep on chasing. And you know you're fucked when one day it's gone. And you find you can't live without it.

So what am I doing? Chasing.

Even amidst this happiness, amidst this good times, I couldn't help but think, "What if?" So what if I won't ever get this feeling I'm chasing anymore? What if it's gone forever? What if it's just in the back of my head? But then again, I know I can't live without it.

There are times when you know you should go. When you know you should leave it all behind. But then you crave for it again. The lure is inescapable, undeniable. Then for a split second it's in your grasp. For a split second you chase it, anticipating your next 'fix'. But when you're done, You wonder why the hell you did it again. Why? It isn't any different. You don't feel better off. You just feel the incoming dread. The dread of wanting, and then needing. The dread of chasing. The dread of the vulnerability you have towards it. Then just the needing. So then the cycle repeats itself, slowly killing you in the process.

Yes, I understand addiction well. I understand the chase, the frustration, the disappointment.

I'm still fighting it.

But what if the day comes when there is no will left in me to fight anymore? When I let it consume me?

But what if something feels like an addiction but it's not? But then again, what if something doesn't feel like an addiction but it is?

But then again, there's no real harm in being addicted to coffee, is there?

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Everybody's Fool

2009-03-26T11:49:00.003+11:00

Section 113 - Definition of a proprietary company

Section 45A - Proprietary company may be small or large

Section 117 - Application of a company

Section 119 - Registration of company by ASIC

Section 123 - Companies may have a common seal

Section 124 - Companies are individuals

Section 46 - Subsidiary companies

Section 127 - Company may execute document with or without common seal

Section 141 - Index to replaceable rules

Section 136 - Ability of company to adopt or alter a constitution

That is just a sneak preview of parts of the Corporations Act 2001 that I need to know for my test today. And that's just half of it. Ouch.

I actually like Corporations Law. I get a lot of knowledge from it. Like, really useful knowledge. Like the whole corporate veil philosophy thingy.

But seriously, having to know most of the Corporations Act 2001 which, BTW has 1400++ sections (And who knows how many subsections), is just impossible.

So anyway. I've been so damn fucking busy lately that my stress level went up to 95%.

As a result though, things are being fine now. I got 28 out of 30 for that economics test. And the best part of all? Dance party in absolutely underway!!!

I present to you:

CARNIVALE
11 April 2009
SPACE
127 Liverpool St CBD
$15 presale/$20 door

See you there yea. Can't wait. Poster (designed by yours truly and Mardhiah) will be up soon, that is as soon as the presidents approve it (This is just hypocritical bullshit. The presidents think they need to approve. GOD! We don't actually NEED their approval. But whatever.).

(You know, sometimes I know why politicians in Malaysia think they have soooooo much power. It's because this is what they were when they were younger, and the others are just to polite to point it out to them.)

(And I also know why they think they can 'campur tangan' in others' work. We're just too polite to tell them to back off and let us do our job. After all, what the hell do people hire us for??!!)

Yes, I'm bitter.

ANYWAY. Buy the tickets from me. And I promise not to bite your head off.

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

2009-03-25T17:31:00.005+11:00

I decided that I like German guys. They're hot. And kinda sexy. And their accent is just melting. Mmm...

Yep.

So I'm aiming at making this latest discovery... educational.

I'm going to find out about Germany. As much as I can about it. So the next time I meet a cute/hot German guy I can dazzle them with my knowledge. Yay me.

Capital of Germany: Berlin.

Size: 357,021 sq km.

President: Horst Kohler

Population: 82,060,000 (Ooooh, more for me!)

Language: German

Life Expectancy: 78.65 years

Calling code: 49 (Note: Important!!!)

Interesting facts!!

Seventh largest country in Europe.

Highest point is Zugspitze.

Around one third is covered by forests.

The Zoologischer Garten Berlin is the oldest zoo in Germany.

The fertility rate of 1.39 children per mother is one of the lowest in the world. (Oh no, less Germans??!!)

67% of the German citizens claim to be able to communicate in at least one foreign language. (And in that sexy accent? Yes please)

Germany is the leading producer of wind turbines and solar power technology in the world.

The only country to ever fully recover from hyperinflation. (Money-stable? Yes yes yes)

Albert Einstein is from Germany. (Brains too, huh?)

Mozart is from Germany. (Whoa, music too?)

The Frankfurt Book Fair is considered to be the most important book fair in the world.

The most successful Formula One driver in history, Michael Schumacher is from Germany.

The mayors of the two largest German cities, Berlin and Hamburg, are openly gay. (OK, hopefully not all of them are gay. Spare some for me please!)

Germany is Europe's second largest populous nation. (Keep 'em coming!)

Highest beer consumption in the world: 119 litres per person. (Uh, not good)

The German athletes are known to won the maximum number of Olympic medals. (You know how I feel about men who are good in sports...)

I hope this has been as educational for you as it has been for me. So the next time I meet a cute/hot/gorgeous German guy, I would totally impress them with my knowledge. (Great plan, girl).

LoVe~
MzP<3

Drama Queen

2009-03-24T13:20:00.002+11:00

Drama. It seems to define me.

I seem to not be able to live without it. Whenever my life is drama-free, I create it.

Especially in my relationships. I would guarantee you that you won't hear any relationships that has more drama than mine.

Problem: Men run from drama.

And my drama... is just so... dramatic. Sooo dramatic that Gossip Girl couldn't match up to it. Sooo dramatic that the latest soap opera couldn't fight it.

So there. Drama. But it keeps life interesting, doesn't it? So interesting I'm addicted to it.

So forgive me if I do sound a tad too dramatic on my blog sometimes. But then again, that's just me.

Hehe.

LoVe~
MzP<3

Over You

2009-03-23T23:12:00.005+11:00

When you give your everything to someone, when you give your whole world to one person, and he turns to you and say, "I need space," I would guarantee you no worse thing could happen.

Especially when you gave everything. And you're left with nothing. And you'd do it gladly just to see him smile. Just because you think it's worth it.

And then he says, "I need space." And then the only thing you'd feel is regret. Regret that you've done all of it in the name of love and then, worse, regret that you've done that for someone who's not even worth it.

It happened to me once. And after that I vowed. I vowed to stop loving him. And then when I did, he suddenly treated me so well. So well that it got me confused for a second. Just a second.

But I'm back where I started. I wouldn't want to end up with some guy who only treats me well because he thinks he's gonna lose me.

Then he needs me.

What am I supposed to do? When I needed someone most in my life, he just chose not to be there. He chose. It wasn't like he had no choice. He had a choice.

So I was there for him. When he needed me, I was there. Sacrificed alot more. More and more.

Then I realised. I need space. When he walks into a room I couldn't breathe anymore. I need space. So thanks but no thanks. When I loved you so damn much you pushed me away. Now I just don't love you anymore. I'm pushing you away.

What I said wasn't right. I didn't mean it when I said it. But it seems to make you stay away. Finally.

I'm glad it's over. I'm just filled with total and utter regret. Because what I did and what I lost for him is something I could never ever get back. Regret.

But then again, I'm glad it's now, not 7 years later.

LoVe~
MzP<3>

4 minutes

2009-03-23T17:01:00.006+11:00

Umm... Hi.

OK, alright. Guilty of not updating.

In my defense, stress level is up 95% right now. And all is not well. And all is not free.

But instead of me talking about my problems, let this girl talk about the worlds' problems.

Enjoy.

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Take You Down

2009-03-09T16:12:00.002+11:00

As a result of living very much in the dark, I just found out about the Chris Brown/Rihanna tragedy yesterday.

For those of you who don't already know, it's on www.perezhilton.com. In short, Chris Brown beat up Rihanna. In A rented Lamborghini. Until she was almost unconscious.

So last night, I read the story from front to back. Right from the start. I saw the pictures.

And what did I feel? Mostly anger. I felt kind of numb. And I felt the pain of going through it. Knowing what Rihanna felt. Or is feeling right now.

The pictures were incredibly bad. Shocking. I can only imagine what it feels like to get those kind of injuries. To have your head banged on the passenger window. To be punched repeatedly on the head and face. To be punched on the arms while trying to protect yourself. To be headlocked so you can't make a call. To be threatened to be killed. To be punched on the legs when you try to push him away. To be bit on the arm and fingers when you try to fight back. And then to be strangled until you lose consciousness. Then, finally to be left in the car alone.

It's outrageous. So much so that most radio stations are not playing Chris Brown's songs anymore. He's dropped from commercials. Basically, his career is almost over.

And then a huge uproar from people when the couple seemingly got back together. Oh my God.

Then part of me understands. Although Rihanna has a 100% chance of getting someone better than him, the problem is love. I mean, on her part. The lack of remorse from Chris Brown just got me to assume he doesn't love her that much anyway. So she loves him. Love.

Then I reflected on something. I had principles. I said to myself that if a guy ever beats me down, I won't think twice to leave.

And then I thought of him. The one I love. And then I realized. Even if he beats me down that bad, or worse, I'd probably still get back together with him. I probably would. It's really wrong. But then I understand. I understand when you get blinded by love. I'd tell Rihanna to get some help, some counselling, some perspective. I'd tell her to show the whole world how to be strong and to know what to do. But then again, I know in the end she's only human. At best, she's just like the rest of us. Her thought process is probably the same as ours.

Oh and did I tell you we're the same age? Oh, and so are our boyfriends.

Still, domestic violence is never ever alright. No matter how provoked you are. It is downright criminal.

Here's hoping Rihanna will realise that soon. And so will the rest of the world. Giving us some hope that we could always always always fall in love again. And be happy again.

LoVe~
MzP<3

One Love

2009-03-08T02:33:00.003+11:00

I'm trapped. Between here and there. Between now and then. Between right and wrong.

When you think something is worth it, you fight for it. You give up alot for it. But at one point even thebest thing has a stop. Has an end. Where, after giving up everything you can, and some things you can't, you realise you can't give up anymore.

Sometimes, when you have nothing left to give up for that one single thing, you walk away. You have to. Don't think of the time spent. Don't think of emotions. Think of moving on. Think of learning.

I fell in love.

Yes, I did. And I didn't believe in love, remember.

And it was great. Fairytale. Hard, but real. One to keep. One to cherish. One to miss.

Love is one thing I would fight for. And I did. I really did. I fought for it tooth and nail. And then it comes to a point. A point where I have to give up other loves to keep this one. Love for my mother. Love of life. Love of friends. Love of myself.

The only thing you shouldn't give up for love is love itself, I believe. For although this one love enriches everything, it is but only one love.

Imagine. Imagine losing the love of your life. But imagine losing all other loves to keep it. Will you be happy in the end? Will I?

But when I said, "50 years from now, when I look at you, I would still see you the way I see you now," I wasn't kidding. I wanted to be there 50 years from now. I want to still look at you and only you 50 years from now. But you know what? If I do stay with you, I won't last 50 years.

So I'm moving on. And I'm taking back everything. Everything I gave away. Everything I lost. And I'll smile. Because even if it hurts, I'd at least have the satisfaction of knowing that Romeo and Juliet wouldn't be together for long if they stayed alive. And I'd be happy knowing I won't end up like them.

LoVe~
MzP<3

Say (What You Need to Say)

2009-02-27T03:23:00.003+11:00

We were engaged.

I'm not the bad one. Probably the stupid one. But not bad.

What would I give to turn back time. I would've done it differently. I would've known you better.

I only asked for all those things because I thought I had the right.

Never have I done it to destroy you.

Wake up, and take the responsibilities like the man I believed you are. Do the right thing. Please.

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Wouldn't It Be Nice

2009-02-22T23:41:00.002+11:00

Happy 6 months, baby!!! I love you.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice

LoVe~
MzP<3>

I Gotta Get Through This

2009-02-22T21:21:00.003+11:00

Now I know why I've been pretty cynical lately.

Hard to imagine anyone going through life and not end up cynical. Life turns you cynical one way or another. And usually very much so.

I had this theory I developed a few years back. Basically, the theory is: If a lot of good things happen to you, something really bad is just waiting to happen.

Usually, when I tell people this, they shoot it down, saying it's nonsense. Which is why I've never really given it much thought.

But the more I've gone through, the more I know it's true.

Whenever I have a bit too much fun, I can almost expect the turmoil that will surely come next. It's pretty sure.

And all this, because I just had one of the best weekend holiday ever. It was really good. Rented a huge house in Gerringong. Went to Jamberoo water park. 9 of us altogether. Fun fun fun. Serious fun.

And today I got back home. And, that's right, one by one things start to go wrong. And that was just a few hours ago.

This is it. I would say, and I could say, never in my life has so much stuff go wrong in, what, 3 hours? So much has gone wrong that I couldn't even cry even if I wanted to. I'm just in a daze. Like, in the disbelieving, denial state. Like, it's not even registering in my mind.

Worse, I'm alone now.

Even worse, he's not that far away.

Even more worse, tomorrow is our 6 months. And he still won't be here.

Even much more worse than that? No one knows the real thing. And keeping it to ourselves is killing me so much.

And all that is despite what happened to me today.

Lets just say, when it hits me, depression will take over. And I won't even see a reason anymore. A reason to live, right. A reason to be here. Everything that truly truly matters to me is destroyed. That really truly matters. And if there really is another reason to push through, please tell me so I can see it. Gotta get through this.

It's a punishment, I know. I just wish the punishment could come some other way, some other day. Because punishing is one thing. Taking away things that really matters, is very much another. What is the lesson learned from that? Seriously.

Help me to see because I'm just about blind to everything else right now.

LoVe~
MzP<3

Should I Stay... Or Should I Go?

2009-02-19T11:33:00.002+11:00

Right now, I think emotions will take me along wherever it needs to go.

I've been happy since that plane landed, sure.

But something is missing isn't it? I want more than this. I need more than this.

I'm not happy anymore.

Why? Realisation dawns that nothing has changed. You're still missing from my life. I'm just present in yours. That's all.

What have I done? I've just made it permanent. In a place where permanence has always been an issue for me.

And you've been found wanting.

Damn. Fuck me. Or rather, don't fuck me. Whatever.

I'd better stop now before the bitterness seeps under your skin too.

I'll just stop bitching about it in my blog and call it off when it gets too much. Oh it will, trust me. Patience is wearing off. Hanging by a thread.

Oh it's still hanging. Only because we have more. More.

And for once, I'm thinking, I want to hold on to this.

LoVe~
MzP<3

Two For My Seconds

2009-02-15T22:29:00.002+11:00

Stealing a few minutes.

My boyfriend is back. So yeah, as you can imagine, I've been busy busy busy. And happy happy happy as well.

Which explains the lack of updates.

And don't expect anything much in a while. Hehe.

Gotta go now. Get back to my life.

LoVe~
MzP<3

Just Dance

2009-02-07T20:57:00.002+11:00

My house, my humble house fill with nerds and religious people, has officially changed its status as of tonight.

So it's official. My house, 77, is a party house now.

In fact, a raging party will be on soon. Tonight.

And we're talking caseloads of beer. No, make that truckloads.

Do you what this means? Things are changing. A party house means:

Less studying
More noise
More strangers in the house
Beer bottles everywhere
Total mess
More men (in an all girls house)
Crazy weekends
Dealing with drunk people
Cleaning up the mess
People drinking(and I don't!)
People offering me a drink (Oh shit)
Drink spills
Beer smell everywhere
Decreasing moods to study
Less peace at home

So I might not be too happy with this. But. Let's look at the bright side. Party house also means:

Less studying housemates making me feel guilty
Getting to know more people
Don't have to go out Saturday night
More music
Excuse to sleep late
FOOD!!!
Having fun
Getting to know the OZ culture
Knowing more OZ people
New experiences
Famous house
Won't be bored
More people to talk to (or at least party with)
More men (well, all girls all the time can get old)
Something to do if I can't sleep
Don't have to go out to have fun

and

I won't be the worse in the house (finally)

Well, there are pros and cons. And the cons are more convincing than the pros I guess.

And to think I used to be the partier in the house. Oh well.

At least if all goes wrong, I'd have stories to tell years to come. And that's something, huh?

And you know the famous saying goes, "If you can't beat them, join them."

And Lady Gaga says, "It's gonna be OK. Just dance."

LoVe~
MzP<3

Flightless Bird, American Mouth

2009-02-07T01:47:00.003+11:00

Let me share this one song lyrics that I just find... creative. No, don't ask me what it means.

I was a quick wet boy, diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

Have I found you
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, american mouth
Big pill looming

Now I'm a fat house cat
Nursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures thrown in the cold
And clean blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding or lost you, american mouth
Big pill stuck going down

Well, I don't really know what attracted me to this song or the lyrics. But it's worth a mention.

Big pill looming. Big pill stuck going down.

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Hot in Herre

2009-02-06T19:19:00.003+11:00

OMG, did you hear about the coming heat wave in NSW?

Apparently this weekend, some parts of NSW will be some of the hottest places on earth. Imagine 44 degrees. Imagine me melting!

HELP!!!!

Be absolutely glad you're anywhere else but here.

So yes, tomorrow and Sunday, I have a feeling I'll be spending my day in malls. Cool air. Movies. Getting out of the heat. Or if not I'd be in the hospital. Seriously, people get seriously ill in this kind of heat. Look at the bright side, at least hospitals have air conditioning right?

I tell you, I can't imagine the prospects of 35 degrees. So...

At 38 degrees, I'm prepared to install air conditioning in my room, even if it means using all my money. And then some.

At 40 degrees, it's enough to make me crazy enough to buy the first plane ticket out of here. Even if I'm going to have to owe the bank. With 50% interest (seriously!). Preferably halfway around the world (I hear New York is unbearably cold right now).

At 44 degrees?

Umm...

Let's see...

At that point, let me tell you, our bodies' enzymes would be denatured. And since enzymes are such important catalysts,

We can't digest food.

We can't replicate our DNA and build new cells.

We can't think.

And the potential for serious dehydration is at its highest point. You lose litres of water from your body per hour.

And at that point, if ever it reaches that point, I don't think you'd find me functioning anymore. Like, literally.

Like, seriously.

And to add to that, the high temperature is a total fire hazard. Fire departments are on high alert. Helicopters are prepared to take off in 15 mins at a moment's notice. The country's firemen are at work, just waiting.

Even today, Lane Cove is on fire. Lane Cove!!! Like, 10 minutes away!!!

Oh no.

I never thought I'd ever miss Malaysia's heat. That would be like living in a refrigerator compared to Sydney right now.

The news actually advised us to go to malls. Or watch movies. Hypocrites. Makes you wonder if the government is just doing this on purpose to improve the country's economy. I mean, look at the lengths Kevin Rudd is willing to take. I wonder if increasing the temperature is really not in the government's power at this point. It certainly seems 'convenient'. Hehe.

Wish me luck! And please pray that I'm going to survive this weekend. Just this one weekend. And that I won't explode or implode in the heat.

Oh how I wish I never told the rain to go away when I was younger. Or told Mr. Golden Sun to shine down on me. Do me a favour and don't teach those songs to your kids. They'll thank you one day.

LoVe~
MzP<3

p.s. Speaking of songs. From the last blog onwards, I'm going to put in song titles as my blog titles. For fun. Enjoy! Or even request a song title if you want. I'll try to write something about it... Whatever it is.

More Than a Woman

2009-02-06T18:48:00.002+11:00

I watched Revolutionary Road today.

I'd like to say it was a good movie. But in a scarily not good way. I mean, to me, it's one of those movies that (to say 'touch; is putting it mildly) hits you. Right in the face. Right in the guts. I mean hit me. Me.

OKOK, I should warn you about spoilers here. Don't read further if you don't want to know what happened in the movie.

I am so alike her in the movie. In all her craziness. And I guess we all have it in us.

Why does it scare me so much though? Because while watching the movie, I realise that I'm actually looking at my future. Yes. And myself in the future.

Or possibly, one of the futures I would most probably end up with. Kids, cheating husband, unrealised dreams, wanting a change, and cheating on my husband with the next available guy. Umm... And being incredibly damaged in the process. Damaged enough to end up doing something irreversible.

Then suddenly I know. That is not what I'm going to end up to be. Living for a husband that just couldn't keep his mouth shut long enough to listen to my side of the story. Giving up everything for him. To end up being disappointed one more time. Being hurt.

I won't end up like her.

Instead I'd end up happier.

And above all, I wouldn't marry someone like that. Never. Because I know I'll end up exactly where she ended up in the end.

End of spoiler.

The movie hit home so hard, I was crying after I got out. After, not during.

I think most of all, is the realisation that I almost, almost, ended up like that. Almost. Really close.

On a happier note... Wait for it...

My Exam is FINISHED!!!!

Yayyy!!!

I'm done with Summer School. Done, I tell you. Can you believe it?? Finally!!!

And to make things a hell of alot better, guess what?? My boyfrind is coming back in 6 days. 6 days! OMG, I can't wait! It's like so short and yet so long a time to wait. 6 days!!!!!

It's like tomorrow, and yet feels like years. Finally the wait is almost over. Almost.

I'll just close my eyes and pretend I'm hugging you until you get here, baby.

So so so so so excited. I know I won't be able to sleep until the day comes. Gosh, like I need anymore lack of sleep here! Hehe. But it's all good. Maybe the only problem is his absence. So yea. Who cares if I lose a few more days of sleep? As long as he's coming back.

LoVe~
MzP<3

People We Love

2009-02-05T04:25:00.002+11:00

I know in life we have to be thankful for the things we have. Not the things we lost.

But what if the things we lost is our closest and dearest friendships? The things I hold so close to my heart.

It is not the same. Not the same without them. My friends. The closest ones. I need them. I need to be surrounded by them.

I have lots of friends here, sure. But not the real close ones. The ones that you just can feel their sincerity of being with you, when they're around. Not just a 'I'm doing this because I'm nice' thing. I want more of those. More, please. I would give up almost everything else just to be surrounded with these friends 24/7. There is just no better feeling.

Watched Into The Wild? Even he said that happiness is nothing if you're alone. That is so true. So true. And this from a guy who seeks truth in his life. Just truth. (Julie, you're right about this movie, it's inspiring)

See, each and everyone of my close friends are different. Just so different. And no one could replace each one of them, nor would I want anyone to. I just wonder if they found a replacement for me... Sometimes.

My idea of heaven is being surrounded by them all. By the people I love so much. And who love me back. I don't care where we are, or what we do. As long as we have each other, it's alright.

And if heaven were not that. Then I'd be disappointed. Because what's the point of all the riches in the world without those whom we hold dear? Without other people, we're nobody. And without the people we love, we're half the person we could be.

I know I am.

LoVe~
MzP<3

Losing It

2009-02-03T23:15:00.004+11:00

Exam coming up. Woohoo. Woot. What What.

(OK, clearly, I'm losing my mind.)

So today, in anticipation of exams, guess what I did. No, not study, guess again. Bake cupcakes! The thing is, the cupcakes baking thing was a total disaster. 1st batch - bad. 2nd batch- bad. 3rd and 4th batch - just BAD. When I finally gave up baking, and my housemate saying that perhaps I lost my 'touch', I finally realised what was wrong. The whole time. I haven't lost my 'touch'. I forgot to put one important ingredient: EGGS!!!

I'll explain something. Baking is my thing. My thing. It is really the thing I turn to when all else fails. When I'm depressed. When I have no motivation to study. When the world just seem wrong. Then, a nice tray of cupcakes that tastes marvelous, just seem to make everything right again, magically.

And today, it seems my screwed up week is complete. Not only have I screwed up my entire existence, I screwed up cupcakes. Cupcakes! The one thing I just don't screw up, if you've ever tasted my cupcakes.

Oh where the hell is that 'Motivation' paper when I need it??? I sure as hell need some motivation right now. God, I even need motivation to sleep.

Only one reason:

That boyfriend being away. Screwing up everything! Aaarrgghh.

Argh!!!

This is just sad. I can't concentrate on anything. Not even enough to remember to put eggs in my cupcakes! Do you really think I'd remember how to balance Cash Flow Statements? Not a chance. Not a chance in hell.

So what am I to do with this exam? I'm going to get lots and lots of red bull (with bull testicle extracts) and drink them before the exam. Oh do you know the tired, sleepy feeling you sometimes get during an exam? Would totally go away if you need to pee. Trust me. It works.

So wish me luck. Lots and lots and lots of it.

I want chocolate cupcakes!!! With chocolate icing!!!

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Something Missing

2009-02-03T04:45:00.007+11:00

Dawn breaks.

Birds are chirping outside.

And I feel like throwing this laptop at those annoying chirping birds, reminding me of my severe insomnia. Who gets insomnia this bad that you just can't sleep until after dawn? Me. Mememe. Eww.

See, I've been having this crazy week. I can't sleep at night. My clothes are all over the place. My stupid alarm doesn't sound, making me miss my lecture. My whole body aches. Courtesy of not warming up before surfing. Lost one side of my contacts. There's still a big spider in my room walking around, threatening to bite my head off. At least one of its eight eyes must be on me even at this very moment. Waiting to strike. But I just can't seem to bring myself to kill it. Too cruel.

The thing is, as a result, my stomach can't decide whether it's full or hungry. I take my pills at screwed up times. I would sleep any other time than at night. Getting carpal tunnel from playing the computer too much. Food doesn't seem appealing. And my ears and nose hurts from supporting my big heavy glasses.

Oh, and I'm near broke. And it's the beginning of the month!

And I miss my baby!!! That is, I think, an indirect cause for all this craziness. And I was all like, "It's your fault!" And he's all like, "I know, baby. I know. I'm sorry." Which, made me miss him more. (Really, it kinda turns you on, doesn't it, when your BF takes the blame for your screwed up life)

Everything reminds me of him. Hummers and Woolies and X-Trails and shavers and phones and the red pillow and protein shakes and lectures and kisses and chocolate with nuts and ice cream and pancakes and Snickers and the sunrise and hugs and Bryan Adams and Troy and cinemas and Gungho and Wollongong and trains and Street Machine and my black dress and the flip flop and songs and Ivy and the Sydney Opera House..... and the list goes on and on.

Then I'd end up looking at pictures. Let me put one here. One that I've never posted anywhere else before.
Our first night together. It was this night he became my boyfriend.

Pic taken in his car, on the way out with friends. Delafrance, I think. He didn't even notice I took the picture.

Wow. I love you, sayang.

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Cookie Monster Stuff

2009-01-29T20:42:00.004+11:00

Episode 12. Season 5.

Best Grey's Anatomy episode ever.

Warning: Spoiler alert.

Whoa. It is one way to show how the world is not black and white. I mean, feeling compassion for a serial killer? Like, seriously, whoa. Telling a serial killer how to kill himself? Whoa. A serial killer who actually likes to kill. No, make that loves to kill.

Meredith Grey is seriously kick ass. KICK ASS.

This is the type of thing that really appeals to the deeper side of me. The side that doesn't usually rears it's head. A girl who actually don't mind screwing up her relationship with her potential mother-in-law is so damn freaking cool.

End of Spoiler.

So yes, you caught me. Wasting my time watching series again. 90210, Gossip Girl, Lipstick Jungle, Grey's Anatomy, Heroes, Desperate Housewives, One Tree Hill.

Cookie Monster!!

Nah, that's nothing but a random title for the blog post. Hehe.

Why cookie monster? Well, why not cookie monster? He's big. And blue. And furry. And wishes the moon is a cookie. And we all know who he is. If you don't, well, umm... lose-er! So yeah, We all love cookie monster.

So he deserves to be the title of my blog post at least once. Hail cookie!

LoVe~
MzP<3>

Realization Attacks

2009-01-29T05:16:00.005+11:00

Today is the day of realizations. More like the hour of realizations.

First, I realize my sleep time is soooo screwed up. Yea, I realized this when it's actually 5.20am, and I'm thinking, oh, it's still early. Guess it's turning into some weird routine where I just simply sleep after the sun rises. Don't ask why.

Then, another realization. It is way overdue for me to actually do something about this incredibly bland blog page. Seriously, it's way way past that time. But you can't blame me too much. I'm still figuring out the ISO thing so I can install the photoshop, so I can finally learn how to use it. And to finally design my blog. So, you just have to bear with it for a little while longer. Ummm... unless you want to give me a lesson on ISO? Please?

But between designing MSA stuff, social dance party stuff and ADND stuff, forgive me if my blog is the most uncreative one around. Seriously, for someone who thinks of herself to be creative, this blog is like the blandest of all bland. Trust me, no one is in more pain than I am opening my blog page. It's like, whoa. Bland. Like, oh, blog, instead of, yay, blog! You know what I mean?

And there is one big ass spider in my room. I'm ignoring it. Because first, killing it is just too cruel. My windows can't be opened. I'm too scared to catch it and release it outside. And it is not the Sydney funnel web spider for it doesn't have those big sharps fangs. As far as I know, it's not poisonous. So as long as it keeps its distance, I hope I'm safe.

I realise that counting sheep doesn't work. Or counting backwards from 10,000. Or relaxing my body. Or even putting all my thoughts into a TV and switching it off. Just not happening. Somehow I seem to sleep easily at any time of the day... except for when I'm supposed to. Seriously. That, to me, is one of those mysteries in life I could never answer.

Ummm... instead, would you like to know even more useless facts that only I seem to know because they're just so useless? Alright, I bet you wouldn't like to know. But oh well, couldn't hurt to try huh.

The male seahorse gets pregnant instead of the female.

Women are more likely to cheat in a long term relationship than men.

We burp 2 types of gasses, and we fart 4 types.

Eating fish everyday reduces the risk of getting Alzheimer's by 65%.

Fingernails grow 3 times faster than toenails.

The lighter was invented before the match.

By dropping the dollar sign $ in restaurants, they get customers to spend $5 more on average on a meal.

There are 70 million people who practice taekwando, and 4 million of them are black belts.

Strongest muscle in your body is the tongue.

49 countries reported XDR-TB. Extreme Drug Resistant TB.

Brain releases hormones serotonin and dopamine while shopping.

The popular ingredient taurine in energy drinks are taken from bulls' testicles.

Korean millitary practises taekwando as part of millitary training.

One frog species, its tadpoles are five times bigger than its adult frog.

The first email was sent by Queen Elizabeth.

The currency of Estonia is the Estonian Kroon.

The frog breathes using it's lungs or skin.

Okay, the last one is a joke. Exclusively for my cousin who thinks frogs breathes using gills. Because they're amphibians. OMG, we couldn't stop laughing about this. Oh, and by the way, turtle is penyu and tortoise is kura-kura. Please don't be confused about this. After all, we Malaysians are supposed to be bilingual experts. So please don't ruin the one thing we have.

Oh, and please please learn to spell Tyrannosaurus Rex. You'd be surprised at how many people out there who don't know how to spell this. C'mon! It's something you're supposed to know when you're 8 years old. So please. Please please please.

Oh, and if you're on the learning quest, please find out what the Illiad and the Odyssey are. Those two are really important part of history.

Having fun with all this interesting but useless information? But makes you want to know more, doesn't it? Sure. Till next time.

Oh, and in the meantime, you know what you have to do. Go do it. I challenge you to.

LoVe
MzP<3>

To Cheat or Not To Cheat?

2009-01-27T03:24:00.003+11:00

Yesterday, I got a great piece of advice. It's a long winded advice, but to cut it short, and put it in a sentence, it would be:

"Don't cheat on your boyfriend unless you know that person is better than him."

I think that's genius. One of the best advice I'm given.

I mean, when you think about it, it's true. So true. I mean, why would you want to risk a breakup of a relationship if it's not with someone better, right? So it's more like, if you wanna trade, trade up. And you'll be alright.

You see, maybe that's the mistake some people make when they cheat. I mean, it's like a guy cheats on his girlfriend, but don't want to lose her. And when he does, he'll just realize it's not worth it anyway. So that's the thing. Don't regret. Cheat with someone better. Then if your partner leaves you, you get someone better. Knowing that gives you the power, doesn't it? But it's simple logic, don't you think?

Alright, alright, you might say it's a heartless thing to do. But I know that alot more people are selfish in this world. And do you really think your partner won't leave you if he/she finds someone better, someone more of his/her type, more of what he/she is looking for? Really. They will leave. And here, I would stress I'm talking solely for girlfriend/boyfriend relationships, and not about marriage. When you marry someone, it's a different story altogether, and don't you dare cheat.

So yes, it's like that. Admit it, if you find your soulmate tomorrow, and you are really perfect for each other, you will leave your partner. We humans are selfish. But I guess it's just so true.

Which is why I don't have a reason to cheat in my boyfriend. Not a reason. There is not one person that is better than him. Or more perfect for me. It's the reason of my monogamy. And thanks to the person who gave me this advice, and made me realize this. I would positively kill myself if I ever cheat on my boyfriend with someone worse, because I'm just putting myself in the dumpster. And since no one better exists, why do it at all?

Even if love is a small part of the consideration, if you don't love a person that much but you know you can spend forever together, and no one will be better, then dont cheat.

So yes, that piece of advice, although cruel in essence, is keeping my relationship together at the moment. And now you know, something bad can be good. The world is not black and white.

My sense of logic might be disconcerting. But we all know, falling back into logic once in awhile, might just save you.

Hell, it's saving me right now.

LoVe~
MzP<3